Keep a prayer in your heart!

I just wanted to thank everyone for the prayers.  I feel the strength from them.  Last week I was at the Chili's where Ryan used to work and his old manager came up to me and said she was trying to figure out where she knew me.  I told her I was Ryan's mom.  She came over and gave me a big hug and told me "I pray for your family every single day".  She hugged me when I was leaving the restaurant and said she would continue to pray for me.    I can't tell you how many times I have heard this from people.  "We are praying for you".  Three months ago I wanted to get in my bed and curl up and give die.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the prayers are what get me up every day and make me put one foot in front of the other.  I pray every day for my heavenly father to wrap Kami in his arms and tell her how much I love and miss her.     I want her to know she is loved and missed.  This Christmas is going to be a tough one.  No matter how many people are sitting around the table at dinner, playing the present game, opening presents, going to our Christmas day movie, we are one short.  We will be for the rest of our lives.  Please keep praying for us.  We are going to continue to need the strength to get out of bed each day.  .  There are so many holes in our hearts.   The prayers are helping to plug the holes.  Thank you.

Bah Humbug

I am having a really hard time this year even wanting to put up our Christmas tree.  I normally put it up the day after Thanksgiving.  We were out of town this year and that is part of it but I just don't have it in me this year.  I actually came home from work tonight and asked Bud to bring it up so that I could "get it over with".  We are having some people over on Christmas Eve so I didn't want to seem like a scrooge and figured I better put up at least a minimum of Christmas stuff. 
In the past, Kami helped me put up the Christmas tree.  Normally on Christmas Eve we fondue.  Last year we didn't.  We decided to barbeque steaks instead.  I remember Kami came in and was pretty devastated because we had switched it up. She and Jeff had been in Hawaii and she came home the day before Christmas Eve.  I hadn't had a chance to tell her we were doing something different.   Had I known it was her last, I would have made sure that we did the fondue.  I told her we would do it next year which is now this year.


We are going to barbeque steaks instead.  The fun of doing certain traditions are just not the same.  Our family is changing.  Dan and April are wanting to create their own memories with their little family. I don't blame them.   Ryan is all grown up and Kami is gone.  I am really struggling with these changes.  So many people look forward to the empty nest, I don't like it.  I like the nest to be full.  These changes are tough.  It has been 3 months since Kami passed away.  Is it easier?  No, I don't think so.  Everyone has gone on with their lives.  I don't blame them, I have gone on to an extent.  Not because I want to, because I have to get up each morning when that alarm goes off and go to work and get through another day.  Life goes on. 

I'm Thankful for my Family

We just returned from a weekend in Moab.  One of the last family trips we took with Kami back in May of 2013 was to Moab.  She loved it down there.  We all do.  We rented a condo and all of us stayed together.  My mom and her friend Grandma Pat drove down and had Thanksgiving dinner with us and we went to see the Penguins of Madagascar.  If any of you have ever gone to the movies in Moab, I highly suggest you get there early.  I'm so used to the 24 plex in Highlands Ranch and you can walk in at starting time or later and usually get a really good seat.  We walked in right on time in Moab and all of the seats are pretty much at the same level and we were stuck on the second row off on the right side.  Talk about a crick in your neck!!  The movie was cute but learned a valuable lesson about showing up early.


Mom and Pat came over to see us on Saturday morning  and shared some awesome cinnamon rolls that April had made, and then they took off to stop by and see my niece in Price and head back to Orem.  Bud's sister and her two kids and their spouses, came down on Saturday afternoon.  We hiked up to an arch that we had been to a couple of times.  We had from ages 1 to 70 with us.  It was a beautiful afternoon.  A little chilly but not too bad.  We went to a beautiful spot and Dan and Ryan had brought some music up with a little speaker.  We listened to some of Kami's favorite tunes and just enjoyed the moment.  No one really talked, it was pretty quiet.  Bud walked over to the edge of a cliff and said that he felt a breeze and knew it was Kami.  When he told me that later, I thought, she definitely is on the other side because she wasn't a quiet breeze on this side.  She was usually a loud storm.  We finished our hike over to the arch and took some pictures of the area.  Several people mentioned that it was good to just have time to reflect and think about Kami. It was a bittersweet moment to be there with our family yet not all of our family.  It will never be the same.  Our family is forever changed and one member short. 
On another note, I got to spend some fun time with the three grandkids while the other adults went Frisbee golfing.  I took them to the petting zoo at the Hole in the Rock and Lizzie and Mel got to ride Luke the camel.  They got to feed the animals until one of the over excited ostriches stole the bucket of food right out of Melody's hand.  We played at a playground and colored and read books.  They are such a blessing to me.  They love me unconditionally and I love them with all my heart.  I am thankful for my family, especially the grandkids.  They make me smile. 

TGFF

Thank goodness for friends.  I can't tell you how grateful and blessed I feel for the friends in my life.  I have had a continual stream of people calling, texting and checking in with me to see how I am doing.  There have been a few days when it just felt like too much to answer them but most of the time, I have been very thankful that people care enough to check on me.  I have enjoyed the lunches I have had with people.  Number one because I love food.  Number two because who doesn't like to go to lunch with friends.  The thing that has been nice is that no one has expected me to "share" what has happened.  There have been times when I have been totally comfortable talking about Kami and what this has done to our lives and other times, we just enjoy a nice lunch.  I have had so many people tell me that they pray for us continually.  There are no words to tell you how grateful I am for those prayers.  There have been times when I have felt that is all that keeps me going.  I was telling someone the other day that I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and I have to figure out how to get up each morning and continue to breathe with my heart injured. 
I'm sure you have heard the quote "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold".  I have had friends I have known for many years and some that are newer in my life say just the right thing at the right moment to get me through some tough times.  Many of the people that are my friends are people that Kami introduced me to through her friends.  The parents of Kami's friends have become good friends in my life.  I am thankful to those friends because they can help me keep those memories of Kami alive.   My fear is that she will be forgotten.  I don't want that to happen.  She lived and made an impact in our hearts and I want her to continue to be with us and be part of our memories.  I pray for her every day.  I am so thankful for the concern that has been shown for our family and want everyone to know how grateful I am for good friends. 

Soccer is Life!

If you know our family, the title says it all.  We have spent so many hours on ball fields over the years.  I used to have a sign in my house that said, It's 6:00 pm, do you know what  field your parents  are on? When Kami was four years old, she played her first game of soccer.  At that time in her life,  she would only wear dresses, so I got her to at least wear "skorts".  She had a young, cute high school boy as her coach.  I don't think she touched the ball much that season because no matter where the coach was, she was right next to him.  I'm sure she wanted to marry him.  She was a young bloomer.  Once she got the hang of the game and got over the coach, she became a very talented athlete.  She grew to love the game. 


She had to spend a lot of time at baseball diamonds, soccer fields, football fields etc. as her brothers grew up, and she always wanted to be as good as they were at whatever she tried.  She always was.  She became  a defensive player once she settled into the game.  The defense is usually not the coveted position in soccer  because you don't get to score the goals.   Your main focus is keeping the ball out of the opposing team's goal.  She played sweeper for much of her high school career which is the last player before the goalie.  During her senior year she was the captain on her club team and the goalie quit or got hurt and she stepped in and played because no one else would do it.  She did what had to be done.



I went to watch a soccer game last Saturday.  It was a beautiful 70 plus degree day.  It was a group of 15 year old girls that my son coaches.  As I watched the game, I got  thinking about how much soccer has been a part of the Harper family.  One thing that really impressed me was that every coach that Kami played for in competitive soccer and High School was at her funeral.  They each had an influence in her life, some positive, some negative. Depending on how Kami looked at it at the time.  Soccer is a team sport.  If you played on Kami's soccer team, she had your back.  She was the first one to run up and intimidate the opposite team and protect her teammates if someone needed it. She was very competitive and no matter what she was playing, she liked to win.   She could trash talk with the best of them.  I think that is why she liked playing sweeper because she could sit back there and have "conversations" with the forwards of the opposite team and get in their heads.  I was sitting there thinking about Kami during this soccer game last week and thinking how life is so much like a soccer game.  Life is a team sport.  There were many "teammates" that influenced Kami and helped her try and make her goals.  She made some wonderful friends through soccer, awesome, fun girls.  She had the support of many of the  parents of those girls also.   I am grateful to those parents for their support of Kami. 


Sometimes in the game of soccer, you get yellow cards for some infraction and if it was bad enough you get a red card and have to sit out a game.  I don't think Kami ever had a red card but she had her share of yellow cards.  Yellow cards are a warning, you have to leave the game but you can come back in and keep playing.  Three yellows are the equivalent of a red card where you have to sit out an entire game.  The coach is there for the girls to teach them and keep them under control just like parents are there for their kids to teach them and keep them under control.  As a parent there is such a good feeling when your child scores a goal or their team scores a goal.  We all love to win.  Let's be truthful, Second place is the first loser!    It is such a good feeling to watch your child succeed.  On the other hand, it is kind of a bummer to see your child get a yellow card.  Kami had a lot of "yellow" cards in her life during the teen years, so many "warnings" for choices she was making.  She had many coaches trying to get her back in the game but she couldn't see the goal anymore, she was content with sitting on the bench.  No matter how many teachers, friends, family members, coaches, etc were there for her, she just didn't see how much potential she had.   

During the weeks right after Kami's death, we received such amazing support from the soccer community.  We are so grateful for it.  The hugs, the meals, the gift cards, the treats, they were all so appreciated and those of you that brought these things to us, will never know how much you helped.  Bud is possessed with soccer and I think having soccer to keep him busy was a great coping mechanism for him to get through these past few weeks.  He loves the players he coaches and if he can have a positive influence on a player and keep them in the game, he is  happy to do that. Bud has received some amazing thank you's from players over the years and I have seen tears in his eyes as he has read them. We hope that each young person can see their potential.  Don't ever let life get you that far down.    I would hate to see anyone go through this experience. 

I feel like we have been on a losing streak the last few weeks but like every team, it will turn around and get better.  We have such a good crowd cheering us on.  We have a loving heavenly father "coach" that only wants the best for us.  For the time being, Kami has been traded to another team.  She has been traded to the team of spirits watching over us.  She will continue to progress and I think she knows that our team is struggling since she was traded.  We are looking forward to seeing her again.  We can't wait to play Ligretto with her again.  It is a card game that Dan brought back from his mission in Germany.  We have played some fierce games over the years.  For Bud's birthday last year, Ryan surprised Bud and took him to see a world cup qualifier game of the USA playing Costa Rica at the Rapids field.  They had the time of their lives despite the snow.  I know it will feel like the world cup when I get to see Kami again.  I look forward to it, it doesn't even matter if is snowing!



"And I quote"

I mentioned in a previous post that Kami collected tons of quotes.  I don't remember how old she was when she started collecting them but it was in her early teens.  She had a white board in her room and she was constantly putting new quotes on it.  I have really enjoyed reading through her book of quotes.  She had so many different quotes about so many different areas of her life.  I noticed as I read through the quotes, there are a lot of quotes about falling in love, finding peace in life, friendship, equality, and unity among other topics.  I would love to share all of them but I have included just a few with the link below.  Bud was given a book by his sister when Kami died, it is called An Angel in the Clouds.  It is about a young man that suffered from OCD and depression for most of his life and finally at the age of 27  took his own life.  What I found interesting is that he liked to collect quotes also.  He kept them on note cards.  It makes me wonder if this is a coping mechanism for people who suffer from depression.  Just a thought. I have no idea but I find it interesting that this young man kept quotes also. 


A few days before Kami died I injured my back.  I am not sure how, but I was moving some furniture and I must have injured it then. Later that night I woke up with shooting pain in my left leg and I have been up pretty much every night since then.  The physical pain wakes me up and then I lay there and think and have a terrible time getting back to sleep.  It has really made me think about the mental pain that Kami had been going through and for how long was it unbearable.  How many nights did she lay awake trying to figure out how to make the pain stop and how to  find some peace.  Where could she feel safe. 


I am going to share a couple of quotes that  stood out for me for one reason or another:


"If I had my life to live over, I would make the same mistakes, only sooner"

“For the first time you can open your eyes, See the world without your sorrow, No one knows the pain you’ve left behind, All the peace you could never find is waiting there."

I had a good friend pass away early this morning. She has been sick for a little while and she was in a lot of pain.   The last time I talked to her, she told me that she would tell Kami that I loved and missed her when she got to the other side.  Then she said, "then I'm going to beat the *&^% out of her!!"  I am so glad that she is there with Kami and I am sure they have seen each other.  I hold on to  the hope that she was able to tell her how much I miss her and love her. 

 

Another thing I found interesting is how much her handwriting changes towards the end.  I know this sounds funny but her writing looks sad and kind of angry.  Anyone that has received a letter from Kami over the years, she always ended it with a quote.  This is what I am going to do with this post. 

(Below is the one I have printed out and have on my monitor at work) 

“You can shed tears that they are gone,Or you can smile

because they have lived. You can close your eyes

and pray they will Come back, or you can open your eyes

and see all they’ve left. Your heart can be empty because you

Can’t see them, or you can be full of The love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you

can be happy For tomorrow because of yesterday. You can

remember them only that they are gone, or you can cherish their

memory and let it live on.  You can cry and close your mind, be

empty and turn your back, or you can do what they would have wanted,

smile, Open your eyes and go on.”

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_hyogoVoN_0bnBKRXJSblZ4ZVk/view?usp=sharing 

　

　

Families are Forever

Today I went to see my oldest granddaughter Lizzie participate in her primary program.  Once a year in our church,  the children ages 3-11 put on our sacrament meeting program.  They learn new songs throughout the year, and then they practice really hard for several weeks leading up to it.  This year the theme was "Families are Forever".  As I looked up at those sweet little wiggly children, I remembered Kami participating in those programs as she grew up.  She attended primary along with the other children.  She had loved to participate in the program each year.  Much more than her brothers ever wanted to.  She was  one of those wiggly children of God.  As I listened to the children sing their songs today about families, it made me grateful that Heavenly Father trusted me enough to send three awesome children into our family.  Three adorable, head strong, loving, talented, athletic, spunky kids that grew into adulthood despite doing a few stupid things along the way.   They could not be more different even though they were raised pretty much the same way and they are definitely individuals with individual personalities.  This just goes to show how important good friends are because there comes a time when you are no longer the one that is spending as much time with them and your opinion just isn't quite as important as their friends.    As a parent, one of the hardest things that you watch. is your child making a wrong choice.  You can talk until you are blue in the face and let them know exactly what the outcome will be because you have lived or watched someone live certain experiences and know the outcomes.  They still have their free agency which is part of Heavenly Father's plan. 

When Kami was young, it was much easier to "control" those choices.  When your child is young, they don't know to "stay out of the street", "don't touch that or you will get burned", "don't talk to strangers" unless you tell them.  That is how they learn.   When she got into her teenage years, her choices changed and she became very rebellious.  My heart ached and I shed many tears during these  years.  I apologized to my own mother over and over for how I had treated her when I was a teenager.  I felt like a failure as a parent many times and still do.  It was so much simpler when she listened and my opinion mattered. I have been told by a few people that God doesn't give you anything you can't handle and he only sends the "hard to handle" kids to those people he knows will love them unconditionally no matter what.  ( I am not by any means saying that I am a better, stronger parent than anyone else)  I don't know what squirrel was running by and distracted me in the life before, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't listening when they said, "It's gonna be a bumpy ride, you better hang on and there is no getting off once the ride has started."    Had I been listening I would have jumped off the ride and said no I want an easier ride.  I want the merry go round, not the roller coaster. 




I am grateful to be a mom, I am grateful to be a grandma. I am humbled that the Lord thought that I could handle the tougher ride but I am very tired and want the ride to slow down.  I want Heavenly Father to wrap his arms around me and tell me that it will be ok. 

As the primary children sang today:


I have a family here on earth, they are so good to me.
I want to share my life with them through all eternity.
Families can be together forever, through Heavenly Father's plan,
I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can,
The Lord has shown me how I can. 




I am hanging onto this hope with every fiber of my being.  I know I will see Kami again.  I hope she will be the happy Kami that we knew and not the anguished Kami that we struggled with.  Either way, it will be a blessing to see her again.    Kami, thank you for letting me be your mom and like it or not, Families are Forever!

The sound of music

We just returned from a long weekend trip to St George, Utah.  We had been planning this trip since May when we were over in Utah for Kami's open house, We met my aunt and uncle down there and trying to find a weekend when we could all four be there was tough.  We looked at the calendar and found a weekend when my husband didn't have soccer and this was it.  Little did we know at that time, that we would need this weekend  more than we both knew.  It was so nice to get away from the reality of home/jobs, and everything we have been through since August.   We took Kami's cd from her memorial service with us and listened to it on a beautiful section of highway between Green River and Salina, Utah.  It was the kind of country that Kami loved.  We were able to really listen to the remarks and the music. I thoroughly enjoyed  the scenery as we drove and really appreciated it more than I would have otherwise.   We also took the cd of music that our son had put together with Kami's favorite tunes on it that we played at her memorial service while pictures of her life were in a slideshow.  There was a lot of music on this cd that talked about peace and everyone getting along.  It also had the  classic "stairway to heaven" on it.  Kami and I always talked about how each of us wanted that played at our funerals.  When Kami was in her junior year of high school, her grades started to slip, she became more defiant,  and   started hanging with the friends that she was smoking marijuana with.   She used to like a particular artist and would go to his concerts all of the time.    She used to play it for me and I always associated his music with the drug use.   She has loved him for the past 5 years at least.  We played his music as the opening and closing songs at Kami's service.  Right after the memorial service, I would listen to this music and just cry.  Now I listen to it and I smile.  I have gone to this artist's website and learned about him.  He is very much about peace and love and co-existing in society.  Kami had many quotes about this same thing in her quote book.  Right after her service, I e-mailed Trevor Hall through his manager, and told him that we had used his music at Kami's service and how much joy he had brought to Kami during her lifetime.  I attached a picture of her and told him that one of the last things that she and her brother did together, was attend his concert at Red Rocks.  I had kind of forgotten that I had written to him.  As we were driving back from St. George, I was checking e-mails and I received an e-mail back from him.  He said that he was very sorry to hear the sad news.  He said that he was glad that Kami felt a connection to his music.  He also said that the music flows through him from some other place.  He isn't quite sure where...but it is a healing place and has done a lot for him.  He said that he hoped that it provided her with some happiness during her time here.  He wished our family lots of love and strength.  That really meant a lot to me. For him to take the time to respond to me, says a lot about his character and what he stands for. I really did appreciate his e-mail.   His music has  become a place of healing for me.   I have been a rock and roll girl my whole life,  and usually I am pretty accepting of most types of  music.  I have learned that I can listen to music and gain a greater understanding of people.  I have also learned that music can bring me peace and happiness.  I am grateful for this "break" I was able to take, and for the chance to really listen.  Sometimes we have to create the quiet in our lives to be able to appreciate something.   Sometimes music will touch our hearts in a certain way because it is what we need at that moment.  I know that I have gained a greater appreciation for the sound of Kami's music. 
www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwUrS4LNjSE.  Take a minute to listen and enjoy! 

Kami's Smile

I know one of the thing's I will miss the most is Kami's smile.  She had a beautiful smile that we paid several thousand dollars for! When she smiled her eyes would light up and she would make other's smile.  At Kami's memorial service, people wrote down on pieces of paper favorite memories about Kami.  So many of them said she was so full of life and energy.  One said "your smile made me smile".  Another said" She always came over exuding fun, joy and friendliness.  She was so willing to love all those around her and made everyone feel happy to be hanging out with her.  We loved her in our home".  Many people commented on her working at Staples.  "I often had to go to staples for office supplies and Kami's smiling face and kind words always made me feel appreciated.  We will all miss her".  One comment said "Kami was comfortable with people of all ages.  It impresses me that her mom made room for her in all aspects of her life and gave her opportunities for so many experiences.  I believe that is why she had friends of all ages.  I considered her a friend.  She had such a great smile". 

Kami and Sam at Winter Park

What is hard for me to accept is how she could still smile on the outside and be so full of hurt and anguish on the inside.  How could we have changed the outcome?  As a parent you should be able to fix everything. Why couldn't we fix this. 

Kami and Ollie puppy.  They had a love/hate relationship. Ollie puppy was scared to death of her!

 Kami had a white board in her room and she was constantly changing the quotes on this board.  It was always fun to come into her room and see what pictures she had on drawn on it especially when her friend Sam had been over.  They were pretty creative together. Some appropriate and some no so appropriate if you know what I mean.   Now that Kami is gone, she has left behind a couple of books that were full of her collected quotes.  I will share more of those in a separate blog but I wanted to share a couple that I found that maybe explains why the smiles were on the outside and the hurt she was feeling on the inside.  One particular page had the following: "What do you do if the only one who can make you stop crying, is the one who made you cry"? "Want my advice?  Stay

mad as long as you can cause once you stop, it hurts like hell" "You change for two reasons; either you learn enough that you want to, or you hurt enough that you have to" "It's a lot easier to say ur mad; than to admit ur hurt".  "I build walls to see who cares enough to break them down" "I finally learned what life is about.. hanging on when your hearts had enough... and giving more when you wanna give up".

Kami and her babies

I wish she would have just hung on a little longer and told us that her heart had had enough.  There are so many different quotes she left behind but one that is perfect to end this post is kind of a long one. "Many people will walk in and out of your life but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.  To handle yourself, use your head and to handle others, use your heart.  Anger is only one letter short of danger.  If someone betrays you once, it is his fault, if he betrays you twice, it's your fault.  Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.  He who loses money, loses much but he who loses a friend loses much more, he who loses faith, loses all.  Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, beautiful old people are works of art.  Learn from the mistakes of others, you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.  Friends you and me...you brought another friend...and then there were 3... we started a group, a circle of friends and that circle has no beginning or end.  Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that is why they call it the present"  What I wouldn't give to have another today with Kami.  I love you Kami!

Kami, Lizzie and Mel at her Utah Open House

Grieving 101

I remember getting the call and a co-worker walking me down to my car.  She offered to drive me but I just wanted to be alone.  I got in my car and started to drive home and just sobbed.  I called a couple of friends and family members to  to let them know and I headed home.  I pulled up the same time as my husband and we just fell into each other's arms and cried.  My mom was over in Colorado visiting us and was in the house and had no idea yet.  We had both been through this 18 years ago when my little brother took his life at the age of 27.  We walked in and told her and we all just cried together.   I didn't feel like it is real.  I felt  like someone was going to come and tell me  that it was a mistake.  She really wasn't gone.  I  just wanted to go to sleep and wake up and it would  all be a dream.   The word started to spread  and people started to come over to the house. 
With any death there is a deep sadness, but with a suicide there are so many more emotions that come along with it. The anger and guilt are overwhelming.   People would just hug you and say "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say", then they would ask what you needed.  What I needed was for my daughter to be alive.  No one could give me that.  Other than that, I  didn't have a clue what I needed.  I wasn't sure if I  wanted to be left alone or if I wanted to be with people.  I have never cried so hard in my life.  I spent so much time on my knees that day just praying to understand and to be able to know that she was ok.  One of my sons was angry as well as heartbroken.    The other one was just trying to be supportive and explain it to his little ones in the best way possible.  My husband was trying to get me through it as well as grieving himself.  He was trying to be strong and feeling the guilt that comes along with a suicide.  I was in survival mode and just putting one foot in front of the other.  A couple of things that I learned during this grieving process.  One is that someone brought over several different deli meats, cheeses, rolls, potato chips, etc.  She said that someone had brought these things to her once and what a blessing it had been.  You can make sandwiches any time, you don't have to prepare a meal, just make sandwiches, day or night.  This definitely is "food for thought" pun intended.    The Saturday after Kami's memorial service, I fell apart.  I had the grandbabies sleep over the night before and then they left Saturday morning.  I had hurt my sciatic nerve about 4 days before Kami died and my back was killing me.  My house needed to be cleaned from all of the company we had staying with us the week before.  I was still in my pajamas at 12:30 in the afternoon.  A friend stopped by and brought me a little gift and checked on me and just sat and talked to me and cried with me.  After she left, I struggled to finish cleaning the house.  What I learned during this process is, if someone would have come and said "can I vacuum your house, mop your floors, clean your bathrooms", I would have said yes.  I never would be the person that would say yes... That day I would have said yes.  I guess I learned that instead of asking "what can I do" sometimes it is good to "just do".  Once the family was gone and I was supposed to  get back to my every day life, I didn't want to face it.  Some days it hurts to breathe.  The pain of child birth is nothing compared to the pain of losing my child.    I keep thinking of the many things that Kami will miss out on. Her little nieces and nephews that she left behind  will not get the chance to know their Aunt Kami.  Some days I can go for 5 or 10 minutes without thinking about her.  She is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I try and sleep.  I lay awake and think about her.  When it first happened, I didn't want to be in a dark room at night.  I needed a light on somewhere.  I don't know why, I kept thinking about Kami's last moments alone and the darkness overwhelmed me.  I get out of bed each morning and go to work and go through the day as if I'm ok. I'm really not ok.  Some days I'm closer to ok but some days the tears are right there and flow freely.  What I have learned is that there is no manual on grieving just like there is no manual on parenting.  Everyone grieves in their own way and there is no right or wrong way.  I used to have a license plate frame that said "Get in, sit down, shut up, and hold on".  That is what I am doing right now, I am holding on. Hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. 

I wish I would have known....

I have never blogged before, never really thought I had anything to share but I have something I would like to share now.  My daughter Kami was born on May 27, 1992.  She had two older brothers, one was 3 and her oldest brother was 7.  She came into the world much quicker than either of them had and was in a hurry from the start.  I was so excited to finally be able to go on the Barbie aisle at Toys R Us.  We had spent a lot of time in the boys toys up to that point.  Kami was definitely a girly girl when she was little.  She would only wear dresses once she could choose and even wore "skorts" when she first started soccer.  She would get in my makeup and could apply lipstick perfectly by the age of two.  She was much loved and full of life.  She had white blond hair and wanted it long.  When she was first born, her brother Ryan came to the hospital.  He was 3 years old.  He looked into the bassinet (not sure what they call those things in the hospital) and he said.."can I pet her"?  She was a keeper.  She was full of spunk from the beginning and one of my cousins nick named her Kamikaze.  When she came into a room, you knew she was there.  She was busy from the time she woke up until the time she went to bed.  She did all of the typical little girl things, she played soccer, softball, took dance, loved to pretend, played barbies, loved to color, etc.  She was a smart girl and always wanted to be the boss.  She tended to make friends with quieter kids because she liked to be in charge.  She had a "normal" child hood (at least it was normal to us).  We lived in Utah until she was in first grade and then we moved to Colorado.  It was a tough move because all of our family was in Utah and we knew no one in Colorado.  My husband's business took us to Colorado.  Kami was social and made friends no matter where she was.  She did well in school and was active in our church.  She loved to go to girl's camp in our church each summer for a week and even attended one week with her aunt's congregation after attending a week in Colorado.  At about the age of 14, she became the typical teenager and started to rebel a little.  She got moody and a little hard to be around.  She was very involved in soccer and was a great player.  She had a lot of potential and was so much fun to watch.  She made some great lifelong friends through the game. I remember thinking that "I don't think my kids will get involved with drugs because they are athletes".  Well, I should have known better than think that!  When she was 16 or 17 we started to notice a big change in her.  She started to hang out with different friends and her grades started to fall and her mood swings were terrible.  She started to drink alcohol and smoke marijuana.  We had awful fights with her and for a short time at the end of her junior year she went to live in Utah and attended 2 1/2 months in a high school there.  We were trying to get her away from the influences.  She was very good at getting what she wanted and adjusting to the situation and telling you what you wanted to hear.  She came back, after promises that it would be different and got back in with the same friends.  At this point, she wanted nothing to do with attending church with our family and got into trouble with the law a few times.  She was still in a hurry to grow up as she had been all of her life.  We didn't know if she was going to graduate from high school until two weeks before the deadline.  She had two F's and needed to get them to D's.  My family was wondering whether to buy their tickets to come over to Colorado or not.  I told them to keep on waiting and finally we got the word that she could graduate.  She could have had a scholarship to a community college in Wyoming to play soccer but she chose to go a different path.  She started to work and wanted to get out and live her own life away from our rules.  She made some life choices that were leading her to heartache. 
There is nothing harder as a parent than to watch your child go through situations that you know could have been avoided.  You know exactly how your parents felt at times like these. We tried during these years to get her to go to therapy, to see a doctor about depression etc.  She would never do that.   You start to apologize to your own parents for the things you did.  Kami started dating someone in August, went to Hawaii in December with him and got engaged.  They  went to the courthouse in February and got married and came and told us the next day that they were  married.  He was quite a bit older than her and she felt that we wouldn't accept it.  Like everything else Kami had done, we struggled with her decisions but we gave her unconditional love and did our best to include him in our family.  We had an open house in May of this year over in Utah so the family could meet her husband.   They were struggling, but she kept it hidden from us.  In August, I was over in Utah after a visit home and looked at my phone and had a message from her that said... my husband wants a divorce...  I called her and told her I was on my way home and that I was getting there as fast as I could and to please go to our house.  The next day on August 12, 2014, we began the worst journey a parent can ever go on.  Kami overdosed on some medication that she had stolen from her husband.  Luckily we found out and took her to the emergency room.  We spent the day in the ER and then she was put on an automatic 72 hour hold in a mental health facility.  She was angry and mad at us and kept blaming everyone else for her situation.  We kept reminding her that it was her that put herself there, and she could take advantage of the situation and get better.  On Friday of that week, she called me in the early morning and told me she was really nauseated.  I told her to ask for some medication and she did.  The next call I got was from my husband telling me he had gotten a call from the facility and that she had a seizure.  Kami had never had seizures but it was caused by the drugs leaving her system.   Luckily a big burly male nurse was standing by and saw it happen.  He tried to catch her as she went down.  She cut her nose open and was headed over to a hospital emergency room.  I got there and walked in and she gave me a big hug.  I was so happy to see her and the fact that she was smiling was a good sign.  They did a CT scan and checked her out and everything looked normal.   She didn't need stitches, they cleaned her up.  Her husband came over to the hospital and she went back to the facility from there.  They kept her for another 2 days and then she went home with her husband on Monday the 18th and by Tuesday she was back with us.  She went back and forth that week and that Thursday on the 22nd, she took off in the middle of the night and went back to her home.  During the time she was with her husband she spent a few nights away from him at a hotel.  I texted her a couple of times and told her that I loved her and on Thursday the 28th about 1 p.m. I got a text from her that she loved me too.  I knew in my heart that something was wrong.  I called my husband and we tried to decide what to do.  We found out late that night which hotel she was in and I made my husband promise that he would call and check on her in the morning.  I wish I would have known that that last time she was at our home, is the last time I would be able to hug her and tell her I loved her in person.  If I would have known, I would have held on so much tighter and memorized everything about her.  She was 5 foot 9 and by this time she weighed maybe 100 to 110 lbs.  She had long beautiful blond hair and had grown into a beautiful young woman.  She wasn't eating much and had lost so much weight.  If I would have known that I wouldn't see my daughter alive again, I would have ..... asked her to please hang on and come back home.  That morning on August 29th, my husband called the hotel and asked them to check on her.  When they came back to the phone, they wouldn't give him an answer and he knew something was wrong.  He jumped in the car and drove there.  When he pulled up, there was her husband along with the police and fire engine and ambulance.  Our baby girl had taken her life sometime during the night or early morning.  I was at work and waiting for a call from him to hear how she was.  The call I got was not the one I wanted.  He told me that she was gone.  My world as I knew was never going to be normal again.  I wish I would have known...