Out of the Darkness

5:15 the alarm went off.  I hadn't slept much anyway because you know when you have to be up early, you wake up several times during the night anyway.  My good friend Loree pulls up at 6:00 a.m. and helps me load up the car.  We drive to Coors field and start to volunteer at the Out of Darkness Walk. 
What an amazing support group we had there.  We had close to 70 people sign up to be part of our team and then we had lots of little ones that didn't need to be signed up.  We probably had around 60 to 70 there walking for Kami and to bring awareness to suicide.  There were 303 teams and about 3000 walkers.  Team Remember Kami was asked to lead the walk because we had the most sign up.  We actually caught up to the walkers when we did the first lap because there were so many people.  It was pretty awesome to see that many people. 
Saw lots of tears and lots of support for people.  I was telling the person next to me at the volunteer check in table, her name was Emily.  I was telling her that when my brother committed suicide 20 years ago, people didn't talk about it.  It was a taboo subject.  We talked about the need for therapy and support and how important it is to do events like this so that we can prevent others from having to lose their loved ones. 
We let these butterflies go that had been in little boxes.  One of the butterflies walked with Joseph the whole time and stayed on his shoulder.  Another butterfly landed on one of our teams pants during the walk and she was shaking her leg to get it off and it flew over to Kami's baby picture and hung on.  I believe Kami was there today.  She knows we miss her.  Kami if you knew how much of an impact you made on everyone, would you still have gone? 


Please ask for help if you are feeling depressed.  Don't make other's go through this.  Being a survivor sucks and no one wants to be part of our club.....

There but for the grace of god...

I went to a funeral this morning.  It was for a young man that took his life a week ago.  He was 26 years old.  His older brother had taken his life 10 weeks ago.  This poor family is still mourning their first son's death and now they are having to deal with a second son.  My heart aches for this family, I can not think of anything that would test my faith more.  Watching that mom and dad walk out behind the casket was heart wrenching.  The whole family looked numb.  I kept thinking about Kami's funeral the entire time I was there and wondering to myself, was she at this funeral with me?  I want to believe that Kami is with me.  I have found myself in the last couple of weeks talking to her.  When my aunt and cousin were over her for the anniversary of Kami's death and we hiked in Rocky Mountain National Park.  I prayed to my Heavenly Father to let me feel Kami near me.  I felt such an overwhelming feeling of her being there with me.  She loved the mountains.  She always said that for her being in the mountains was like me attending church.  She felt at peace there.  I felt at peace there with her.  I long for those moments of peace.  I cherish them.  I live for the time that I will see Kami again and be able to throw my arms around her and tell her how much I love and miss her. 
Take time to do that to your children.  Make sure to let them know.  I wish I would have let Kami know more often how much I love her.  I hope she knows now.  My heart hurts for the Berryman's and I pray that I will never know what it feels like to lose two children. 

Firsts

Well, I made it through the year of first's.  First birthday, first mother's day, first Kami's birthday, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first year since her death.  I don't know whether to be glad they are over or just realize that now there will be seconds, then thirds, etc.  It will never be the same.  There is an empty spot in our family at all gatherings, family pictures, fantasy football to name just a few.  I feel like I am numb some days.  I think I should be doing better than I am but I really don't like to be around crowds, I am ok being alone, I am depressed and know it.  Not depressed enough to do what Kami did, but just depressed.  Yesterday I went to a baby shower and as I followed the directions to get there, it was right near where Kami killed herself at the Holiday Inn.  As I got off the freeway to head to the home, I got a little panicky and just about turned around. At the baby shower, I looked at all of the young mom's and remembered how darn happy I was when I finally had that baby girl.  I never in a million years thought I would have to give her up before I died.  She was supposed to take care of me when I got old!  We were supposed to become best friends as she got older.  I'm lonely for that.  I especially have been having a hard time around people that have that.  I am envious, I will be honest. 


When I drive on I-225 I have a hard time because that is where the hospital was located where she went after she overdosed and when she had her seizure.  I associate making that drive with being on that freeway.  It's easier now but it is still something I think about each and every time I pull onto 225. I know as time passes these things will become easier but right now they are still hard.


There was another mother I have met  through this new club I belong to, and her 28 year old son killed himself in July.  I heard late Thursday night that her 26 year old son killed himself using the same gun.  I can't even begin to feel what this mom is going through.  Please keep the Berryman family in your prayers.  I keep thinking of that scripture that says you won't be given more than you can handle.  Who judges what you can handle because that seems very unfair. 


I have just come to accept that this is my life now.  Happiness hopefully will return someday.  Joy comes in spurts, especially when I am with the grandkids.  They are the reason to keep on going.  I want to build memories with them and be there for them as they grow up.  I love them with all my heart and just having them walk in the door or me walking in theirs as they run up and throw their little arms around me melts my heart.  They are happy, this is what I depend on each time I see them. 


I love my boys and want them to be happy, my biggest fear is that something like this family above would happen in our family.  I've lost a brother, a daughter.  Please don't take anymore.  Let them be happy, loved and successful. 


We are coming up on the Denver AFSP walk.  There is a lot of support for Kami and our family.  I am trying really hard to put the energy into this walk that I did the first one.  It is a much needed organization and I need to get more involved.  Maybe now that I have this first year under my belt I can do that.  When she first died, I wanted to be involved any way possible to prevent others from going through this.  I still want that, I just didn't realize how much energy it would take.  I need to find that energy and get moving.  The busier I stay, the less I think.....

August is a tough month

It has been a tough month.  There are so many firsts and the first anniversary of Kami's death is coming up on the 28th.  I have heard that the 2nd year is worse than the first.  Can it get any worse?  Lately I have just wanted to be alone.  I don't want to be around people.  I go to work, I do my job, I come home and Bud is at soccer and I am alone with Ollie Puppy.  I am okay with that.  I would love to be with the grandkids but I don't get to see them too often.  Their family is busy.  I am really having a hard time being around mothers and daughters.  I feel so cheated out of the life I could/should have had with Kami.  There are so many things that I will miss out on with her.  Son's are different because they go to their wives family things more and kind of gravitate that way.  I was hoping that Kami would be the one that would share the grandkids, hang out with mom, discover that I am not the awful person that she thought I was when she was a teenager.  Become a friend.  We struggled with Kami for the last five years and she was pretty hard to deal with and very mean to me especially.  I was hopeful that some day that would change if I just hung on and continued to love her.  That chance was taken away from me.  I fill like I have failed as a mom.  I pray that Kami is happy.  I pray that someday I can be happy again. 

I can't believe she said that!

This is going to be a short post but I wanted to share something.  The other night I was having kind of a hard night so I texted my new found friend that lost her son 2 weeks after Kami died.  He committed suicide with a gun as well.  He was 15 years old and shot himself at school in the morning before it started.  Anyway, I had texted this friend and told her I was having a tough time because I know she understands.  She was telling me that a lady had said to her, "it's been almost a year, you should be getting over it".  I just about died when she told me that.  I wanted to say, hey how about you pick one of your own children and have them commit suicide and then "get over it".  This friend basically said something very similar to that with a few scattered choice words in there, very justified.    I was shocked at the insensitivity of this woman.  I was so angry for my friend.    Can I just tell you, I will never be "over it".  A piece of my heart is missing.  future grandchildren, hanging out with a daughter, pedicures together, going to lunch or a movie together, spending holiday's, spending family trips together.  Get over it.....not gonna happen.  Luckily I have had sensitive people around and I have had great compassion shown to me.  I just want to say to everyone, losing a child is not something you ever get over.  You function every day, you get through each day.  Sometimes with a smile, sometimes not.  Some days are better than others and there is no time frame.  Everyone is different.  Share this post with others and tell everyone to "walk a mile in another mother's shoes".

Even though you are surrounded, you are still lonely!

I just had the opportunity of being in charge  of,  and attending our Rowley Family Reunion in Orem, Utah.  We had about 60 people show up and at least 1/2 of them were kids.  We had plenty of good food and activities to keep everyone busy.  Many of them said after it was over, "that was the best party they had ever been to".  We had volleyball, spikeball, kickball, soccer, baseball and we rented the soccer balls that you get inside can run into each other with. Human Soccer Balls It was...well, as you can see above...a ball!  So good to see family members that I have not seen for years.  It was fun to see all of the little girls that have grown into beautiful young women and the little boys into handsome young men.  Grandma and Grandpa had some good genes cause there are some really pretty people in the family!  Bud and I were lucky enough to get together with some old friends, and when I say old I mean old.  They are the same age as us.  These are people that we hung out with when we lived in Utah, and had kid's the same age as ours.  Now we are all proud grandparents.    We were sitting around talking and wondering how we got to be this old.  Life just keeps on moving.  Doesn't slow down or stop for anything.  When you have all of those people around you, you would think that your life is good, which it is.  I look at my friends and the relationships they have with their daughters and my heart aches.  For two reasons, because Kami is gone, and because she made it so hard to have that relationship while she was alive.    So many of the activities, I thought "Kami would love this".  The grandkids and I were in the pool in Marian's backyard earlier on Saturday and we saw some balloons go up in the sky and Lizzie and Mel both said, "I hope Kami can catch those".  I hope she caught them too.  I hope she was able to attend the family reunion in spirit.  Her loss was felt, just as missing all of the other's that have passed away or were just unable to be there because of the distance to travel.  In a perfect world, we could all be together.  I can't wait for that perfect world.

Support-Just like a good bra, if you don't have enough, you start to sag!

I just got back from Utah where we did the AFSP's campus walk in remembrance of Kami.  The overwhelming support that we received was AWESOME.  We had over 50 people in our group out of 222 total, and even a couple of dogs.  We had a lady that was 82 years young, and two ladies using walkers.  We had my aunt in a wheelchair with her husband pushing her the whole way, and there was a hill right off the bat! We had the most amazing tie-dye t-shirts.  Kami was a lover of the tie-dye.  We raised $1,016.00 for the prevention of suicide.  I had a friend fly over from Colorado to walk with us and friends that drove over two hours to get there.  There were neighbors we used to live by, family, and friends.  Everyone there, knew and loved Kami.  If only.....she could have believed that and felt the support while she was here.    I met with Greg Hudnall, the executive director of Hope4Utah, and I learned a lot about suicide and how we can recognize signs of someone who needs help.  He was the bishop of our ward and I was young women's president when Kami was born.  He looked exhausted.  I can't even imagine dealing with suicide on a daily basis.  I am exhausted and I have only dealt with a few in our family over the years.    I was supposed to meet with him and go to lunch, but we had to cut it short because a 17 year old had killed himself the day before and he needed to go meet with the family.  He has been associated with 44 suicides since he got involved with this as a principal at Independence High School in Provo.  He goes around and talks to groups, church, community, etc about suicide and I sat in on a presentation.  It was interesting to hear the questions of the group and the misconceptions of people.  One man asked "what kind of families do these kid's come from, is it our responsibility to take care of everyone"?  Well, I wanted to just go over and slap him right then, but Greg answered the question graciously and explained they had all come from "good" families.    These people that take their own lives, come from all walks of life, they have good families that love them and would do anything for them.  They have parents that would give their own lives if it meant they could get better and carry on.  It is an epidemic, there is no one cause and no one solution and to answer his questions.... yes it is our responsibility to take care of everyone.  Maybe if people would show a little more kindness and a lot less judging of others, the world would be a better place. 


It takes a community to raise a child and what an honor to be part of that community.  I only hope that by doing these walks, etc. it will help someone that is on the edge and feeling hopeless.  Thank you to everyone who has been such a support.  You will never know what it has meant! 

Grieving 101-Continued

One of my very first posts was grieving 101.  There are a few things I have learned over the past 8 1/2 months about grieving and would like to share with everyone. 

 

•  I miss Kami with every breath I take.
•  There are some really good people in this world. 
•  I am so thankful for the people that keep reaching out and telling me that they are praying for our family every day.
• Kami's friends, please come by and say hi.  The few that have, I have so appreciated seeing them.
• Please share your memories of Kami, share your dreams you have had, good or bad.  Just knowing that she is still in your thoughts, means so much to me.
• I have felt better as I have gotten involved.  The first suicide prevention walk is coming up on May 30th, getting that organized and getting the t-shirts ordered, sponsored, designed, etc. has been time consuming but well worth it.
• I have enjoyed the bracelets we had made for Kami. It came in five different colors and I have them on my vanity in the bathroom.  Depending on what I am wearing each day, I put one on as I am getting dressed.  Every time I look at it during the day, I think of her.  We have about $400.00 so far to donate to HRHS soccer in her name. 
•  Everyone grieves in different ways, some of the other mother's that I have met don't grieve the same way I do, not that one is better than another, just different.  Everyone has their own time frames and some days are better than others. 
• Prayer is a lifesaver.  Some days it is what gets me through the day.
• It doesn't hurt any less now, I have just accepted that I won't see her for awhile.  It doesn't do any good to wish for things that you know you can't have.  I wish I had a million dollars --- ain't gonna happen!
• I still feel like I failed her.
• I pray every day that she knows how much I love and miss her.
• Certain songs make me smile, certain songs make me cry.
• I hope she is happy......

 

 

I miss her bad!

For some reason it has been a tough week.  There are a few things that have happened this week to make me think of her more often.  I was driving home from work one night and the song Let Her Go came on and I cried the rest of the way home. 




"Let Her Go"

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
Will you let her go?

Spring time and summer are the best times of the year.  All of the flowers that bloom, the grass is green, you can lay on the lawn and look at the clouds to shapes.  When I feel the sun on my face, I think of how Kami is missing out on that.  When I see a Husky, I think of how much Kami is missing out on with Cyress.  When I have the granddog Sam on my lap over at Dan and April's I remember how much Kami loved their dog and how excited Sam got when she used to come pick him up for sleepovers.    I often wonder if dogs,  with all of their christlike love, can see those who have passed.  I really hope that Ollie Puppy gets to go wherever I go after I die!  He may need to pull me up to heaven but I need to be with my Ollie Puppy! 

I know that people aren't reading this blog as much anymore.  Kami has been gone for 7 1/2 months already.  I think about her every day and night, I don't know how many times a day.  Please don't let Kami be forgotten.

I am going to be selling a bracelet that says Remember Kami on it and donating the money to the AFSP.  I can't bring Kami back but I can hopefully help save someone else.  I wish we wouldn't have had to let her go.

Support

I am writing this blog because I attended my first support group this week.  It is for survivor parents of children who have committed suicide.  There were about 20 to 25 people in attendance and I guess last month they had been filmed by a local news channel for a piece they were doing on suicide awareness/prevention.  There were a handful of dad's there but mostly mom's.  They showed the news pieces and discussed them.  Then everyone went around the room and talked about their child, who they were, and what had happened to them.  It was going on about 2 1/2 hours at this point.  It came to me and I started to share my story about Kami when a gentleman who had lost his son just five weeks ago, stopped breathing and had some sort of attack.  Luckily we had some people with medical knowledge there and 911 was called and he started breathing again and the paramedics came and took him to be checked. 


I looked at the friend that I had gone with and said "did I do that".. I know I really didn't but I don't know that I will be invited back!!!  (Just kidding)


The thing that I heard the most that night, through the heart wrenching stories, are the heroic efforts of parents who tried to get help for their children.   They loved/love their kids with all their hearts.  No matter the age, boy or girl, these children belonged to a parent that would give their lives for them.  The guilt that was felt in that room could have filled up the entire building we were in.  I don't know how many times I heard, if only, what if, if I had known...it was surreal to look around this room and realize that each of these parents in that room had been brought to their knees and have felt the kind of pain that no parent should ever feel. The kind of pain that you don't think you will ever be able to drag yourself out of.  The kind of pain that hits you in the gut so hard you can't get up.  The kind of pain that you never know what will trigger a memory, and bring you to uncontrollable sobs.  The fact the other people truly know how you feel is a support.  There were some people there that had lost children as long as 25 years ago and some that had lost them as little as 5 weeks ago.  There were more parents of males than females.  That probably has something to do with statistics.  I'm still learning the odds.  There were parents from all walks of life.  Some of their children were affected by severe mental illnesses, and others said they had no idea until it actually happened.  There is no scarlet letter, big sign, etc. that says: hey I might go out and kill myself today.  If you were walking by one of these parents on the street, you would have no idea that they had lost a child in such a horrific way.   


In 2013 (the most recent year for which full data are available), 41,149 suicides were reported, making suicide the 10th leading cause of death for Americans.   In that year, someone in the country died by suicide every 12.8 minutes. Colorado ranks #7 in the nation for suicides behind:


1- Alaska
2- Wyoming
3 - South Dakota
4 - North Dakota
5 - Montana
6 - New Mexico


It is a disease that needs to be brought to the attention of everyone.  Not too long after Kami died we had someone tell us that is in the funeral business that 1 out of 2 funerals they had been dealing with, was a suicide. When given the opportunity, talk about it.  It is not a subject that can be ignored.  I lost my brother to it almost 20 years ago and it hasn't gone away.  The casualties left behind are numerous and sometimes devastated to the point they can't recover.  When you see that someone is having a bad day, take a minute to make it a better one.  A smile can go along way.  Be someone's support.  In honor of support, I would like to end with a funny:


Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box
That one is for you Kami!

Milestones

I can't wait until she smiles, until she rolls over, until she sleeps through the night, until she sits up, until she walks, until she can go to the nursery at church, until she is potty trained, you get my drift.  There were so many milestones that we were excited about as parents.  Anyone that is a parent knows what I am talking about.  When you have a baby, you hold that baby and treasure every moment.  You wrap that baby in a towel after a bath and you bring them to your nose and you inhale the baby smell.  You live for each milestone that they pass.  I remember when Kami started kindergarten and thought how much my life was changing then.  I was telling someone the other day how hard it was when the kid's got their driver's license because I could no longer drive them to soccer practice.  I always learned so much when I was driving them to soccer, especially when they had their friends in the car and don't even get me started when they would open their soccer bags and pull out their socks.  You know the ones that you had asked them to put in the laundry several times.  The car would smell so bad, you had to roll down every window.  I was telling this same person what a mixed blessing it is when they get their license because I missed the drives to soccer practice but I was grateful they could drive to the games because they had to be their an hour early and I could just show up at game time.  I looked forward to the day that Kami would get married and we would go shopping for dresses together and do the whole wedding thing.  Instead, she ran off and got married at the court house and we never got to do that milestone....
The reason I bring this up is because I was talking to another mother who lost a child two weeks after we lost Kami.  I told her we had just passed the 6 month mark and she told me theirs was coming up. We talked about all of these "firsts" that we are going through.  These are not the milestones we hoped for when they were little.  These are not the "firsts" that we want to face.  These are not the milestones that we want to be a part of.  We talked about being part of a club that we never intended to sign up for.  I know if I could have it all to do over again, I would have enjoyed those milestones I had hoped for a lot more.  I would have inhaled that baby smell and captured it into my memory so much stronger. 
Enjoy your milestones, especially the ones you wish for....

Happy Birthday to me!

Yesterday was my birthday.  I won't tell you how many times I have turned 29 but it's been more than one.  I was really surprised at what a rough day it was.  We all get older, that is a part of life, you aren't going to stop that.  All day long, I kept thinking about last year on my birthday.  I asked my family if we could all just go out to dinner as a family with everyone there.  That is what we did.  We went to Chili's and Kami and Jeff came along with Dan, April, the grandbabies, Ryan and Bud.  If you are a mom, you can just imagine what a great day this was.  We ate, laughed, enjoyed good food and good company.  Kami picked up the check at the end of the night even though we argued about it.  All day yesterday, I kept seeing her face at the table interacting with the family and I felt such a loss.  It wasn't her birthday, I expect to feel sad on her birthday but I didn't expect this on mine. 
I had so many people wish me a Happy Birthday and everyone was very respectful of my feelings.  I had someone drop by with a diet coke with rabbit pellet ice and we talked and cried for a half hour.  She just listened and gave me hugs.  Thank you Patty! 


This year we met during my lunch hour at Chick Fil A (because it has a playground) over by my work.  Dan, April, Lizzie, Melody, Torsten, Ryan, Bud and myself.    We had a great time, the kids were awesome and loved the playground.  As I was getting in my car to go back to work, it hit me.  Because we are a soccer family, every analogy that we make is usually related to the game of soccer.  Our family has been given a lifetime "RED" card.  We are playing a man down for the rest of this life.  It is noticeable and tough on the whole team.  We can't wait until she can come off the bench and be part of our team again.  We miss her. 

HOPE

There have been many things over the past couple of weeks that have given me hope.  The sunshine here in this great state of Colorado is one of them.  Talks in church, friends checking in on me, seeing my grandkids smiles, still having people tell me that they are praying for our family, helping someone else going through a similar pain.  We all need hope. 
Somehow Kami lost hope.  I don't know how or at what point along the way but in order to do what she did, she must have lost hope.  This is a tough world we live in and we can be dragged down by the everyday parts of it.  I don't care who you are, there are times in everybody's lives that they become overwhelmed and can feel hopeless.  Fortunately for most people these are fleeting moments and we can all get back up but for some, they get in that pit of despair and they don't see a rope to get out even though it's there, it just might be in the shadows.    Right after Kami died, I was in that pit.  Thankfully I could see the rope, I didn't use it right away but I did see it.  I am hopeful that I will see Kami again, I am hopeful that people will see that this was a permanent decision to a temporary problem and if they find themselves in the same circumstances, they will figure out how to just get by with a temporary decision.  Life is full of choices, make wise ones. 
I hope this blog will help someone, I know it has helped me and as I have looked back over them, I can see where I was in the pit.  I spent a lot of times on my knees this past few months.  Every single day, I pray that Kami will know how much I love and miss her and to please take care of her until I can see her again.  I hope she feels that love.  I hope she is at peace!

It has been 5 months already!

The old saying "Time flies when you are having fun" has a new meaning for me.  Time just flies whether you are having fun or not.  I have really had a rough couple of weeks, don't know why.  Just very emotional.  If I see something or hear something reminds me of Kami, I have a physical ache in my heart.  I never knew you could miss someone this bad.  I keep thinking that there is something more that I could have done, that I should have done more to stop her. 
Kami never talked about taking her own life.  Up until the point when she overdosed on those pills, the thought had never even crossed my mind.  Kami had a lot of issues but threatening suicide was not one that she had shown to us.  I keep imagining what her last few days must have been like for her.  She must have felt so alone and like she had no where to turn.  I keep thinking about the fact that I wish she would have felt like she could call me or come home.  I thought that I had given her that impression but I must not have. 
I think the thing that hurts the most is that everyone has gone on with their lives, as they should.  It wasn't there daughter that died.  I just feel like Kami is being forgotten.  I don't want her forgotten.  I want her life to have meant something.  I wish I could see her and ask her questions about how she was feeling.  I feel lost not having the answers.  I am hanging on by a thin thread. 
I was thinking about it driving to work this morning, it doesn't hurt less as time goes by, it just hurts differently.  You have come to the knowledge that they really are gone, they aren't going to come through that door.  The next time you will see them is when you leave others behind and they will deal with the loss of you here on this earth.  People say it will get easier as time passes.  I don't think that easier is the right word.  I'm not sure what is, maybe accepting is the right word.  Accepting that this is the way it is now.  You don't like it but you accept it.  Don't forget my Kami, please talk about her with me.  She is not the elephant in the room, she is my daughter and I love and miss her. 

Happy New Year-Thank Goodness

Well, we made it to 2015.  I feel like I have hiked a tall mountain and now I am at the top and not sure how I got here or what I need to do next.  As I stated in an earlier blog, it was all I could do to put a Christmas tree up.  The closer it got to Christmas Eve, the sadder I got.  Knowing that everyone would be there for dinner and to play games was tough.  Kami got so excited about Christmas and I had promised her we would do fondue again this year since we didn't last year and she was so sad about it.  We didn't do fondue, we barbequed steaks and they were delicious.  The food was great, we had invited another family over and they really helped.  I appreciate the Thorderson's for being so supportive to us that night and so much fun.  The family tradition of Ligretto continued but Lexy Thorderson kicked our booty's.  She took pity on us and even let Ryan catch up a little, I was so far behind, we would have needed to play to next Christmas Eve for me to catch up.




 A week before Christmas, I contacted the people that had adopted Kami's dog Cyrus; I asked if we could go over and see him.  Up to that point, I just had not been ready.  You see the day that Cyrus left with them, was the day after she died and that was the last living piece of Kami that we had.  It ripped my heart out to see him leave but the situation was such that he needed to go.  When we got to their house and walked in, Cyrus came running in.  He definitely remembered us, especially Bud who had spent the most time with him. We took him a toy which he wouldn't let go of.  He sings with his new owner's as they play the harmonica.  Diane told me that he actually sounds like he is talking sometimes and I had forgotten that Kami used to talk with him.  She said a couple of days after he got to their house he was laying on the kitchen floor and she looked at him and said, "Did he forget to let you outside, do you need to go?  Cyrus looked at her and honestly said NOOOOO!"  They had a laser pointer that he chases around, he had found a dead squirrel on their walk that morning and carried it for two blocks back home and wouldn't let it go.  They had to get him interested in something else when they got back to get rid of the dead varmint.  He is happy.  We stayed for quite a while and played with him and when we got up to leave, you could have knitted a sweater from the hair on both of us.  I'm guessing that Kami can see how loved he is and is happy about where he is.  Cyrus was a big part of Kami's life and now he is a big part of the Coons family's lives.  Thank goodness for small blessings. 


Christmas is over, the tree is down, life moves on.  I would give anything I have and my own life to have Kami back with us but I know that is not possible.  I need to continue to figure out how to live my life on this earth but be able to feel Kami's spirit with our family.  If someone can help me do that, I would appreciate it.