Well, I made it through the year of first's. First birthday, first mother's day, first Kami's birthday, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first year since her death. I don't know whether to be glad they are over or just realize that now there will be seconds, then thirds, etc. It will never be the same. There is an empty spot in our family at all gatherings, family pictures, fantasy football to name just a few. I feel like I am numb some days. I think I should be doing better than I am but I really don't like to be around crowds, I am ok being alone, I am depressed and know it. Not depressed enough to do what Kami did, but just depressed. Yesterday I went to a baby shower and as I followed the directions to get there, it was right near where Kami killed herself at the Holiday Inn. As I got off the freeway to head to the home, I got a little panicky and just about turned around. At the baby shower, I looked at all of the young mom's and remembered how darn happy I was when I finally had that baby girl. I never in a million years thought I would have to give her up before I died. She was supposed to take care of me when I got old! We were supposed to become best friends as she got older. I'm lonely for that. I especially have been having a hard time around people that have that. I am envious, I will be honest.
When I drive on I-225 I have a hard time because that is where the hospital was located where she went after she overdosed and when she had her seizure. I associate making that drive with being on that freeway. It's easier now but it is still something I think about each and every time I pull onto 225. I know as time passes these things will become easier but right now they are still hard.
There was another mother I have met through this new club I belong to, and her 28 year old son killed himself in July. I heard late Thursday night that her 26 year old son killed himself using the same gun. I can't even begin to feel what this mom is going through. Please keep the Berryman family in your prayers. I keep thinking of that scripture that says you won't be given more than you can handle. Who judges what you can handle because that seems very unfair.
I have just come to accept that this is my life now. Happiness hopefully will return someday. Joy comes in spurts, especially when I am with the grandkids. They are the reason to keep on going. I want to build memories with them and be there for them as they grow up. I love them with all my heart and just having them walk in the door or me walking in theirs as they run up and throw their little arms around me melts my heart. They are happy, this is what I depend on each time I see them.
I love my boys and want them to be happy, my biggest fear is that something like this family above would happen in our family. I've lost a brother, a daughter. Please don't take anymore. Let them be happy, loved and successful.
We are coming up on the Denver AFSP walk. There is a lot of support for Kami and our family. I am trying really hard to put the energy into this walk that I did the first one. It is a much needed organization and I need to get more involved. Maybe now that I have this first year under my belt I can do that. When she first died, I wanted to be involved any way possible to prevent others from going through this. I still want that, I just didn't realize how much energy it would take. I need to find that energy and get moving. The busier I stay, the less I think.....
Lori, though I have experienced death, I cannot begin to imagine your grief and experience, nor that of the other family's. I do know that things will work out and in the process we are becoming more mature, more of a person with eternal understanding. I was impressed with what I was reading this morning and gleaned a little bit more about why sometimes we go into the depths that we do, each according to their different depths of sadness, of darkness, of guilt, of suffering... Jacob is talking to us, "Hearken unto me, ye that follow after righteousness. Look unto the rock from whence ye are hewn, (I love rocks.) and to the hole of the pit from whence ye are digged... Awake, awake! Put on strength..." From whence and how? "Art thou not he who hath dried the sea, the waters of the great deep; that hath made the depths of the sea a way for the ransomed to pass over?" As we call upon the Lord in our deep sea moments we carve out a way for our ransoming. As we trust that he can ransome us and our loved ones, a way for the ransomed to pass over is being created. Trusting in His atonement is the only way for us to know that, :11 "...the redeemed of the Lord shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy and holiness shall be upon their heads; and they shall obtain gladness and joy; sorrow and mourning shall flee away. I am he; yea, I am he taht comforteth you..." Trusting in His power in your deep sea moments will help you continue doing the good you are trying to live. We want our loved ones to see us happy, they do not wish to cause us so much grief and pain, but the oppresor would. Thank you for continuing in faith. Love ya, Elizabeth
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