Soccer is Life!

If you know our family, the title says it all.  We have spent so many hours on ball fields over the years.  I used to have a sign in my house that said, It's 6:00 pm, do you know what  field your parents  are on? When Kami was four years old, she played her first game of soccer.  At that time in her life,  she would only wear dresses, so I got her to at least wear "skorts".  She had a young, cute high school boy as her coach.  I don't think she touched the ball much that season because no matter where the coach was, she was right next to him.  I'm sure she wanted to marry him.  She was a young bloomer.  Once she got the hang of the game and got over the coach, she became a very talented athlete.  She grew to love the game. 


She had to spend a lot of time at baseball diamonds, soccer fields, football fields etc. as her brothers grew up, and she always wanted to be as good as they were at whatever she tried.  She always was.  She became  a defensive player once she settled into the game.  The defense is usually not the coveted position in soccer  because you don't get to score the goals.   Your main focus is keeping the ball out of the opposing team's goal.  She played sweeper for much of her high school career which is the last player before the goalie.  During her senior year she was the captain on her club team and the goalie quit or got hurt and she stepped in and played because no one else would do it.  She did what had to be done.



I went to watch a soccer game last Saturday.  It was a beautiful 70 plus degree day.  It was a group of 15 year old girls that my son coaches.  As I watched the game, I got  thinking about how much soccer has been a part of the Harper family.  One thing that really impressed me was that every coach that Kami played for in competitive soccer and High School was at her funeral.  They each had an influence in her life, some positive, some negative. Depending on how Kami looked at it at the time.  Soccer is a team sport.  If you played on Kami's soccer team, she had your back.  She was the first one to run up and intimidate the opposite team and protect her teammates if someone needed it. She was very competitive and no matter what she was playing, she liked to win.   She could trash talk with the best of them.  I think that is why she liked playing sweeper because she could sit back there and have "conversations" with the forwards of the opposite team and get in their heads.  I was sitting there thinking about Kami during this soccer game last week and thinking how life is so much like a soccer game.  Life is a team sport.  There were many "teammates" that influenced Kami and helped her try and make her goals.  She made some wonderful friends through soccer, awesome, fun girls.  She had the support of many of the  parents of those girls also.   I am grateful to those parents for their support of Kami. 


Sometimes in the game of soccer, you get yellow cards for some infraction and if it was bad enough you get a red card and have to sit out a game.  I don't think Kami ever had a red card but she had her share of yellow cards.  Yellow cards are a warning, you have to leave the game but you can come back in and keep playing.  Three yellows are the equivalent of a red card where you have to sit out an entire game.  The coach is there for the girls to teach them and keep them under control just like parents are there for their kids to teach them and keep them under control.  As a parent there is such a good feeling when your child scores a goal or their team scores a goal.  We all love to win.  Let's be truthful, Second place is the first loser!    It is such a good feeling to watch your child succeed.  On the other hand, it is kind of a bummer to see your child get a yellow card.  Kami had a lot of "yellow" cards in her life during the teen years, so many "warnings" for choices she was making.  She had many coaches trying to get her back in the game but she couldn't see the goal anymore, she was content with sitting on the bench.  No matter how many teachers, friends, family members, coaches, etc were there for her, she just didn't see how much potential she had.   

During the weeks right after Kami's death, we received such amazing support from the soccer community.  We are so grateful for it.  The hugs, the meals, the gift cards, the treats, they were all so appreciated and those of you that brought these things to us, will never know how much you helped.  Bud is possessed with soccer and I think having soccer to keep him busy was a great coping mechanism for him to get through these past few weeks.  He loves the players he coaches and if he can have a positive influence on a player and keep them in the game, he is  happy to do that. Bud has received some amazing thank you's from players over the years and I have seen tears in his eyes as he has read them. We hope that each young person can see their potential.  Don't ever let life get you that far down.    I would hate to see anyone go through this experience. 

I feel like we have been on a losing streak the last few weeks but like every team, it will turn around and get better.  We have such a good crowd cheering us on.  We have a loving heavenly father "coach" that only wants the best for us.  For the time being, Kami has been traded to another team.  She has been traded to the team of spirits watching over us.  She will continue to progress and I think she knows that our team is struggling since she was traded.  We are looking forward to seeing her again.  We can't wait to play Ligretto with her again.  It is a card game that Dan brought back from his mission in Germany.  We have played some fierce games over the years.  For Bud's birthday last year, Ryan surprised Bud and took him to see a world cup qualifier game of the USA playing Costa Rica at the Rapids field.  They had the time of their lives despite the snow.  I know it will feel like the world cup when I get to see Kami again.  I look forward to it, it doesn't even matter if is snowing!



"And I quote"

I mentioned in a previous post that Kami collected tons of quotes.  I don't remember how old she was when she started collecting them but it was in her early teens.  She had a white board in her room and she was constantly putting new quotes on it.  I have really enjoyed reading through her book of quotes.  She had so many different quotes about so many different areas of her life.  I noticed as I read through the quotes, there are a lot of quotes about falling in love, finding peace in life, friendship, equality, and unity among other topics.  I would love to share all of them but I have included just a few with the link below.  Bud was given a book by his sister when Kami died, it is called An Angel in the Clouds.  It is about a young man that suffered from OCD and depression for most of his life and finally at the age of 27  took his own life.  What I found interesting is that he liked to collect quotes also.  He kept them on note cards.  It makes me wonder if this is a coping mechanism for people who suffer from depression.  Just a thought. I have no idea but I find it interesting that this young man kept quotes also. 


A few days before Kami died I injured my back.  I am not sure how, but I was moving some furniture and I must have injured it then. Later that night I woke up with shooting pain in my left leg and I have been up pretty much every night since then.  The physical pain wakes me up and then I lay there and think and have a terrible time getting back to sleep.  It has really made me think about the mental pain that Kami had been going through and for how long was it unbearable.  How many nights did she lay awake trying to figure out how to make the pain stop and how to  find some peace.  Where could she feel safe. 


I am going to share a couple of quotes that  stood out for me for one reason or another:


"If I had my life to live over, I would make the same mistakes, only sooner"

“For the first time you can open your eyes, See the world without your sorrow, No one knows the pain you’ve left behind, All the peace you could never find is waiting there."

I had a good friend pass away early this morning. She has been sick for a little while and she was in a lot of pain.   The last time I talked to her, she told me that she would tell Kami that I loved and missed her when she got to the other side.  Then she said, "then I'm going to beat the *&^% out of her!!"  I am so glad that she is there with Kami and I am sure they have seen each other.  I hold on to  the hope that she was able to tell her how much I miss her and love her. 

 

Another thing I found interesting is how much her handwriting changes towards the end.  I know this sounds funny but her writing looks sad and kind of angry.  Anyone that has received a letter from Kami over the years, she always ended it with a quote.  This is what I am going to do with this post. 

(Below is the one I have printed out and have on my monitor at work) 

“You can shed tears that they are gone,Or you can smile

because they have lived. You can close your eyes

and pray they will Come back, or you can open your eyes

and see all they’ve left. Your heart can be empty because you

Can’t see them, or you can be full of The love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you

can be happy For tomorrow because of yesterday. You can

remember them only that they are gone, or you can cherish their

memory and let it live on.  You can cry and close your mind, be

empty and turn your back, or you can do what they would have wanted,

smile, Open your eyes and go on.”

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_hyogoVoN_0bnBKRXJSblZ4ZVk/view?usp=sharing 

　

　

Families are Forever

Today I went to see my oldest granddaughter Lizzie participate in her primary program.  Once a year in our church,  the children ages 3-11 put on our sacrament meeting program.  They learn new songs throughout the year, and then they practice really hard for several weeks leading up to it.  This year the theme was "Families are Forever".  As I looked up at those sweet little wiggly children, I remembered Kami participating in those programs as she grew up.  She attended primary along with the other children.  She had loved to participate in the program each year.  Much more than her brothers ever wanted to.  She was  one of those wiggly children of God.  As I listened to the children sing their songs today about families, it made me grateful that Heavenly Father trusted me enough to send three awesome children into our family.  Three adorable, head strong, loving, talented, athletic, spunky kids that grew into adulthood despite doing a few stupid things along the way.   They could not be more different even though they were raised pretty much the same way and they are definitely individuals with individual personalities.  This just goes to show how important good friends are because there comes a time when you are no longer the one that is spending as much time with them and your opinion just isn't quite as important as their friends.    As a parent, one of the hardest things that you watch. is your child making a wrong choice.  You can talk until you are blue in the face and let them know exactly what the outcome will be because you have lived or watched someone live certain experiences and know the outcomes.  They still have their free agency which is part of Heavenly Father's plan. 

When Kami was young, it was much easier to "control" those choices.  When your child is young, they don't know to "stay out of the street", "don't touch that or you will get burned", "don't talk to strangers" unless you tell them.  That is how they learn.   When she got into her teenage years, her choices changed and she became very rebellious.  My heart ached and I shed many tears during these  years.  I apologized to my own mother over and over for how I had treated her when I was a teenager.  I felt like a failure as a parent many times and still do.  It was so much simpler when she listened and my opinion mattered. I have been told by a few people that God doesn't give you anything you can't handle and he only sends the "hard to handle" kids to those people he knows will love them unconditionally no matter what.  ( I am not by any means saying that I am a better, stronger parent than anyone else)  I don't know what squirrel was running by and distracted me in the life before, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't listening when they said, "It's gonna be a bumpy ride, you better hang on and there is no getting off once the ride has started."    Had I been listening I would have jumped off the ride and said no I want an easier ride.  I want the merry go round, not the roller coaster. 




I am grateful to be a mom, I am grateful to be a grandma. I am humbled that the Lord thought that I could handle the tougher ride but I am very tired and want the ride to slow down.  I want Heavenly Father to wrap his arms around me and tell me that it will be ok. 

As the primary children sang today:


I have a family here on earth, they are so good to me.
I want to share my life with them through all eternity.
Families can be together forever, through Heavenly Father's plan,
I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can,
The Lord has shown me how I can. 




I am hanging onto this hope with every fiber of my being.  I know I will see Kami again.  I hope she will be the happy Kami that we knew and not the anguished Kami that we struggled with.  Either way, it will be a blessing to see her again.    Kami, thank you for letting me be your mom and like it or not, Families are Forever!

The sound of music

We just returned from a long weekend trip to St George, Utah.  We had been planning this trip since May when we were over in Utah for Kami's open house, We met my aunt and uncle down there and trying to find a weekend when we could all four be there was tough.  We looked at the calendar and found a weekend when my husband didn't have soccer and this was it.  Little did we know at that time, that we would need this weekend  more than we both knew.  It was so nice to get away from the reality of home/jobs, and everything we have been through since August.   We took Kami's cd from her memorial service with us and listened to it on a beautiful section of highway between Green River and Salina, Utah.  It was the kind of country that Kami loved.  We were able to really listen to the remarks and the music. I thoroughly enjoyed  the scenery as we drove and really appreciated it more than I would have otherwise.   We also took the cd of music that our son had put together with Kami's favorite tunes on it that we played at her memorial service while pictures of her life were in a slideshow.  There was a lot of music on this cd that talked about peace and everyone getting along.  It also had the  classic "stairway to heaven" on it.  Kami and I always talked about how each of us wanted that played at our funerals.  When Kami was in her junior year of high school, her grades started to slip, she became more defiant,  and   started hanging with the friends that she was smoking marijuana with.   She used to like a particular artist and would go to his concerts all of the time.    She used to play it for me and I always associated his music with the drug use.   She has loved him for the past 5 years at least.  We played his music as the opening and closing songs at Kami's service.  Right after the memorial service, I would listen to this music and just cry.  Now I listen to it and I smile.  I have gone to this artist's website and learned about him.  He is very much about peace and love and co-existing in society.  Kami had many quotes about this same thing in her quote book.  Right after her service, I e-mailed Trevor Hall through his manager, and told him that we had used his music at Kami's service and how much joy he had brought to Kami during her lifetime.  I attached a picture of her and told him that one of the last things that she and her brother did together, was attend his concert at Red Rocks.  I had kind of forgotten that I had written to him.  As we were driving back from St. George, I was checking e-mails and I received an e-mail back from him.  He said that he was very sorry to hear the sad news.  He said that he was glad that Kami felt a connection to his music.  He also said that the music flows through him from some other place.  He isn't quite sure where...but it is a healing place and has done a lot for him.  He said that he hoped that it provided her with some happiness during her time here.  He wished our family lots of love and strength.  That really meant a lot to me. For him to take the time to respond to me, says a lot about his character and what he stands for. I really did appreciate his e-mail.   His music has  become a place of healing for me.   I have been a rock and roll girl my whole life,  and usually I am pretty accepting of most types of  music.  I have learned that I can listen to music and gain a greater understanding of people.  I have also learned that music can bring me peace and happiness.  I am grateful for this "break" I was able to take, and for the chance to really listen.  Sometimes we have to create the quiet in our lives to be able to appreciate something.   Sometimes music will touch our hearts in a certain way because it is what we need at that moment.  I know that I have gained a greater appreciation for the sound of Kami's music. 
www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwUrS4LNjSE.  Take a minute to listen and enjoy! 

Kami's Smile

I know one of the thing's I will miss the most is Kami's smile.  She had a beautiful smile that we paid several thousand dollars for! When she smiled her eyes would light up and she would make other's smile.  At Kami's memorial service, people wrote down on pieces of paper favorite memories about Kami.  So many of them said she was so full of life and energy.  One said "your smile made me smile".  Another said" She always came over exuding fun, joy and friendliness.  She was so willing to love all those around her and made everyone feel happy to be hanging out with her.  We loved her in our home".  Many people commented on her working at Staples.  "I often had to go to staples for office supplies and Kami's smiling face and kind words always made me feel appreciated.  We will all miss her".  One comment said "Kami was comfortable with people of all ages.  It impresses me that her mom made room for her in all aspects of her life and gave her opportunities for so many experiences.  I believe that is why she had friends of all ages.  I considered her a friend.  She had such a great smile". 

Kami and Sam at Winter Park

What is hard for me to accept is how she could still smile on the outside and be so full of hurt and anguish on the inside.  How could we have changed the outcome?  As a parent you should be able to fix everything. Why couldn't we fix this. 

Kami and Ollie puppy.  They had a love/hate relationship. Ollie puppy was scared to death of her!

 Kami had a white board in her room and she was constantly changing the quotes on this board.  It was always fun to come into her room and see what pictures she had on drawn on it especially when her friend Sam had been over.  They were pretty creative together. Some appropriate and some no so appropriate if you know what I mean.   Now that Kami is gone, she has left behind a couple of books that were full of her collected quotes.  I will share more of those in a separate blog but I wanted to share a couple that I found that maybe explains why the smiles were on the outside and the hurt she was feeling on the inside.  One particular page had the following: "What do you do if the only one who can make you stop crying, is the one who made you cry"? "Want my advice?  Stay

mad as long as you can cause once you stop, it hurts like hell" "You change for two reasons; either you learn enough that you want to, or you hurt enough that you have to" "It's a lot easier to say ur mad; than to admit ur hurt".  "I build walls to see who cares enough to break them down" "I finally learned what life is about.. hanging on when your hearts had enough... and giving more when you wanna give up".

Kami and her babies

I wish she would have just hung on a little longer and told us that her heart had had enough.  There are so many different quotes she left behind but one that is perfect to end this post is kind of a long one. "Many people will walk in and out of your life but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.  To handle yourself, use your head and to handle others, use your heart.  Anger is only one letter short of danger.  If someone betrays you once, it is his fault, if he betrays you twice, it's your fault.  Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.  He who loses money, loses much but he who loses a friend loses much more, he who loses faith, loses all.  Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, beautiful old people are works of art.  Learn from the mistakes of others, you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.  Friends you and me...you brought another friend...and then there were 3... we started a group, a circle of friends and that circle has no beginning or end.  Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that is why they call it the present"  What I wouldn't give to have another today with Kami.  I love you Kami!

Kami, Lizzie and Mel at her Utah Open House