It has been 2,818 days since we lost Kami to suicide. It has been so long. It feels much longer than 8 years. Sometimes if feel like forever. I went to the AFSP Out of the Darkness walk in St. George this past weekend instead of doing the large one that I have been in charge of here in Denver for the past 3 years. It was so nice to show up just before it started and do the walk in the pouring rain and then leave afterwards and not have to worry about cleaning up, doing the accounting, putting things away in the storage unit. I walked to remember Kami and bring awareness to the cause. I talk about the walks every chance I get. I am always willing to talk about suicide prevention.
There was a family at the walk that had just lost their son in July of this year. It is heartbreaking to talk to someone who has those fresh wounds. They are still in the stage of unbearable grief, your heart is physically hurting and your eyes are constantly swollen from the hours and hours crying. I remember those days well. I was talking to one of the family members and she asked me what she could do to help her brother who was the father of the boy that had died. I said, "just say Thatcher's name often", "make sure to talk about him".
That is the one thing that I know for sure is that everyone else will go back to their homes and go on with their lives. For you the parent, you will never go back to your regular life before the day you lost your child. For the parents, it never is out of your mind. Everyone else has gone on with their lives the past 8 years. But for Bud and I, we have been stuck in a time warp of having that memory fresh in our minds. We are not the same people we were before August 29th, 2014. We are changed people, definitely not for the better, but definitely changed. It was so hard to see the parents of this young man because I do know exactly what they are going through. So many times after the death of someone you hear people say, I can only imagine what you are going through. I don't need to imagine, I can feel, taste, smell, relate, empathize, cry, understand every agonizing moment of what they are going through.
With the time that has passed, I am not any less hurt or sad about losing Kami, It is still a wound, maybe not fresh, but my heart is wounded. Each year when I participate/or be in charge of one of these events, I do it because I want to be there for other families that are going through it and I want to bring the awareness to everyone to talk about it so that maybe one person can avoid losing a family member to suicide. One thing that was awesome about the walk in St. George is that it rained, we got soaked. But after the storm was a beautiful rainbow.
This is a crazy world we are living in right now and no doubt will get crazier. We need to be there for each other and be more empathetic, more caring, kinder. It really is simple, just be kinder and smile at someone, that may be the only smile they get all day. Be someone's rainbow. Please Remember Kami. Please say her name.
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