It has been 5 months already!

The old saying "Time flies when you are having fun" has a new meaning for me.  Time just flies whether you are having fun or not.  I have really had a rough couple of weeks, don't know why.  Just very emotional.  If I see something or hear something reminds me of Kami, I have a physical ache in my heart.  I never knew you could miss someone this bad.  I keep thinking that there is something more that I could have done, that I should have done more to stop her. 
Kami never talked about taking her own life.  Up until the point when she overdosed on those pills, the thought had never even crossed my mind.  Kami had a lot of issues but threatening suicide was not one that she had shown to us.  I keep imagining what her last few days must have been like for her.  She must have felt so alone and like she had no where to turn.  I keep thinking about the fact that I wish she would have felt like she could call me or come home.  I thought that I had given her that impression but I must not have. 
I think the thing that hurts the most is that everyone has gone on with their lives, as they should.  It wasn't there daughter that died.  I just feel like Kami is being forgotten.  I don't want her forgotten.  I want her life to have meant something.  I wish I could see her and ask her questions about how she was feeling.  I feel lost not having the answers.  I am hanging on by a thin thread. 
I was thinking about it driving to work this morning, it doesn't hurt less as time goes by, it just hurts differently.  You have come to the knowledge that they really are gone, they aren't going to come through that door.  The next time you will see them is when you leave others behind and they will deal with the loss of you here on this earth.  People say it will get easier as time passes.  I don't think that easier is the right word.  I'm not sure what is, maybe accepting is the right word.  Accepting that this is the way it is now.  You don't like it but you accept it.  Don't forget my Kami, please talk about her with me.  She is not the elephant in the room, she is my daughter and I love and miss her.