I have been doing some organizing. When I moved from Colorado to St. George, I downsized a lot. I left most of my furniture there. Luckily the girl that bought my townhome, was a first time home buyer and didn't have much to fill the townhome with. I was happy to donate to the cause. I only moved a couch, a dresser, and a couple of sofa tables and some shelfs. I also had a bunch of totes with my whole life in them. It is pretty amazing that I was able to fit my life into about 20 totes. But I realize that is all just stuff. I can't take it with me with me when I die. When we moved from our big house in Highlands Ranch and downsized to our townhome in Aurora, we got rid of so much stuff. I remember that we had a curio cabinet that belonged to Bud's mom. As the boys were moving it up the stairs, they looked at me and asked if I really wanted this (heavy) curio cabinet. I told them it had belonged to Grandma Betty. They looked at me and said "Well, she would want you to get rid of it also". I remember I laughed at that. They will be grateful that I have gotten rid of a lot of stuff. I am someone that throws things out if I have not used it for a couple of years, my ex other half (definitely not better half) hung on to a lot more.
I put everything in a storage unit when I moved here because I moved into a fully furnished place. I am going to move the few items of furniture that have been in storage and the totes into my garage here to save a little money each month. Friday night was the night I chose to go through all of the old totes and organize them into new clear totes and label everything. In one box I found my wedding album. I opened it up and saw a few of the pictures, and closed it again. We were so young and happy and full of hope. Little did I know that 42 years later it would end with the swat team coming in and arresting him. There were some good times over the years and my biggest blessing because of this marriage, is my 3 children and 4 amazing grandkids. I also looked at these pictures and just felt so many emotions, like anger, sadness, regret, and I will be honest, a little hatred. I took that photo album and threw it away. Didn't think twice about it. I don't want it anymore, and I am sure that he doesn't want it. After all, he gave up everything that we had built together. He gave up his relationships with his children and grandchildren, and basically his entire family with the choices he made. He hasn't even met his youngest grandchild. I can't even imagine not knowing my Zoe, and not being able to spend time with all of my grandkids and boys. My family is my whole life. My whole heart.
As I was going through all of it, I put everything that I have of Kami into two totes. That is all I have left of my Kami. I sat down on the garage floor and sobbed. It doesn't get any easier. I sat there and cried and talked to her and said how much I miss her and, I wish she was here with me to go through this chapter in my life. I wish that I could just spend a few hours with her and I would tell her how sorry I am that I couldn't save her. How much I love her, and how sorry I am and how I wish I would have been a better mom for her. I would give my life to be able to save hers. It doesn't matter that it has been 10 and a half years since I have seen her. I would trade my life for hers in a second. All I have left physically of Kami is two totes. TWO TOTES. Luckily I do have so many memories. I also have pictures, and I have the memories that others share with me. I am always so grateful when someone shares a dream or a memory they have had of Kami. Don't ever be afraid of to share memories of a loved one that has passed. I think every parent is grateful that their child has not been forgotten. Remember, we can't take the physical stuff with us when we leave this earth, but we can take our memories.
Thanks for the memories Kami.
No comments:
Post a Comment