So many changes.  It has been 9 years since I have seen my Kami's face.  I have had so many changes in my life this past year and wish that I had Kami to go through them with me.  I went through a divorce.  Bud made some really bad choices that were not something that I wanted to be associated with in my life.  It is something that as a father and a husband, are inexcusable and involves children.  Our house was swarmed with a swat team on August 10th last year and the following Monday, I filed for divorce.  It has been a challenging year.   I put the townhome on the market and sold it and moved out of state.  I hope this will be a new start for me.  The only thing that I am hoping is that my son and daughter in law and granddaughter will come here with me.  It was their idea to begin with but then the market changed and now I am here alone.  I lost my little Ollie puppy a couple of months ago also.  He was just fine and then on a Friday, he started to pant really bad and by Saturday I knew he needed to go to the vet.  I took him in thinking that I would be able to just get him some medicine and bring him home.  They came in and told me that he was in heart failure.  My heart shattered.  He has been with me through losing Kami, through losing my marriage, through so many things.  I have always joked that when he went, they would need to put me down also.  I tried to call my son but it was 7 a.m. on a Saturday.  I sat in the room all alone and just held him and cried.  Then they came in and gave him the medicine and he was gone so quickly. I sat there and sobbed and realized that this is my life, I have to do all of these hard things alone.  I have been doing things alone for quite some time because Bud was always at "soccer" or so he said. It just really hit home that morning how alone I really am.    My Ollie was such a little guy with such a big heart and Bailey has such big shoes to fill in his wake.  I really miss my little Ollie puppy.  

I really wish Kami were here with me, because as a woman, she would know how much my heart hurts and what I am feeling at these losses in my life.  Having a daughter is something that you should never take for granted.  As adults, they should be your best friend, I don't have that best friend.  I have friends, but not that  daughter friend.  I am living in a beautiful home that I am renting for now until I have to make that decision of where I want to be more permanent.  Thank goodness for great family around me.  What a blessing they are in my life.  I am full of hope for the future.  I am getting older and need to make the most of the time I have left on this earth.  I need to make the best of it.

Who knew I would be this age and divorced and starting over.  When I was little, I am pretty sure I didn't say, when I grow up, I want to.....  They say things happen for a reason.  Let's see what this reason is.