Where did the last 8 years go?

 It has been 2,818 days since we lost Kami to suicide.  It has been so long.  It feels  much longer than 8 years.  Sometimes if feel like forever.     I went to the AFSP Out of the Darkness walk in St. George this past weekend instead of doing the large one that I have been in charge of here in Denver for the past  3 years.  It was so nice to show up just before it started and do the walk in the pouring  rain and then leave afterwards and not have to worry about cleaning up, doing the accounting, putting things away in the storage unit.  I walked to remember Kami and bring awareness to the cause.  I talk about the walks every chance I get.  I am always willing to talk about suicide prevention.      

There was a family at the walk that had just lost their son in July of this year. It is  heartbreaking to talk to someone who has those fresh wounds.   They are still in the stage of unbearable grief, your heart is physically hurting and your eyes are constantly swollen from the hours and hours crying.   I remember those days well.  I was talking to one of the family members and she asked me what she could do to help her brother who was the father of the boy that had died.  I said, "just say Thatcher's name often", "make sure to talk about him".  

That is the one thing that I know for sure is that everyone else will go back to their homes and go on with their lives.  For you the parent, you will never go back to your regular life before the day you lost your child.   For the parents, it never is out of your mind.  Everyone else has gone on with their lives the past 8 years.  But for Bud and I, we  have been stuck in a time warp of having that memory fresh in our minds.  We are not the same people we were before August 29th, 2014.  We are changed people, definitely  not for the better, but  definitely changed.  It was so hard to see the parents of this young man because I do know exactly what they are going through.  So many times after the death of someone you hear people say, I can only imagine what you are going through.  I don't need to imagine, I can feel, taste, smell, relate, empathize, cry, understand every agonizing moment of what they are going through.  

With the time that has passed, I am not any less hurt or sad about losing Kami, It is still a wound, maybe not fresh,  but my heart is wounded.  Each year when I participate/or be in charge of one of these events, I do it because I want to be there for other families that are going through it and I want to bring the awareness to everyone to talk about it so that maybe one person can avoid losing a family member to suicide.  One thing that was awesome about the walk in St. George is that it rained, we got soaked.  But after the storm was a beautiful rainbow.   

This is a crazy world we are living in right now and no doubt will get crazier.  We need to be there for each other and be more empathetic, more caring, kinder.  It really is simple, just be kinder and smile at someone, that may be the only smile they get all day. Be someone's rainbow.   Please Remember Kami.  Please say her name.

The Empty Nest

 I was watching a show the other day and something tugged at my heart that I wanted to write about here.  The two characters were arguing about something and the daughter said, Mom, you don't need to take care of me anymore.  The mom looked at her and said, "I just want you to be six years old again with your little braids and need me".  It made me think how much of my identity has been as a mom.  When people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said a mom.  I also wanted to be a school teacher for a minute, a secretary for a while ( I loved to type)  and I am sure numerous other things, but I always wanted to be a mom.  

Being a mom is the best thing there is, next to being a grandma.  You have to become one to become the other.  I think back to each of my children being newborns and then toddlers,  then pre teens, and teens, and then adults that you love to spend time with.  Just when you get to like them as an adult, they move out.   You spend the whole time they are little wishing they are bigger so you can do more things,  and then they get bigger and move out.  You want them to all come back home.  

There is nothing better than having all of them come back to visit and sit around the table and just listening to them talk about what is going on in their lives now and talk about times growing up.  It melts my heart.  This life is short and the older I get the more I realize just how short it is and that I don't have a ton of years left on this earth.  I have enjoyed every minute of watching my kids grow up and now watching my grandkids (hopefully I will get some more) and who knows if I will be around for great grandkids but it doesn't get any better than that.  

I want them to still need me....

When you leave this world, you can't take money or things with you, but you can take the memories.  I will take the memories of holding those little hands and watching them grow into big hands.  Still the same hold on my heart, no matter the size.

Moments you miss

 May 3, 2021 was a spectacular day in Moab, Utah.  It is what you dream of for your children.  Ryan married the sweetest girl.  We love our Jess Harper.  The weekend was beautiful and the weather couldn't have cooperated more if we had paid for it.  Not too hot, not too cold.  It was a little windy but didn't last too long.  It was a family moment except there was no Kami.  She would have been so happy for them.  She knew Jess in High School.  She was a year behind and actually hung out with her after meeting her through a mutual friend.    

Jess made some cute signs that honored Kami and her father who passed away last February.  Such a cute, sweet idea.  Like our cute, sweet Jess.  Ryan's friend, Alex, performed the ceremony and did an awesome job.  He mentioned knowing that he was sure both Jess' dad and Kami were there that day.  Ryan said he could feel her there with him and that is the most important part.  

 I wish I could feel her spirit with me.  I feel like other people feel her around but I don't get to feel that.  It has been a while since I have felt her with me.  Maybe she is with me but I am not listening correctly?  I miss her with all of my heart and every fiber of my being.  I think about her so many times throughout each day.  When you carry a child in your belly, they are right next to your heart and you begin to feel that tug at your heart from the very beginning.  When you hold that child for the first time, they have your heart in the palm of their hand.  They hold onto it for the rest of their lives.  Each time you see them hurt, you hurt. When they are happy, you are happy for them.  You feel their pains, their successes, their hurt, their happiness.  You are forever connected. 

Ryan and I danced at his wedding to "The Lime Tree"  by Trevor Hall.  We played that song at Kami's funeral.  She loved Trevor Hall as I have stated in previous posts.  He cried, I cried.  Maybe I felt her with us.  It was a special moment.  I think I may have felt her then.

I think maybe I am waiting for her to appear in a dream or some big miraculous moment. I had a couple of miracles when she first passed away.  Maybe I am just being greedy.   I need to appreciate the small reminders and take some quiet time to feel her spirit.    We continue on with our lives and enjoy the moments but we will always be missing someone at every family function.  I have faith that Kami is with our family.  I really hope that she is enjoying these moments through that thin veil that we cannot see.  I was so glad I could share this special time with my kids and grandkids and my mom and also and the rest of the family that came. (I love all of  the Clegg's).  April made the most adorable wedding cake.  I can't believe how talented she is.  Dan's family was  so helpful and I am so proud of the grandkids and how much they helped.  Family is what it is all about.  I love being a mom and grandma.  I would not trade it for the world.  Grateful for these moments to spend together.  When you leave this earth, all you can take with you are the memories.  Thanks for the memories.