Support

I am writing this blog because I attended my first support group this week.  It is for survivor parents of children who have committed suicide.  There were about 20 to 25 people in attendance and I guess last month they had been filmed by a local news channel for a piece they were doing on suicide awareness/prevention.  There were a handful of dad's there but mostly mom's.  They showed the news pieces and discussed them.  Then everyone went around the room and talked about their child, who they were, and what had happened to them.  It was going on about 2 1/2 hours at this point.  It came to me and I started to share my story about Kami when a gentleman who had lost his son just five weeks ago, stopped breathing and had some sort of attack.  Luckily we had some people with medical knowledge there and 911 was called and he started breathing again and the paramedics came and took him to be checked. 


I looked at the friend that I had gone with and said "did I do that".. I know I really didn't but I don't know that I will be invited back!!!  (Just kidding)


The thing that I heard the most that night, through the heart wrenching stories, are the heroic efforts of parents who tried to get help for their children.   They loved/love their kids with all their hearts.  No matter the age, boy or girl, these children belonged to a parent that would give their lives for them.  The guilt that was felt in that room could have filled up the entire building we were in.  I don't know how many times I heard, if only, what if, if I had known...it was surreal to look around this room and realize that each of these parents in that room had been brought to their knees and have felt the kind of pain that no parent should ever feel. The kind of pain that you don't think you will ever be able to drag yourself out of.  The kind of pain that hits you in the gut so hard you can't get up.  The kind of pain that you never know what will trigger a memory, and bring you to uncontrollable sobs.  The fact the other people truly know how you feel is a support.  There were some people there that had lost children as long as 25 years ago and some that had lost them as little as 5 weeks ago.  There were more parents of males than females.  That probably has something to do with statistics.  I'm still learning the odds.  There were parents from all walks of life.  Some of their children were affected by severe mental illnesses, and others said they had no idea until it actually happened.  There is no scarlet letter, big sign, etc. that says: hey I might go out and kill myself today.  If you were walking by one of these parents on the street, you would have no idea that they had lost a child in such a horrific way.   


In 2013 (the most recent year for which full data are available), 41,149 suicides were reported, making suicide the 10th leading cause of death for Americans.   In that year, someone in the country died by suicide every 12.8 minutes. Colorado ranks #7 in the nation for suicides behind:


1- Alaska
2- Wyoming
3 - South Dakota
4 - North Dakota
5 - Montana
6 - New Mexico


It is a disease that needs to be brought to the attention of everyone.  Not too long after Kami died we had someone tell us that is in the funeral business that 1 out of 2 funerals they had been dealing with, was a suicide. When given the opportunity, talk about it.  It is not a subject that can be ignored.  I lost my brother to it almost 20 years ago and it hasn't gone away.  The casualties left behind are numerous and sometimes devastated to the point they can't recover.  When you see that someone is having a bad day, take a minute to make it a better one.  A smile can go along way.  Be someone's support.  In honor of support, I would like to end with a funny:


Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box
That one is for you Kami!

Milestones

I can't wait until she smiles, until she rolls over, until she sleeps through the night, until she sits up, until she walks, until she can go to the nursery at church, until she is potty trained, you get my drift.  There were so many milestones that we were excited about as parents.  Anyone that is a parent knows what I am talking about.  When you have a baby, you hold that baby and treasure every moment.  You wrap that baby in a towel after a bath and you bring them to your nose and you inhale the baby smell.  You live for each milestone that they pass.  I remember when Kami started kindergarten and thought how much my life was changing then.  I was telling someone the other day how hard it was when the kid's got their driver's license because I could no longer drive them to soccer practice.  I always learned so much when I was driving them to soccer, especially when they had their friends in the car and don't even get me started when they would open their soccer bags and pull out their socks.  You know the ones that you had asked them to put in the laundry several times.  The car would smell so bad, you had to roll down every window.  I was telling this same person what a mixed blessing it is when they get their license because I missed the drives to soccer practice but I was grateful they could drive to the games because they had to be their an hour early and I could just show up at game time.  I looked forward to the day that Kami would get married and we would go shopping for dresses together and do the whole wedding thing.  Instead, she ran off and got married at the court house and we never got to do that milestone....
The reason I bring this up is because I was talking to another mother who lost a child two weeks after we lost Kami.  I told her we had just passed the 6 month mark and she told me theirs was coming up. We talked about all of these "firsts" that we are going through.  These are not the milestones we hoped for when they were little.  These are not the "firsts" that we want to face.  These are not the milestones that we want to be a part of.  We talked about being part of a club that we never intended to sign up for.  I know if I could have it all to do over again, I would have enjoyed those milestones I had hoped for a lot more.  I would have inhaled that baby smell and captured it into my memory so much stronger. 
Enjoy your milestones, especially the ones you wish for....