TWO TOTES

 I have been doing some organizing.  When I moved from Colorado to St. George, I downsized a lot.  I  left most of my furniture there.  Luckily the girl that bought my townhome, was a first time home buyer and didn't have much to fill the townhome with.  I was happy to donate to the cause.   I only moved a couch, a dresser, and a couple of sofa tables and some shelfs.  I also had a bunch of totes with my whole life in them.  It is pretty amazing that I was able to fit my life into about 20 totes.  But I realize that is all just stuff.  I can't take it with me with me when I die.   When we moved from our big house in Highlands Ranch and downsized to our townhome in Aurora, we got rid of so much stuff.  I remember that we had a curio cabinet that belonged to Bud's mom.  As the boys were moving it up the stairs, they looked at me and asked if I really wanted this  (heavy) curio cabinet.  I told them it had belonged to Grandma Betty.  They looked at me and said "Well, she would want you to get rid of it also".  I remember I laughed at that.  They will be grateful that I have gotten rid of a lot of stuff.  I am someone that throws things out if I have not used it for a couple of years, my ex other half (definitely not better half) hung on to a lot more.  

I put everything in a storage unit when I moved here because I moved into a fully furnished place.  I am going to move the few items of furniture that have been in storage and the totes into my garage here to save a little money each month.  Friday night was the night I chose to go through all of the old totes and organize them into new clear totes and label everything.  In one box I found my wedding album.  I opened it up and saw a few of the pictures, and closed it again.   We were so young and happy and full of hope.    Little did I know that 42 years later it would end with the swat team coming in and arresting him.     There were some good times over the years and my biggest blessing because of this marriage, is my 3 children and 4 amazing grandkids.      I also looked at these pictures and just felt so many emotions, like anger, sadness, regret, and I will be honest, a little hatred.  I took that photo album and threw it away.  Didn't think twice about it.  I don't want it anymore, and I am sure that he doesn't want it.  After all, he gave up everything that we had built together.   He gave up his relationships with his children and grandchildren, and basically his entire family with  the choices he made.  He hasn't even met his youngest grandchild.  I can't even imagine not knowing my Zoe, and not being able to spend time with all of my grandkids and boys.    My family is my whole life.  My whole heart.  

As I was going through all of it, I put everything that I have of Kami into two totes.  That is all I have left of my Kami.  I sat down on the garage floor and sobbed.  It doesn't get any easier.  I sat there and cried and talked to her and said how much  I miss her and, I wish she was here with me to go through this chapter in my life.  I wish that I could just spend a few hours with her and I would tell her how sorry I am that I couldn't save her.  How much I love her, and how sorry I am and how I wish I would have been a better mom for her.  I would give my life to be able to save hers.  It doesn't matter that it has been 10 and a half years since I have seen her.  I would trade my life for hers in a second.  All I have left physically of Kami is two totes. TWO TOTES.    Luckily I do have  so many memories.  I also have pictures, and I have the memories that others share with me.  I am always so grateful when someone shares a dream or a memory they have had of Kami.  Don't ever be afraid of to share memories of a loved one that has passed.  I think every parent is grateful that their child has not been forgotten.   Remember, we can't take the physical stuff with us when we leave this earth, but we can take our memories.  

Thanks for the memories Kami.  

TIME MARCHES ON, SHE WOULD BE 32

 Last weekend, I did a Hike for Hope for Kami.  It was a small intimate walk in Pleasant Grove, Utah up to some beautiful waterfalls.  Marian came with me and we brought Bailey and Addie.  It is always interesting to be around other people that have lost someone to suicide.  There is a pain that is so deep that you can see in their eyes.  It doesn't matter how many days, weeks, months, years it has been.   The large hole in your heart is a part of you.  Something that will never go away.  I have really noticed it this year, especially on Mother's Day.  I see so many mom's that do things with their daughters and daughters that were visiting them in church.  I will never have that.  I will not be able to go on trips with Kami, get to know her as a true adult, know her kids' my unborn grandchildren.  See what she could have been as a professional.  I can't share simple things, like floating in a pool, taking the dogs for walks. Forwarding a funny meme to her.  My baby girl is gone from this life.  My little girl that used to have green hair at the end of the summer from swimming so much having such blond hair.  It usually took until December to turn back to her blond hair.  

I have started a new chapter in my life and love living in St. George.  I love the weather, the beautiful country.  I have realized that I don't need a man in my life to feel complete.  Especially a man that never acted like a husband anyway and put so much of the financial burden on me.  I'm glad to only be responsible for me.  A man that lied so much that he didn't even know what the truth was and I was too tired to find the truth.  Now that I know the truth, I am stunned, hurt, disappointed, baffled, but mostly grateful that I am divorced from him and able to move on with my life. 

Our lives are a constant change and that we can be sure of.  I have found the I am a strong person, I don't always want to be, but I have been forced to be.  I can do hard things, I have family and friends that support and love me.  I don't have any choice but to move forward.  I am grateful for my sons and grandkids.  They are my whole heart.  They help fill in around the HOLE in my heart. I am a lucky mom and Grandma to have them.  The lord still blesses me, just in different ways.  Sometimes I have to really look for those blessings and other times, I am able to see them through my mortal eyes.  

Kami Ann Harper would have been 32 on Monday the 27th of May, what I wouldn't give to give her a birthday hug and tell her how much I love her.  PLEASE give your kids an extra hug on Monday.  Kami I miss you with all my being.

 So many changes.  It has been 9 years since I have seen my Kami's face.  I have had so many changes in my life this past year and wish that I had Kami to go through them with me.  I went through a divorce.  Bud made some really bad choices that were not something that I wanted to be associated with in my life.  It is something that as a father and a husband, are inexcusable and involves children.  Our house was swarmed with a swat team on August 10th last year and the following Monday, I filed for divorce.  It has been a challenging year.   I put the townhome on the market and sold it and moved out of state.  I hope this will be a new start for me.  The only thing that I am hoping is that my son and daughter in law and granddaughter will come here with me.  It was their idea to begin with but then the market changed and now I am here alone.  I lost my little Ollie puppy a couple of months ago also.  He was just fine and then on a Friday, he started to pant really bad and by Saturday I knew he needed to go to the vet.  I took him in thinking that I would be able to just get him some medicine and bring him home.  They came in and told me that he was in heart failure.  My heart shattered.  He has been with me through losing Kami, through losing my marriage, through so many things.  I have always joked that when he went, they would need to put me down also.  I tried to call my son but it was 7 a.m. on a Saturday.  I sat in the room all alone and just held him and cried.  Then they came in and gave him the medicine and he was gone so quickly. I sat there and sobbed and realized that this is my life, I have to do all of these hard things alone.  I have been doing things alone for quite some time because Bud was always at "soccer" or so he said. It just really hit home that morning how alone I really am.    My Ollie was such a little guy with such a big heart and Bailey has such big shoes to fill in his wake.  I really miss my little Ollie puppy.  

I really wish Kami were here with me, because as a woman, she would know how much my heart hurts and what I am feeling at these losses in my life.  Having a daughter is something that you should never take for granted.  As adults, they should be your best friend, I don't have that best friend.  I have friends, but not that  daughter friend.  I am living in a beautiful home that I am renting for now until I have to make that decision of where I want to be more permanent.  Thank goodness for great family around me.  What a blessing they are in my life.  I am full of hope for the future.  I am getting older and need to make the most of the time I have left on this earth.  I need to make the best of it.

Who knew I would be this age and divorced and starting over.  When I was little, I am pretty sure I didn't say, when I grow up, I want to.....  They say things happen for a reason.  Let's see what this reason is.

Happy Heavenly Birthday

 It is so hard to believe that 30 years ago about this time, I started feeling kind of miserable and thought that maybe our little girl would be joining us on earth.  I remember about 9 p.m. being really sure and we headed for the hospital and by midnight I had the epidural and Bud went home to rest a little because the other two had taken so long.  About 4 a.m. on the 27th they told me to get Bud back and that she would be coming quick.  She had swallowed some yucky stuff and so they needed to get her out.  Bud walked into the room right before she was born and there were so many nurses and breathing specialists, etc in the room that I wouldn't have noticed if the janitor walked in to be a part of her entrance.

She had arrived, and I was so relieved to hear her cry. They took her right away and checked her out and once we knew that she was going to be a healthy baby, my heart was full, and I breathed a sigh of relief.  I remember crying tears of happiness and being so exhausted and so happy.  With the 3rd child, you realize that once you get home, you are the caretaker and won't have the nurses around to give you breaks so I took advantage of that, but I remember having her in my room a lot.  I remember just being so excited to have that little girl, the person that I would be able to shop for barbies with, dress in dresses, do her hair, bond with, and we did. we bonded.   She was loved and admired by her two big brothers and became the final baby in our family.  We were complete.  

She was my girlie girl for the first few years, I couldn't even get her to wear shorts for soccer when she was 4, we had to get her Skorts (shorts/skirt mixed) to wear so she would play.  She did took dance, she loved girlie things.  Then when she started school, she decided it was okay to wear pants and play soccer and ride bikes, and ATV's, and basically become a little tougher.  She had no choice with two older brothers.  Every Sunday was wrestling with them and her dad.  It wasn't a Sunday unless Kami was crying over being hurt and her brothers complaining because she always ruined it.  

As she got older, she had more friends that were boys because she hated the drama of the girl thing.  She did have a few girl friends and one of those was Sam.  She was such a good friend to Kami.  Kami had a very strong personality and Sam was a little on the quiet side.  She could stand up to Kami but she was fine with Kami being the strong one in their friendship.  Her house was a refuge for Kami as she got older and thought that we, the parents, knew nothing.  On Saturday, the 28th, Sam is marrying the love of her life, and I am so happy for her.  I feel honored that I have been invited.  I know that between that and the fact that Kami would be 30 tomorrow, I have been crying at the drop of a hat, thinking about her non-stop.  You would think that 8 years later, it wouldn't hurt as bad....but it does....probably worse at times.  

That tight bond that we had when she was younger began to unravel when she was about 15.  She started to pull away and make some really questionable choices.  I saw so much potential in her.  I just wish she would have been able to see it herself.   I cried and spent many sleepless nights waiting in the front window, praying that she would come home safely.  I was always grateful and a little uneasy when she would come home, not in the best shape, but I was grateful she was home.  I wish that she could have seen what everyone else saw in her and the future that she could have had.  I wish that I could give her a big hug for her birthday tomorrow.  I wish I could watch her blow out 30 candles on a cake.  I would give anything to spend just a little time with her to tell her how much I love and miss her.  I wish she was going to Sam's wedding with me.  She would be so happy for her.

A mother's sacrifice

At church today, another mother that lost a daughter, came in and said "Happy Easter" to me.  She then kissed me on the forehead and said, "we both appreciate this holiday so much more, don't we?"  It really made me stop and think about the sacrifice that one mother made years ago in order for me to see my Kami again.   I know I will see Kami again. In my heart of hearts, I know.    I am grateful for a savior that died for all of our sins so that I will be able to see her again.  

Last weekend I went down to spend some time with my Dan, April and my grandkids.  We had a wonderful weekend and during many moments, I enjoyed the fact that I was able to get in a car, drive four hours through a beautiful canyon, I enjoyed the fact that I can take a blow up a mattress and take turns sleeping in a different grandkid's bedrooms with them at night.  It is nice to be able to just talk one on one with them.  We took a long walk in Fruita and saw some beautiful homes and ended up getting a treat and soda at Quave. I enjoyed that we could play games together, even though they have to be extra patient with me explaining the rules sometime.    I appreciate every moment I get to spend with my family.  

The weekend before that, Ryan and Jess came over and shared some awesome news with us.  We are going to be grandparents again.  I am so excited to have another grandchild and a sweet baby on this earth.  I hope Kami is hanging out with that little spirit as much as possible and telling them how lucky they will be to be born into the Harper family.  I hope she is telling them about special memories she has with our family.

 

Each time one of these events happen, I think so much about Kami and about the fact that she is missing out being here with us for these events.  I know everyone says that she is with us in spirit, but I wish she could be here in body to enjoy these little nieces and nephews.  She loved Dan and April's kids and I know she would love Ryan and Jess's little ones also.  She would be amazed that we now have 6 dogs between all of us.  The ratio of grand dogs to grandchildren, is larger at this point until the new little Harper arrives.

People talk about the trials that we have to go through in our lives and how they make us grow.  There are many that I don't understand.   I hope we can ask questions on the other side. What did I need to learn by losing Kami.  Why couldn't I have been taught another way.  This is so hard.   Maybe losing Kami has made me appreciate the little things that I used to take for granted.  Maybe I squeeze my kids and grandkids a little tighter each time I see them because you never know if you will get that chance again.  

Today in Sunday school we watched the video of Christ's crucifixion and so many things stuck out to me.  One being that when Ceasar said, what shall we do with this man and a man in the crowd yelled out, "crucify him" and then in turn everyone around him started to chant that. It just goes to show that one person can change the direction of so many.    At this same time, it shows his mother Mary, crying out, "save my son".  My heart ached for Mary and in that moment, I was one with Mary.  I could understand the heartache she went through.  What an awful thing she went through to have to watch her child be nailed to a cross and suffer knowing that there was no way to save him.  That would have been excruciating.  I didn't watch Kami die and I honestly don't think I could have survived that if I would have.  Learning of her death after the fact, was torture.  

I want Mary to know, from one heartbroken mother to another, that I am so grateful for her sacrifice that she made so that I will be able to see Kami again.  From one mother to another, Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.  The picture below, shows what makes my heart happy.  I am grateful to be a grandma.

Where did the last 8 years go?

 It has been 2,818 days since we lost Kami to suicide.  It has been so long.  It feels  much longer than 8 years.  Sometimes if feel like forever.     I went to the AFSP Out of the Darkness walk in St. George this past weekend instead of doing the large one that I have been in charge of here in Denver for the past  3 years.  It was so nice to show up just before it started and do the walk in the pouring  rain and then leave afterwards and not have to worry about cleaning up, doing the accounting, putting things away in the storage unit.  I walked to remember Kami and bring awareness to the cause.  I talk about the walks every chance I get.  I am always willing to talk about suicide prevention.      

There was a family at the walk that had just lost their son in July of this year. It is  heartbreaking to talk to someone who has those fresh wounds.   They are still in the stage of unbearable grief, your heart is physically hurting and your eyes are constantly swollen from the hours and hours crying.   I remember those days well.  I was talking to one of the family members and she asked me what she could do to help her brother who was the father of the boy that had died.  I said, "just say Thatcher's name often", "make sure to talk about him".  

That is the one thing that I know for sure is that everyone else will go back to their homes and go on with their lives.  For you the parent, you will never go back to your regular life before the day you lost your child.   For the parents, it never is out of your mind.  Everyone else has gone on with their lives the past 8 years.  But for Bud and I, we  have been stuck in a time warp of having that memory fresh in our minds.  We are not the same people we were before August 29th, 2014.  We are changed people, definitely  not for the better, but  definitely changed.  It was so hard to see the parents of this young man because I do know exactly what they are going through.  So many times after the death of someone you hear people say, I can only imagine what you are going through.  I don't need to imagine, I can feel, taste, smell, relate, empathize, cry, understand every agonizing moment of what they are going through.  

With the time that has passed, I am not any less hurt or sad about losing Kami, It is still a wound, maybe not fresh,  but my heart is wounded.  Each year when I participate/or be in charge of one of these events, I do it because I want to be there for other families that are going through it and I want to bring the awareness to everyone to talk about it so that maybe one person can avoid losing a family member to suicide.  One thing that was awesome about the walk in St. George is that it rained, we got soaked.  But after the storm was a beautiful rainbow.   

This is a crazy world we are living in right now and no doubt will get crazier.  We need to be there for each other and be more empathetic, more caring, kinder.  It really is simple, just be kinder and smile at someone, that may be the only smile they get all day. Be someone's rainbow.   Please Remember Kami.  Please say her name.

The Empty Nest

 I was watching a show the other day and something tugged at my heart that I wanted to write about here.  The two characters were arguing about something and the daughter said, Mom, you don't need to take care of me anymore.  The mom looked at her and said, "I just want you to be six years old again with your little braids and need me".  It made me think how much of my identity has been as a mom.  When people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said a mom.  I also wanted to be a school teacher for a minute, a secretary for a while ( I loved to type)  and I am sure numerous other things, but I always wanted to be a mom.  

Being a mom is the best thing there is, next to being a grandma.  You have to become one to become the other.  I think back to each of my children being newborns and then toddlers,  then pre teens, and teens, and then adults that you love to spend time with.  Just when you get to like them as an adult, they move out.   You spend the whole time they are little wishing they are bigger so you can do more things,  and then they get bigger and move out.  You want them to all come back home.  

There is nothing better than having all of them come back to visit and sit around the table and just listening to them talk about what is going on in their lives now and talk about times growing up.  It melts my heart.  This life is short and the older I get the more I realize just how short it is and that I don't have a ton of years left on this earth.  I have enjoyed every minute of watching my kids grow up and now watching my grandkids (hopefully I will get some more) and who knows if I will be around for great grandkids but it doesn't get any better than that.  

I want them to still need me....

When you leave this world, you can't take money or things with you, but you can take the memories.  I will take the memories of holding those little hands and watching them grow into big hands.  Still the same hold on my heart, no matter the size.