1,069 Days

It has been 1,069  days since we lost Kami.  Almost 3 years.  Time has both flown by in some ways,   and dragged on in other ways since then.  I dread these anniversaries.  I have decided that I don't want to remember the 29th of August as the last day that Kami was alive on this earth.  I just want to remember May 27, 1992, the day she joined our family.  The being born part was such a joyous occasion and the leaving part was so sad.  I just want to remember Kami here.  It is still so hard to think of her being gone. 

 I think I have said before in blogs that I have not had many dreams about Kami since she died. When I do have them, I remember them with clarity.  I pray for these dreams all of the time and when I have them, I am so grateful.  A week or so ago, I had a dream about Kami and she looked so pretty and happy in the dream.  The funny part is that she was asking if I could help her make her car payment.  It was such a realistic dream because we bailed her out a time or two.  Normally we would make her pay her own way, but we did help her out with payments every once in a while.  In this dream, she was blond (if you knew Kami, she changed her hair color often).  She had curled her hair and it was so pretty.  She was very happy.  She was smiling and laughing and I was smiling and laughing with her.  She was realizing that she needed to get her **** together and make and keep her money so that she would have a car to drive.  It wasn't a long dream and I honestly don't remember any other parts of it than this.  I woke up the next morning smiling because I saw Kami.  I got to see her face, even if it was in a dream, I got to spend some time with my baby girl. If only in a dream.

 I have really been struggling lately seeing other mom's with their daughters.  I realize that I will never have that adult relationship with a daughter that grows up to get married and have children.  I won't get that phone call asking me what to do when her baby has a fever, ate something weird in the back yard, has a rash...I can't say that I would have had the answers but I sure would have liked to have that chance to try and answer those questions.  I hope August 29, 2017 passes without notice this year.  How I wish it didn't have any significance, and was just another day of the year.  In the mean time, I will just keep praying for those dreams.  If someone else dreams about Kami, please share that with me.  Every little dream helps.