I was the co-chair in charge of the AFSP Community Out of Darkness walk this year. I started working on it in December of 2017 and the walk wasn't until September 22, 2018. There is so much that goes into making the walk successful. So many volunteers give of their time and means to make it happen. The reason I participate in this walk, is because I want to get the word out about preventing suicide. If I can help one person, then I have done my job. I have met some amazing, strong people through working on the walk. Each one of us are involved with the walk for varying reasons, some have lost spouses, some children, some siblings, some cousins, some nieces, some nephews, etc. Each one of us are in a different stage of grief. These stages can change on a daily, sometimes minute by minute basis. No matter the reason or the stage, we are involved and happy to help.
I met some amazing people at the walk and leading up to the walk. I had the privilege of giving a speech before the walk began. There was a family sitting right down in the front and they were all crying. Once the opening ceremonies were over, I walked up to them and asked if I could give them a hug. There was a mother, her daughters and her parents. She told me that she had lost her son just a few months earlier. I told her that it doesn't get any easier, but it does get different. I told her I didn't want to lie to her. It will never be easy. It did mean the world to me that I was able to hug them and talk to them. I hope they felt some hope that day. I am grateful that I can be a source of strength to someone. I am grateful that I have sources of strength in my life as well.
My mom and Aunt flew out from Utah to help with the walk. I put them to work from the second they landed until late in the afternoon on Saturday. They were so willing to chip in and help where needed. They love Kami and I know they would do anything for her and everyone else in my family. What a sacrifice they made. I also had Ryan's girlfriend Jess, and his friend Alex's wife Kelly help with registration. I had two co-workers helping the day of the walk. I had several co-workers, both past and present, walking for Kami. I also had several church friends that came to walk for Kami as well as Kami's friends were there. It takes a village. I am so thankful for the people in my village.
People ask me "Are you going to be in charge again? It was such a huge job"? I say "yes I will, at least one more year, they ask if you will commit to two years". I have one walk under my belt now and hopefully it will be a little easier next year.
I walk to bring awareness, I organize the walk to bring awareness. I walk because I love Kami, I walk to support others in my shoes. You never have to walk alone!
Saturday, October 13, 2018
I Choose
I have made a decision. The anniversary of Kami's death, August 29th, came and went. She has been gone four years now. I have decided that I choose to remember Kami alive, not Kami gone. Yes the date in August was a life changing event but life changing in a sad way. May 27, 1992 was a life changing event in a happy way. I choose to be grateful for the day I became Kami's mom. I choose to remember the beautiful little girl that was put into my arms that morning. Her sweet spirit brought so much joy into our home. Her brothers would probably have had another little brother but they were sweet and kind with her. I choose to remember her excitement with animals. She was so excited to get her first parakeet. She would take them out of the cage and carry them around and kiss their beaks. She gave them fun names, one that I remember is Sprite. Sprite was a yellow and green parakeet.
I choose to remember Kami at dance recitals. She loved music, many different types. I choose to remember Kami when she learned to swim. I had taken her to swimming lessons and she didn't want to have much to do with them. One day my Aunt Marian and I were sitting out by her pool ,and the boys and Kami were in the pool. Marian looked over and then said to me. "Lori, look at Kami, she is swimming". Kami did things her own way and in her own time frame. I choose to remember a girl that could wear her hair in a pony tail and a pair of sweats and a T-Shirt and look beautiful. I choose to remember a girl that loved to tie dye everything! I remember going out in the back yard one time with her and learning how to tie dye. Yes it was fun. I could see why she loved it. I choose to remember a girl that was a good friend. She would have given the shirt off her back for her friends. On the flipside, I choose to remember her friends. She had some great ones that were very patient and loving towards her when she could be a little challenging. I am so grateful to these friends that come each year to the walk and put on the Remember Kami shirts to walk.
I choose to remember a girl who had a great relationship with her Grandma Betty. I know that Grandma Betty was there to greet her when she left this earth. Grandma Betty used to let Kami pull out her cans and groceries and play grocery store with her. Grandma Betty used to make ritz cracker sandwiches with ham and peanut butter on them. (I know that sounds gross, but Ryan and Kami and Dan swore by them). I choose to remember a girl that was fierce on the soccer field. She had the ability to see the whole field and place her shots where they needed to be. Her senior year, she had the choice to move up to another level of team and she chose to stay behind with the girl's she had been playing with. The coach was not very good and none of the girl's liked him. Kami chose to make the best of it and supported him. (much better than I could have) and when they lost their goalie towards the end of the season, Kami played goalie. She had not played goalie since she was about 5 or 6 but she did it because the team needed her to.
I choose to find the joy that she brought into my life and not concentrate on her death. Every one of us will die someday. Like it or not, there is only one way off this earth. Some of us will live to be very old, some of us not so long. Unfortunately Kami wasn't so long on this earth. I know that I will see Kami again when I die. I choose to look forward to that big hug that I hope she will be standing there waiting to give me. I choose to be grateful that God had the faith in me to be Kami's mom on this earth. I choose to make the best life I can until it is my time to leave this earth.
I Choose.
I choose to remember Kami at dance recitals. She loved music, many different types. I choose to remember Kami when she learned to swim. I had taken her to swimming lessons and she didn't want to have much to do with them. One day my Aunt Marian and I were sitting out by her pool ,and the boys and Kami were in the pool. Marian looked over and then said to me. "Lori, look at Kami, she is swimming". Kami did things her own way and in her own time frame. I choose to remember a girl that could wear her hair in a pony tail and a pair of sweats and a T-Shirt and look beautiful. I choose to remember a girl that loved to tie dye everything! I remember going out in the back yard one time with her and learning how to tie dye. Yes it was fun. I could see why she loved it. I choose to remember a girl that was a good friend. She would have given the shirt off her back for her friends. On the flipside, I choose to remember her friends. She had some great ones that were very patient and loving towards her when she could be a little challenging. I am so grateful to these friends that come each year to the walk and put on the Remember Kami shirts to walk.
I choose to remember a girl who had a great relationship with her Grandma Betty. I know that Grandma Betty was there to greet her when she left this earth. Grandma Betty used to let Kami pull out her cans and groceries and play grocery store with her. Grandma Betty used to make ritz cracker sandwiches with ham and peanut butter on them. (I know that sounds gross, but Ryan and Kami and Dan swore by them). I choose to remember a girl that was fierce on the soccer field. She had the ability to see the whole field and place her shots where they needed to be. Her senior year, she had the choice to move up to another level of team and she chose to stay behind with the girl's she had been playing with. The coach was not very good and none of the girl's liked him. Kami chose to make the best of it and supported him. (much better than I could have) and when they lost their goalie towards the end of the season, Kami played goalie. She had not played goalie since she was about 5 or 6 but she did it because the team needed her to.
I choose to find the joy that she brought into my life and not concentrate on her death. Every one of us will die someday. Like it or not, there is only one way off this earth. Some of us will live to be very old, some of us not so long. Unfortunately Kami wasn't so long on this earth. I know that I will see Kami again when I die. I choose to look forward to that big hug that I hope she will be standing there waiting to give me. I choose to be grateful that God had the faith in me to be Kami's mom on this earth. I choose to make the best life I can until it is my time to leave this earth.
I Choose.
Saturday, June 23, 2018
I feel your pain
Monday night I got a text from a friend, she told me her brother had taken his life the day before. We then talked on the phone. She could barely talk, she was crying so hard. I listened and told her I was sorry. Didn't try to fix anything and tell her that it would get better, I just listened. Been there, done that... My heart ached for her and her family. I thought about it all night long and had a hard time going to sleep that night. Each time I hear about a suicide, it is like ripping off the band aid. It brings everything back to the surface. The emotions are fresh. I truly do feel their pain.
I am grateful that people can reach out to me though. It is very important to me to support others. Even though it hurts and brings back memories, I want to be there for those who have lost loved ones. I want them to know that life will go on and you will learn to live a different way without them. I went to the funeral for her brother today. I didn't know him other than things she has told me over the years about her family. Pictures were everywhere of him. He had a great smile, loved the Broncos, loved the outdoors, and loved his family. I felt like I had known him by the end of the service. After it was over, I went up to my friend and gave her a hug. She clung to me like I was the last lifesaver on the Titanic. I clung back. The unspoken words flew between us. I cried with her.
I got home from the funeral and I had some things to do for the walk that I am co-chairing this year. This is my life now. To be involved and help others. It is a world I would rather not be a part of, but I am. I need to embrace this challenge and help others. I feel the pain of others, deep down in my bones. If I can make one person have a better day, that is my goal. One day at a time. That is how I roll now.
I am grateful that people can reach out to me though. It is very important to me to support others. Even though it hurts and brings back memories, I want to be there for those who have lost loved ones. I want them to know that life will go on and you will learn to live a different way without them. I went to the funeral for her brother today. I didn't know him other than things she has told me over the years about her family. Pictures were everywhere of him. He had a great smile, loved the Broncos, loved the outdoors, and loved his family. I felt like I had known him by the end of the service. After it was over, I went up to my friend and gave her a hug. She clung to me like I was the last lifesaver on the Titanic. I clung back. The unspoken words flew between us. I cried with her.
I got home from the funeral and I had some things to do for the walk that I am co-chairing this year. This is my life now. To be involved and help others. It is a world I would rather not be a part of, but I am. I need to embrace this challenge and help others. I feel the pain of others, deep down in my bones. If I can make one person have a better day, that is my goal. One day at a time. That is how I roll now.
Monday, May 28, 2018
Family
I was able to spend the last two weekends with my oldest son, daughter in law, and my 3 favorite grandchildren helping them move from Montrose, Colorado to Fruita, Colorado. This past weekend, my other son and his girlfriend came with me. We worked hard, we carried, moved, unloaded, sweated, and even helped paint a living room. On the drive to Grand Junction, my son mentioned something on his bucket list that he wanted to do. I pondered that thought during the weekend. My bucket list includes being with my family. The older I get, the more I realize that the material things don't matter. The time things do. When you leave this earth, you don't take anything of earthly value with you. You do take the memories and pieces of people's hearts. I hope that my boys will continue to be friends when I am gone. I hope that their children will know each other, spend time together, and make some fun memories. My grandkids, hugged and kissed me and I hugged and kissed them. I told them over and over how much I love them.
It was mentioned as we were driving back home that families can be a bit crazy at times. I don't know of anyone that has a family that gets along all the time. If they say they do, they are probably lying. Families come in all different shapes and sizes and circumstances and personalities. At the end of the day though, your family has your back. Friends will come and go in your life, but you will always be connected to your famil. Good or bad as that seems, their is always a connection.
While we were there this weekend, we went on a hike up Dinosaur Hill. The last time I hiked there was with Kami and her husband on the way back from an open house we had for them over in Utah with our family and friends. The memory I keep from that trip is not of Kami's husband and that part of her life, but of Kami and her Dad catching lizards on the hike. She loved to do that with her dad. I can't tell you how many lizards my children have brought home over the years. Many of them are buried in our back yard. A few of Kami's are buried at Red Rocks. On this trip, my grand dog Haze was the lizard hunter. He found great joy in digging his nose down into the bushes and even tried to dig one out of the dirt with his paws. I got to the top of the hill, and caught my breath (boy I'm old and out of shape), I looked around and thought how much Kami is missing not being here with our family. Then I thought, maybe she isn't missing these times, maybe she is allowed to spend moments with us. I pray often to feel her spirit around me. I am not sure that I have for a while. I remember being told once by someone that each time we think of our loved ones, they are allowed to dwell in our hearts for a moment.
We drove up and around the National Monument and stopped at some lookouts. I listened to the quiet and looked out over the beautiful view and thought to myself, God made a beautiful world. If God can make a beautiful world, he can take care of my Kami. I pray that she is at peace and I pray that she is still with our family on the adventures that we have. She is a forever piece of my heart.
She would have been 26 yesterday. I thought of her so many times throughout the day. Those days don't get easier. My two granddaughters mentioned her a few times. My middle one asks about things that she liked all of the time. She was very young when Kami died. All of them were. My grandson was only 1. He has no memory of her. The thing I want Kami to know is that we had her back. We wanted her to be OK, we wanted her to be part of our adventures here on earth.
She would love all of the grand dogs. We have four of them now. Large and small. Kami would have been in the center of them. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have so many grand dogs. I love them all.
I need to learn to take the quiet moments and listen and feel. My heart is broken and will never heal, but there are times when the hurt is tolerable. There are times when it is as fresh as the day she died. Bottom line though is that my family is my everything. The reason I breathe. My hope is for them to know that I have their backs. Yes, we are imperfect but to me we are perfect. I am blessed.
It was mentioned as we were driving back home that families can be a bit crazy at times. I don't know of anyone that has a family that gets along all the time. If they say they do, they are probably lying. Families come in all different shapes and sizes and circumstances and personalities. At the end of the day though, your family has your back. Friends will come and go in your life, but you will always be connected to your famil. Good or bad as that seems, their is always a connection.
While we were there this weekend, we went on a hike up Dinosaur Hill. The last time I hiked there was with Kami and her husband on the way back from an open house we had for them over in Utah with our family and friends. The memory I keep from that trip is not of Kami's husband and that part of her life, but of Kami and her Dad catching lizards on the hike. She loved to do that with her dad. I can't tell you how many lizards my children have brought home over the years. Many of them are buried in our back yard. A few of Kami's are buried at Red Rocks. On this trip, my grand dog Haze was the lizard hunter. He found great joy in digging his nose down into the bushes and even tried to dig one out of the dirt with his paws. I got to the top of the hill, and caught my breath (boy I'm old and out of shape), I looked around and thought how much Kami is missing not being here with our family. Then I thought, maybe she isn't missing these times, maybe she is allowed to spend moments with us. I pray often to feel her spirit around me. I am not sure that I have for a while. I remember being told once by someone that each time we think of our loved ones, they are allowed to dwell in our hearts for a moment.
We drove up and around the National Monument and stopped at some lookouts. I listened to the quiet and looked out over the beautiful view and thought to myself, God made a beautiful world. If God can make a beautiful world, he can take care of my Kami. I pray that she is at peace and I pray that she is still with our family on the adventures that we have. She is a forever piece of my heart.
She would have been 26 yesterday. I thought of her so many times throughout the day. Those days don't get easier. My two granddaughters mentioned her a few times. My middle one asks about things that she liked all of the time. She was very young when Kami died. All of them were. My grandson was only 1. He has no memory of her. The thing I want Kami to know is that we had her back. We wanted her to be OK, we wanted her to be part of our adventures here on earth.
She would love all of the grand dogs. We have four of them now. Large and small. Kami would have been in the center of them. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have so many grand dogs. I love them all.
I need to learn to take the quiet moments and listen and feel. My heart is broken and will never heal, but there are times when the hurt is tolerable. There are times when it is as fresh as the day she died. Bottom line though is that my family is my everything. The reason I breathe. My hope is for them to know that I have their backs. Yes, we are imperfect but to me we are perfect. I am blessed.
Thursday, April 5, 2018
Kami
Kami
I love to say her name. I take all the chances that I get to say her name. I don't want anyone to forget that she was here on this earth and she touched many lives. Some in good ways, some in not so good ways. Mostly good though. Her smile...people comment most about how she always had a smile on her face when they saw her. She was a precocious little girl. From the very beginning, she knew what she wanted and could be so headstrong. She was very talented. I loved that one day she came home from work at Staples (she was about 20 years old, mind you) and was so excited because she got an award for being employee of the week or something and she got a carousel of crayons. She loved to color. She was so proud of new crayons. Then not too long after that she left them in her car on a hot summer day and ....well.....I think you know where this story went. She was really bummed.
She also loved her sharpies. She got a large package of all colors of sharpies. After she died, I found them in some of the things that Jeff actually returned to us. It was a small piece of Kami that I could keep and use. Not too long ago, I thought I had lost them and I was so sad. I found them in a tote that I keep fun things to do with my grandkids in. When I found them, I thought to myself, I hope these will last forever. It is something that I can touch, that Kami touched. You don't realize how precious things are until they are gone. I wish that I had more pictures of her, more things that she wrote or left behind, more tangible memories.
Make sure to make the most of every moment. Because you never know when those moments will just be a memory.
This morning at work I was there all alone and it was very quiet. The song Let Her Go came on. It gave me time to reflect on how much I love her and miss her every day. I think I have shared these words before but I feel the need to do it again. This song is by Passenger. I knew I loved her before I had to let her go.
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know…
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know…
Saturday, March 10, 2018
Causes
I was thinking this morning about causes. I was reading people magazine and looking at the "beautiful people" at the Oscars. The cause for women's equal rights was mentioned several times along with other causes that the stars find important. It got me thinking about what makes people get involved in particular causes. Usually it is because of a personal experience, or an experience that affected a loved one. It is a way that we can be heard. It becomes a part of us, one way or another. It isn't always because we would have chosen to be involved in a particular cause, but because of the circumstances, we are involved.
I also thought of the other meaning for the word cause. What causes people to do what they do, what circumstance made a person make that particular choice at that particular time in their life? Because someone is depressed, anxious, feeling unworthy, or has a mental health condition that they have dealt with for many years, sometimes their whole lives. These are the "causes" that make it so that individuals feel there is no where to turn, no other choice to make but to end it all. Take the ever growing burden away. Relieve others of the burden they have become. In their minds, everyone will be better off without them here.
Kami was a challenge at times, but never a burden that I couldn't bear. Because Kami was born, I was lucky enough to become the mother of a daughter. I took on the adventure with a full heart and gratitude. I embraced the color pink. My cause was to be the best mom I knew how to be. To Kami and her two older brothers. They stole my heart the minute they were born. There is no greater joy (except being a grandma), than to be a mom. To love your child unconditionally. Sometimes they make it hard to like them, but you always, always love your children.
Because of the choice that Kami made, I now have a cause. My cause has become to bring awareness about mental health and ways to prevent other families having to go through what we have and lose a child to suicide. My cause is to be kind, show other's love, and try not to be judgmental. It is a scary world we live in today. I have found though, as scary as it can be, there are still really good people in the world. Everyone should have something they are passionate about, whether it be by choice or by need. Find your cause and embrace it.
I also thought of the other meaning for the word cause. What causes people to do what they do, what circumstance made a person make that particular choice at that particular time in their life? Because someone is depressed, anxious, feeling unworthy, or has a mental health condition that they have dealt with for many years, sometimes their whole lives. These are the "causes" that make it so that individuals feel there is no where to turn, no other choice to make but to end it all. Take the ever growing burden away. Relieve others of the burden they have become. In their minds, everyone will be better off without them here.
Kami was a challenge at times, but never a burden that I couldn't bear. Because Kami was born, I was lucky enough to become the mother of a daughter. I took on the adventure with a full heart and gratitude. I embraced the color pink. My cause was to be the best mom I knew how to be. To Kami and her two older brothers. They stole my heart the minute they were born. There is no greater joy (except being a grandma), than to be a mom. To love your child unconditionally. Sometimes they make it hard to like them, but you always, always love your children.
Because of the choice that Kami made, I now have a cause. My cause has become to bring awareness about mental health and ways to prevent other families having to go through what we have and lose a child to suicide. My cause is to be kind, show other's love, and try not to be judgmental. It is a scary world we live in today. I have found though, as scary as it can be, there are still really good people in the world. Everyone should have something they are passionate about, whether it be by choice or by need. Find your cause and embrace it.
Saturday, February 10, 2018
Cruisin
We just got back from a cruise that we took with our oldest son, his wife and 3 adorable grand kids. It is the first time in about 20 years that I have taken 5 days in a row off of work. It was a much needed break. Since Kami has died, I have tried to stay busy. I think if I stay busy, I don't have to think about things so much. I know this has definitely helped me because I have not gone into the depression that so many people do after losing someone to suicide. I have made myself get up each day and carry on. When I do take time to reflect on losing Kami, I have gotten to the point where I don't feel that gut wrenching pain that I had the first couple of years. I am in a stage where I think about her every day and at times like being on the cruise, I noticed many things that Kami would have loved. We went to a turtle farm in Grand Cayman. The grand kids loved it. Kami would have loved it. She loved animals. Sometimes to death! When she was younger, there were a couple of times that we probably lost birds and lizards from her loving (squeezing) just a little too tight. Kami would have loved Jamaica also. She was a free spirit, just like they are in Jamaica. Ya Mon. She loved that kind of music also. Kami loved a variety of music. There was a lot of music on the cruise.
It was so much fun to spend time with the grandkids. I am the luckiest grandma on earth to have 3 of the best grand kids God could have blessed me with. They will not know their Aunt Kami. Lizzie and Melody remember her a little but Torsten was much to young when she died to remember her. It is those things that I feel sad for now. The fact that she is missing out on watching them grow up and for them not being able to know her. We have such a small little family. Only having two boys left and one not married yet. Our family get together's are very small. When I was growing up, my mom was one of six children and there was such a large extended family. Each holiday was filled with aunts, uncles, and tons of cousins. I miss those moments. The older you get the more you appreciate your family and realize that when you die, you can't take your stuff with you, only your memories and looking forward to meeting those again that have gone before you.
I am grateful we were able to take this vacation. It gave me time to reflect and realize that sometimes you just need to take some time to relax and to remember.
It was so much fun to spend time with the grandkids. I am the luckiest grandma on earth to have 3 of the best grand kids God could have blessed me with. They will not know their Aunt Kami. Lizzie and Melody remember her a little but Torsten was much to young when she died to remember her. It is those things that I feel sad for now. The fact that she is missing out on watching them grow up and for them not being able to know her. We have such a small little family. Only having two boys left and one not married yet. Our family get together's are very small. When I was growing up, my mom was one of six children and there was such a large extended family. Each holiday was filled with aunts, uncles, and tons of cousins. I miss those moments. The older you get the more you appreciate your family and realize that when you die, you can't take your stuff with you, only your memories and looking forward to meeting those again that have gone before you.
I am grateful we were able to take this vacation. It gave me time to reflect and realize that sometimes you just need to take some time to relax and to remember.
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