Happy Heavenly Birthday

 It is so hard to believe that 30 years ago about this time, I started feeling kind of miserable and thought that maybe our little girl would be joining us on earth.  I remember about 9 p.m. being really sure and we headed for the hospital and by midnight I had the epidural and Bud went home to rest a little because the other two had taken so long.  About 4 a.m. on the 27th they told me to get Bud back and that she would be coming quick.  She had swallowed some yucky stuff and so they needed to get her out.  Bud walked into the room right before she was born and there were so many nurses and breathing specialists, etc in the room that I wouldn't have noticed if the janitor walked in to be a part of her entrance.

She had arrived, and I was so relieved to hear her cry. They took her right away and checked her out and once we knew that she was going to be a healthy baby, my heart was full, and I breathed a sigh of relief.  I remember crying tears of happiness and being so exhausted and so happy.  With the 3rd child, you realize that once you get home, you are the caretaker and won't have the nurses around to give you breaks so I took advantage of that, but I remember having her in my room a lot.  I remember just being so excited to have that little girl, the person that I would be able to shop for barbies with, dress in dresses, do her hair, bond with, and we did. we bonded.   She was loved and admired by her two big brothers and became the final baby in our family.  We were complete.  

She was my girlie girl for the first few years, I couldn't even get her to wear shorts for soccer when she was 4, we had to get her Skorts (shorts/skirt mixed) to wear so she would play.  She did took dance, she loved girlie things.  Then when she started school, she decided it was okay to wear pants and play soccer and ride bikes, and ATV's, and basically become a little tougher.  She had no choice with two older brothers.  Every Sunday was wrestling with them and her dad.  It wasn't a Sunday unless Kami was crying over being hurt and her brothers complaining because she always ruined it.  

As she got older, she had more friends that were boys because she hated the drama of the girl thing.  She did have a few girl friends and one of those was Sam.  She was such a good friend to Kami.  Kami had a very strong personality and Sam was a little on the quiet side.  She could stand up to Kami but she was fine with Kami being the strong one in their friendship.  Her house was a refuge for Kami as she got older and thought that we, the parents, knew nothing.  On Saturday, the 28th, Sam is marrying the love of her life, and I am so happy for her.  I feel honored that I have been invited.  I know that between that and the fact that Kami would be 30 tomorrow, I have been crying at the drop of a hat, thinking about her non-stop.  You would think that 8 years later, it wouldn't hurt as bad....but it does....probably worse at times.  

That tight bond that we had when she was younger began to unravel when she was about 15.  She started to pull away and make some really questionable choices.  I saw so much potential in her.  I just wish she would have been able to see it herself.   I cried and spent many sleepless nights waiting in the front window, praying that she would come home safely.  I was always grateful and a little uneasy when she would come home, not in the best shape, but I was grateful she was home.  I wish that she could have seen what everyone else saw in her and the future that she could have had.  I wish that I could give her a big hug for her birthday tomorrow.  I wish I could watch her blow out 30 candles on a cake.  I would give anything to spend just a little time with her to tell her how much I love and miss her.  I wish she was going to Sam's wedding with me.  She would be so happy for her.

A mother's sacrifice

At church today, another mother that lost a daughter, came in and said "Happy Easter" to me.  She then kissed me on the forehead and said, "we both appreciate this holiday so much more, don't we?"  It really made me stop and think about the sacrifice that one mother made years ago in order for me to see my Kami again.   I know I will see Kami again. In my heart of hearts, I know.    I am grateful for a savior that died for all of our sins so that I will be able to see her again.  

Last weekend I went down to spend some time with my Dan, April and my grandkids.  We had a wonderful weekend and during many moments, I enjoyed the fact that I was able to get in a car, drive four hours through a beautiful canyon, I enjoyed the fact that I can take a blow up a mattress and take turns sleeping in a different grandkid's bedrooms with them at night.  It is nice to be able to just talk one on one with them.  We took a long walk in Fruita and saw some beautiful homes and ended up getting a treat and soda at Quave. I enjoyed that we could play games together, even though they have to be extra patient with me explaining the rules sometime.    I appreciate every moment I get to spend with my family.  

The weekend before that, Ryan and Jess came over and shared some awesome news with us.  We are going to be grandparents again.  I am so excited to have another grandchild and a sweet baby on this earth.  I hope Kami is hanging out with that little spirit as much as possible and telling them how lucky they will be to be born into the Harper family.  I hope she is telling them about special memories she has with our family.

 

Each time one of these events happen, I think so much about Kami and about the fact that she is missing out being here with us for these events.  I know everyone says that she is with us in spirit, but I wish she could be here in body to enjoy these little nieces and nephews.  She loved Dan and April's kids and I know she would love Ryan and Jess's little ones also.  She would be amazed that we now have 6 dogs between all of us.  The ratio of grand dogs to grandchildren, is larger at this point until the new little Harper arrives.

People talk about the trials that we have to go through in our lives and how they make us grow.  There are many that I don't understand.   I hope we can ask questions on the other side. What did I need to learn by losing Kami.  Why couldn't I have been taught another way.  This is so hard.   Maybe losing Kami has made me appreciate the little things that I used to take for granted.  Maybe I squeeze my kids and grandkids a little tighter each time I see them because you never know if you will get that chance again.  

Today in Sunday school we watched the video of Christ's crucifixion and so many things stuck out to me.  One being that when Ceasar said, what shall we do with this man and a man in the crowd yelled out, "crucify him" and then in turn everyone around him started to chant that. It just goes to show that one person can change the direction of so many.    At this same time, it shows his mother Mary, crying out, "save my son".  My heart ached for Mary and in that moment, I was one with Mary.  I could understand the heartache she went through.  What an awful thing she went through to have to watch her child be nailed to a cross and suffer knowing that there was no way to save him.  That would have been excruciating.  I didn't watch Kami die and I honestly don't think I could have survived that if I would have.  Learning of her death after the fact, was torture.  

I want Mary to know, from one heartbroken mother to another, that I am so grateful for her sacrifice that she made so that I will be able to see Kami again.  From one mother to another, Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.  The picture below, shows what makes my heart happy.  I am grateful to be a grandma.