Missing Piece

I am not sure if I have mentioned this before on this blog but one of my favorite authors was Erma Bombeck.  You youngsters reading this wouldn't know who she is but she was a regular mom that made the mundane parts of being a mom into funny circumstances.  She left behind many quotes.  A few of them being "Never have more children than you have car windows", "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died", and probably my favorite, "Guilt, the gift that keeps on giving".  She was a funny lady.   

One of my very favorite articles she wrote is about mother's of special needs children.  Because I had a Grandma that I hold in the highest regard, that was blessed to be the mom of my Aunt Janilee.  Erma  stated that if you went into a room full of mothers, you would be able to pick out these "special moms".  I agree.  My Grandma Rowley was a special lady.  

The Special Mother by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit. 
This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen? Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger. 

"Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity." 

"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia." 

"Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew." 

Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child." 

The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy." 

"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel." 

"But has she patience?" asks the angel. 

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it." 

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make him live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." 

God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect -she has just enough selfishness." 

The angel gasps - "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?" 

God nods, "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. 
She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a "spoken word". 
She will never consider a "step" ordinary. 
When her child says "Mummy" for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and will know it!" 

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice....and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My Work as surely as if she is here by my side". 

"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air. God smiles, "A mirror will suffice.

I also believe that if you had a room full of mom's that had lost a child in with those that have not, you would be able to pick us out.  We are the one's that seem to be functioning on a daily basis but we are missing a piece of our heart.  We have a constant ache in our hearts.   Those of us who have lost a child to suicide are the one's that have an extra layer of guilt because we couldn't "save" our child.  I compare my life to this now: recently I was putting together a puzzle with my grand kids, and we got down to the last piece, we could not find it.   We looked everywhere, under the couch, in the cushions, in the box, we were distraught.  We were so close to being done.  It just didn't look right without that piece.  Finally after several minutes of searching, we found it underneath something.  We completed the puzzle and all was great.  Mother's who have lost a child, can't have that complete puzzle.  We are always searching for reminders of our child.  We want to remember their voice, the sparkle in their eye, the smile that we loved to see.  That piece of our child and our lives will forever be missing until we pass from this life and can see them again.  For now though, my puzzle is missing a piece.  

Another Out of the Darkness Walk Done

September 23, 2017 was the annual Out of the Darkness community walk at Coors Field.  I am not sure why, but driving to the event this year, I started to cry.  I was so emotional.  Wishing that Kami was sitting by me and we were going to support others.  I really didn't want to have to go there for the reason I was going.  I was emotional the whole time.  Seeing my son walk in, I gave him a big hug and told him how I was feeling.  When I saw Kami's best friend. I hugged her and cried also.  Going by the memory area, which is always a tough area anyway, I cried again.  I kept praying that I would feel Kami's spirit with me that day.  I never did.  My aunt said that pictures kept popping up on her computer of Kami that day,  and she sent a couple over to me.  I guess I had to feel her spirit through others that day.  A lady I served on the committee with me had a butterfly land on her and it stayed with her the whole walk.  There was a hawk that kept circling around the jumbotron before the walk began also.  Everyone wants to see a sign of their loved one at these walks.  Everyone wants to feel some peace.  They want to know that there loved one is safe and at peace.
The walk brings up all sorts of emotions but mostly it is there so you don't feel alone.  You are there to remember your loved ones.  You are encouraged to earn money for AFSP and it goes to a good cause but the walk is really for support.  You lending your support to others and receiving that support back.  Everyone has a story.  They are all heart wrenching.  The need is there and I am glad that I can be a part of that support.  Be the Voice.  Help stop suicide.

"Without the dark, we'd never see the stars"

Kami has been on my mind non stop today.  I was reading through Kami's book of quotes this morning and read one that I have read several times but wanted to share it  "If death just meant leaving the stage long enough to change costumes and come back as a new character, would you slow down or speed up?  She left the stage much too soon.  A few more quotes from her book I wanted to share are: 
"Quit now, you'll never make it.  Disregard this advice and you'll be halfway there." ,
 "I am strong because I am weak, I am beautiful because I know my flaws, I am lover because I am a fighter, I am fearless because I have been afraid, I am wise, because I have been foolish and I can laugh because I've known sadness" 

 I think this book of quotes was Kami's way of expressing the pain and hopelessness that she felt at times. She also had quotes that expressed the good times.    Not all of the quotes were sad.  " The greatest barrier to success, is the fear of failure",  "Limitations are only in our minds, but if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless".  "The great thing about getting older is you don't lose all of the ages that you have been before then".  "I can resist anything but temptation".  

 Another quote that stood out to me especially today is: "A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic"  Kami's death was a tragedy.  Her death is also a statistic because of the way she died.  To me personally though, it is the tragedy that stands out and not the statistic.  

There is a song that comes on the radio by Passenger called "Let Her Go" and when it comes on,   my eyes fill up and sometimes flow over.

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know...

I knew that I loved her before I had to let her go but this song really touches my heart.  Love those around you a little more today, hug them a little tighter today, enjoy the bright sunshine on your face.  Tell them you love them.  
The final quote today is:
"Every man is guilty of the good he did not do"

Do some good!

1,069 Days

It has been 1,069  days since we lost Kami.  Almost 3 years.  Time has both flown by in some ways,   and dragged on in other ways since then.  I dread these anniversaries.  I have decided that I don't want to remember the 29th of August as the last day that Kami was alive on this earth.  I just want to remember May 27, 1992, the day she joined our family.  The being born part was such a joyous occasion and the leaving part was so sad.  I just want to remember Kami here.  It is still so hard to think of her being gone. 

 I think I have said before in blogs that I have not had many dreams about Kami since she died. When I do have them, I remember them with clarity.  I pray for these dreams all of the time and when I have them, I am so grateful.  A week or so ago, I had a dream about Kami and she looked so pretty and happy in the dream.  The funny part is that she was asking if I could help her make her car payment.  It was such a realistic dream because we bailed her out a time or two.  Normally we would make her pay her own way, but we did help her out with payments every once in a while.  In this dream, she was blond (if you knew Kami, she changed her hair color often).  She had curled her hair and it was so pretty.  She was very happy.  She was smiling and laughing and I was smiling and laughing with her.  She was realizing that she needed to get her **** together and make and keep her money so that she would have a car to drive.  It wasn't a long dream and I honestly don't remember any other parts of it than this.  I woke up the next morning smiling because I saw Kami.  I got to see her face, even if it was in a dream, I got to spend some time with my baby girl. If only in a dream.

 I have really been struggling lately seeing other mom's with their daughters.  I realize that I will never have that adult relationship with a daughter that grows up to get married and have children.  I won't get that phone call asking me what to do when her baby has a fever, ate something weird in the back yard, has a rash...I can't say that I would have had the answers but I sure would have liked to have that chance to try and answer those questions.  I hope August 29, 2017 passes without notice this year.  How I wish it didn't have any significance, and was just another day of the year.  In the mean time, I will just keep praying for those dreams.  If someone else dreams about Kami, please share that with me.  Every little dream helps.

Happy 25th Birthday

Today is one of those bittersweet days.  Kami would be 25 today.  Never in my wildest dreams did I believe that I would outlive my baby.  We were so excited to have a girl after two rambunctious boys. I was so excited to dress her up, do her hair, play dolls, buy pink things and love her.
I was getting ready to go to a youth group activity at church on the 26th of May and I started to feel pains, I stayed home and by 10 p.m. we headed to the hospital.  By the time we got checked in it was about midnight.  My boys had taken 12 and 28 hours to come,  so I told Bud to go home and check on the boys and the neighbor boy we had staying with them.  He went home and fell asleep and about 4 I had to call him and tell him to get back to the hospital cause she was in a hurry to join us.  He walked in just in time.  A little after 5 a.m. on the 27th of May she came into our little family.  👶
The boys were so excited when they came to visit her at the hospital.  Ryan asked if he could "pet" her.  (Little did he know she was going to be a lot more of  pain to him and his brother than a pet).

Dan was such a big help.  He was 8 years old so he could get bottles, diapers, keep an eye on her if I had to leave the room.  Ryan just liked to hold her and play with her and make her smile.  Just like Kami being in a hurry to get here, she was in a hurry to grow up.  She always wanted to keep up with her brothers.  She took dance, tried t-ball, softball, mountain bike racing, and soccer.  She excelled at soccer.  She was so much fun to watch. 💋

She had a strong spirit.  She loved the mountains, her dogs, all animals, her family, music, Trevor Hall among other artists,  her niece's and nephew, her friends and her vices.  Kami was a leader.  She tended to gravitate towards quiet girls.  She could be bossy and seemed to fit best with quiet ones.  She had some amazing friends growing up.  Girls that have become women now and I still smile when I hear from one of them or see them.  I have talked about her quote book that she left behind and the quotes that she used to write on the white board in her room before.  

One of the quotes she had was: "You know that children are growing up when they start to ask questions that have answers".   I wish I would have had the answers for Kami.  I wish I could have made her happy and want to stay.  She also had the quote "I can resist anything but temptation".  That was very true of Kami and was what led her to make that final decision.  

I have found that as the time has passed since Kami died, I am a changed person.  I struggle some days getting through them.  It doesn't get easier with time, it just becomes your normal.  I see mom's and daughters together and my heart hurts.  I miss her.  I miss little Kami's.  I miss the chance of seeing her have  a "daughter just like her".  There is a quote that she had in her book that sums up how I feel each day.  

"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal".

This is my normal now.  Happy Birthday Kami Ann Harper.  I love and miss you with all my heart.💔

Relief

I'm not sure that relief is the correct term but I will use it for this post.  Today Jeff Rodocker was sentenced to 60 years to life in prison for his latest crimes.  It was with mixed emotions that I went to the sentencing.  Nothing will bring Kami back.  However, the fact that he will be locked up and unable to prey on young women and hurt them is huge.
I met one of the victims today also.  She looks so young and so relieved.  She is alive.  That is the important thing.  He didn't take her down to the total depth that she could have hit.  I am incredibly grateful to the prosecutors that tried this case and to the one's that represented Kami.  They were all there for his sentencing.
A few of the jurors that had found Jeff guilty came to the sentencing also and I was able to shake their hands and tell them thank you from the bottom of my heart. They were also full of emotion from sitting on the jury and hearing about the awful things Jeff did.  They have my deepest respect.
Jeff did incredible things to these two women.  I know there are countless others and I don't like to think about what he must have done and did to  Kami.  She was in her own little hell.
When he walked in, he was wearing the gray prison jumpsuit and sandals.  He had chains on his ankles and wrists.  I moved over and sat behind someone so I didn't have to look at him.  He did not get up and speak or take responsibility at any point during the trial or today.  I wish at some point he would have said he was was sorry or admitted guilt but that is too much to ask I guess.
 It is so hard for me to fathom that there is pure evil out there and my daughter unfortunately came in contact with it.  I am thankful for a justice system that worked.  You seem to hear about the negative things with justice but this had a very positive outcome.
Kami would have been 25 coming up on the 27th of May.  25 years ago I got to hold that blond haired blue eyed baby girl in my arms and thanked my heavenly father for her.  I am grateful that the lord had enough faith in me to be her mom.  I may not have been the best mom to Kami but I tried my hardest and would have given my life for hers.
I love you Kami Ann Harper.
http://kdvr.com/2017/05/15/drug-dealer-convicted-of-kidnapping-and-sexually-assault-sentenced-to-60-years/

What I have learned

I have learned several things since Kami died by suicide, but recently there have been a couple of thing's that I wanted to share.
First, everyone grieves differently and at their own pace.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  Some people lay in bed and try to figure out how they are going to get up the next day without their loved one there.  Some people move get back to their regularly scheduled life because they are afraid that if they don't, they will join their loved one.  Some people don't like to talk about it.  Some people talk about it constantly.  Some people become alone and don't want to deal with anyone.  Some people become lonely because they don't want to deal with anyone.  The fact is, there is no right or wrong way.  Everyone goes at their own pace and in their own way.  What works for some, doesn't work for others.  The only thing that everyone has in common is that they lost a loved one to suicide.  I know that everyone that is touched by it that I have met, has said they wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.  It is a deep, gut wrenching, lonely pain.  It will hit you when you least expect it.  On the other hand, there are happy memories that hit you when you least expect it.  I notice that when I am outside on a nice sunny day, with a little breeze blowing, I think of how much Kami loved to be outside.  She loved the mountains.  She loved to swing. Even  as an adult she would swing.   I will walk down to the school playground with the grandkids and push them on the swing (thank goodness two of them are big enough to pump the swings themselves now!)  Almost every time, my Lizzie will say "Aunt Kami loved to swing didn't she Grandma Lori".  It always makes me smile.  They were so young when Kami died that they really don't remember much about her.  My grandson was only 1 when she died and doesn't remember her at all.  It's the memories that keep you going, keep you smiling.  Those precious pieces of Kami that I don't want them to forget, that I don't want to forget.
I recently told someone that I think about Kami every single day, several times a day and she is always the last thing I think about at night.  I pray that I can see her in a dream, just feel her spirit and see her smile.
The other thing that I have learned is that the trauma of losing child to suicide is that your mind is affected.  I recently talked to a mom that lost her son last year on Father's day.  I was telling her that not only was I getting old and forgetful but that I feel like I forget more since Kami died.  This could be a self protection mechanism.  Some things you don't want to remember so you just forget everything.  Your mind is a beautiful thing, memories are a beautiful thing.  Sometimes you want to remember and other times you just wish you could forget.  I used to say that with each pregnancy I lost brain cells and I have heard other mom's say the same.  I will say that of all the thing's I've lost, I miss my mind and Kami the most!

My Birthday

This will be very short.  I wish my baby girl was here for my birthday.  I miss her.

Justice X 2

I have put a couple of cryptic posts on instagram today and wanted to explain in a little more detail. I want to send a shout out to Donna, Loree, and Susan for their support this past week and their love that they have shown me and our Kami. They sat through awful testimonies in a court room only about 8 feet away from Jeff.    I have written previously about Kami's husband and what he did to her before she took her life.  I truly believe in my heart that if Kami had not met Jeff she would still be here.  Kami passed away on August 28, 2014.  In October of that same year, Jeff raped an 18 year old girl.  A little over a year later, he beat up and raped another young woman.  He was a drug dealer, manipulator,  con artist and a very dangerous man.  He preyed on young girls and found their weak spots and then zeroed in on those weak spots.  Luckily these two young women were not afraid to come forward and testify against him.  During this testimony several thing's came out.  The fact that he preyed on young women more than 20 years younger than him was a common thread.  Kami was 20 and he was 40 when they got married.  These girls, both admitted drug users, talked about how they knew Jeff as their drug dealer.  They both talked about how he promised them things and then through jealous rages, changed into a violent person.  He would slowly make them more and more dependent on him and then when they felt like they had nowhere else to turn, he would circle around his prey like a python and squeeze until they couldn't breathe.  He made them feel inferior, stupid, worthless among many other things.  He kept accusing them (as he did Kami) that they were cheating on him.  He would fly into jealous rages.  Kami didn't cheat on Jeff, Kami was loyal until the end.  He kept such tight reins on her.  He always knew where she was and what she was doing and who she was with.  Even then, he would still accuse her of things.  I have been wondering why he chose to marry Kami and not just use and abuse her.  Kami was very loving and despite what he did to her, she loved him.

During one of his victims testimonies this week she stated that he told her that "he wouldn't kill her, he would hurt other people in her family and she would kill herself".  I didn't actually sit through the testimonies and my sweet friends only told me what I asked, they knew that I didn't need to hear the awful things that had been said during the week.  They said to me over and over that they understood what drove Kami to her decision.  Not that we accept this decision she made, but that they could see what she had been through with Jeff to lead her to that choice.  She felt she was out of options.

Kami loved her family fiercely no matter how she treated us, I knew she loved us.  If we were threatened in any way, Kami would protect us.  She wouldn't want to see us hurt and most of all she didn't want to disappoint us. Jeff had eaten away at Kami's self esteem as well as her physical body.  When she died she was only about 100 pounds and at 5 foot 9 that is skinny.  Kami was a shell of herself both mentally and physically.

I went to court for the final closing arguments and was so impressed with the district attorney's.  They were every bit as good as the two that tried Kami's case a few months ago.  Very passionate and concerned for the victims.  There were 10 counts against Jeff for everything from sexual assault, kidnapping, felony menace, weapons, drug possession, intent to distribute, etc.  This is a man that we had Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas with because we wanted  Kami to be part of our family and didn't want her to be driven even further away.  Do I wish Kami hadn't made the choices in her life that started her on the path of drugs and alcohol, absolutely.  Could I take that free agency away from Kami, absolutely not.  As much as I tried, she tried harder.

Listening to the closing arguments yesterday I learned so many things that I wish I had never heard but on the other hand, it answered several unanswered questions to Kami's death.  There are truly evil people in this world and you never in your wildest dreams imagine that they will come into your lives.  These women that tried this case were amazing.  They had done their homework and were going to make sure that no one else was hurt.   Walking into that courtroom and seeing Jeff was so hard.  I went because I wanted him to see that he didn't have that kind of power over me and that I am not afraid of him.  I wanted to meet the people that were protecting these girls and I wanted to tell them thank you.  I was able to meet them tell them thank you and give each of them a hug.  It was an emotional meeting to say the least.

My sweet little Mormon friends have heard things that they will never un-hear  They  provided a service to me that I can not repay. When I mentioned that Jeff's case was coming up, they didn't hesitate to go sit in that court room day in and day out for the entire week.  After just being there for one day yesterday, I couldn't sleep last night.  I thought about it all night long.  I love my friends.

The case went to the jury about 3:30 yesterday so they adjourned for the night and went back today. These 12 men and women had given up 7 days of their lives to listen to the terrible things that Jeff had done.  I'm sure they were not able to sleep either.  They went back into deliberations again this morning and my stomach was in knots.  Waiting for that text to let us know that they had come to a decision.  None of my posse was there today.  Because of the uncertainty of when it would happen, I didn't want them to waste another day.  I will say that Loree was driving like a bat out of heck to get there but didn't make it in time.    I received the text that he was found GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES😁😍😁.  I stood up and told my co-workers the news and everyone was happy.  They have seen the hell I have been going through.  The kind of hell no parent should go through.     I called Bud and then I went in a room and cried.  The release of emotion was so overwhelming.

About an hour later I got a call  from the District Attorneys that had tried the case.  You could hear the joy in their voices and the heartfelt concern for these two women and for my daughter, even though they never knew her.

Jeff will be sentenced in May.  He will more than likely spend the rest of his life in prison.  He has given many people that he has come in contact with a life sentence so it is only fair.