# GIVE THANKS

President Russell M. Nelson, the leader of my church extended a challenge last week and asked everyone to flood social media with #Give Thanks and list all of the things that you are grateful for.  I decided to write about it on my blog instead.  

I am thankful for all of the things that everyone has been posting all week on Facebook/Instagram, family, friends, a roof over my head, the freedom to worship as I choose, water, a job, modern medicine, technology and  so many other blessings in my life.

As I have seen these posts all week and have read what people are grateful for, it has really made me ponder the many blessings in my life.  I was raised by great parents.  My dad was such a sweetheart and hard worker.  He worked in construction almost his whole life and worked outside in the cold and heat.  We were not rich by any means but I always had what I needed. I think he invented the bad dad jokes. My mom was a very kind person.  She never said anything mean about anyone and as I have grown older, I have also grown to appreciate this even more about her.  I had awesome grandparents on both sides of my family.  I never knew my grandpa on my dad's side but my Grandma Benson was incredible.  She lived about 3 hours away from us while I was growing up so we went every few months to see her.  She was an incredible cook and one of my fondest memories that I have of her especially now that I am a grandma who lives 4 hours away from my grandkids, is her standing on her porch and waving goodbye and putting her handkerchief up to her eyes and wiping away tears.  My grandma and grandpa on my mom's side were awesome as well.  Grandma Rowley could cook just like my Grandma Benson.  She always had Hershey candy bars at her house for everyone.  Grandpa could build some beautiful pieces of furniture and until I moved from my home last year and downsized, I still had a couple of desks and chest of drawers that he built about 30 years ago.

I have made some amazing friends over the years, through church, our children, our kid's sports teams, my jobs, etc.  I am forever grateful for the blessing they have all been in my life.  You definitely know who those real friends are as the years go by and they continue to stay in touch.  Especially after we lost Kami, that is when I really knew who my friends were.  

I was born into a wonderful extended family with lots of aunts and uncles, and cousins.  I didn't realize how lucky I was until I got older and my grandparents passed away and keeping in touch just kind of fell by the way side.  I have tried to organize some get togethers but it is exhausting and the same people usually come. My dad was one of 3 brothers and only one of the other ones married and had children so I don't have many cousins on that side and definitely have not kept in touch with them.  I have had some great relationships with some of these aunts and uncles and they have been an amazing help to me over the years.  I am forever grateful to them.

I am grateful for my Ollie Puppy.  He has been a godsend.  Kami talked us into getting him, little did we know at the time that he would help us survive loosing her.  I have 4 adorable granddogs.  I am grateful for them.  When I go down to Fruita I usually have a 30 pound Sam trying to wedge his way onto my lap between grandkids.  Maggie is adorable and completes the visit.  Haze and Mollie are our sleepover dogs.  They like to come to grandmas and stay sometimes.  When I go over to their house, Haze usually sniffs my pockets because he knows that sometimes I have bones in my pockets. Mollie literally lays her head on your shoulder like a baby and gives the best hugs. #Dogsareamazinglyforgiving.

So many people say they are grateful for their trials because it made them stronger.  I will be honest, I am not grateful for trials.  Yes, I endured them and will continue to endure them, but I am not grateful.  I am grateful that I survived these trials and have been able to move on from them.  I am just being honest.  Maybe I am not as good of a person as everyone else because I am not grateful for them.  

My greatest blessing by far, is that of my children and now grandchildren. From the time, I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mom.  Everything else I have become, is just a blessing on top.  My children are my greatest accomplishments and also include some of my biggest sorrows in my life.  I have 2 amazing sons.  Dan is an awesome provider and leader in his home and married a very talented woman named April who is one of 10 children.  She is multi talented and has so much patience.  They have created my 3 amazing grandchildren, Lizzie is 11, Melody is 9 and Torsten is 7.  They have my heart.   Each one raised in the same home and they have such different personalities just like my 3 kids were and are different. Lizzie has such a tender heart, Melody has such a strong spirit, and Torsten is a little Dan recreated with his love of dinosaurs, bikes, trucks, etc.    Ryan is a kind, generous person and has found the love of his life with Jess.  We can't wait for them to get married.  She is already part of the Harper clan.  They both have hearts of gold and check on me often to see how I am doing.  They are both enjoying great success in their careers and I hope that they will add to my amazing grandkids some day.  

Kami also had a big heart and a great smile.  She had a great laugh and loved her many animals and birds over the years.    I am grateful that my Heavenly Father chose me to be her mom.  With all of the challenges she brought, there were more  good memories.  She was my excuse to finally go down the aisles at the toy store that had pink in them.  I wish I could have been a better mom to her and to my boys.  If we only knew when we were raising our children the things we learn after they become adults, life would be so much easier.  It was so hard to watch her make the choices she did that led her to her final choice.  If I could have taken that from her, I would have.  

This has been a crazy year with the pandemic, the election, the riots, the hate, the judging, etc.  I am grateful that this year is almost over and look forward to better years to come. #2021betterbebetter

Seasons Change

 I was out to dinner with a friend last night and she asked me why I don't blog anymore.  I really don't have a good answer other than I have not taken the time.  Sometimes I don't have the time, but mostly it is that I just don't take the time.  The other morning I took Ollie outside early in the morning to use the outdoor facilities and I saw a tree out there that was half green leaves and half yellow leaves.  I stood there and thought, the seasons have come and gone since Kami left and yet I still feel like I am caught in between the green and yellow leaves.  I was thinking to myself, I need to write about this and having her ask me why I don't blog anymore, made me start this post.  

There were so many scenarios that came to mind as I stood there thinking about Kami.  I feel like everyone has gone on with their lives and probably think about her occasionally when something happens to remind them of her.  I think about her every single day, several times throughout the day.  I feel like I am in between the two worlds like the tree is in between colors.  I see moms who are hanging out with their adult daughters and their grandchildren and I wonder what kind of a mom would she have been.  Would she have a daughter "just like her"?  

Because of the pandemic this year, the walk at Coors Field that I have been the walk chair over for the past 3 years could not take place under regular circumstances.  We scrambled and tried to figure out how to do something other than virtual.  Other areas around the country came up with some different ideas as well.  We decided to make it a drive through event in the mile long parking lot.  Even though everyone had to wear masks and gloves if something was handed between the outside and inside of a vehicle, it was not virtual.  You could look into someone's eyes and feel their pain.  It was a very different event in the fact that you couldn't reach out and give anyone a hug or even touch their hand.  Suicide is a very isolating subject.  You feel isolated being left behind and I am sure the person that dies by suicide feels isolated and that is one of the factors that led them to that decision.  The pandemic has isolated so many people.  Even people that normally don't face depression and anxiety are facing it now.  For those of us that faced it before, it can be devastating.  

I am not sure how much longer the pandemic will keep us isolated but I do know that for the rest of my life, I feel isolated from certain things, and people.  I am caught in between those yellow and green leaves.  Right after I lost Kami, I remember thinking the first time that I smiled and felt happy, I should not be smiling.   I had to get over that and realize that yes, my life will go on with or without my Kami.  

Ready or not the leaves are changing at least for some people.

28 could be great!

I took a walk this morning on a beautiful trail with my Ollie Puppy.  It was perfect weather, the sun was out and the sky was blue.  Birds were chirping, the little fire ants were moving along keeping busy between their mounds and the trails and weeds.  I was walking along and talking to Kami.  I told her I missed her and that I wish she was there to walk with me.  I apologized to her for not being a better mom.  I told her I missed her with every fiber of my being.  Grief is an interesting thing.  It has almost been six years since we lost her.  You would think that I wouldn't feel that ache in my heart and the pit of my stomach just like it was yesterday.  Don't get me wrong, I have days when I am okay.  I think about her many times during those days but the thoughts can come and go and I am okay.  For some reason, this week, my heart is aching like it was yesterday.  Maybe because it is a quiet memorial day this year where there isn't anywhere to be or anything to do, I am not sure.  I just know that in two days on the 27th, she would be 28 years old.  For me she will be forever 22 though.  Way too young to leave me and her dad here on this earth without her.  Since this pandemic has been the new way of life, I have wondered how she would have done with it.  In some ways I think she would have been fine because I know she liked her along and quiet time.  In other ways, I think she might have struggled because she definitely liked to be around friends also.  I will admit that I am a little jealous that she hasn't had to deal with the face mask thing.  That part would have been hard, she NEVER liked being told what to do.  On the other hand, she was definitely all about peace and serenity.  I wish that on the 27th, I could take off a half of day of work and go to lunch with her.  I wish I could go get a pedicure with her, I wish I could just see her smile.  I wish I could give her a hug and tell her I am sorry I wasn't a better mom.  Birthday's come and go but it is much more fun for everyone when the birthday girl is here.  Kami Harper, I miss you.  Happy Birthday to my baby girl.

Never Ending Battle

I have found that losing Kami to suicide leaves me feeling empty sometimes.    It is a battle some days to get up and function.  Some days are great. I can go several hours without thinking about her sometimes and sometimes I think about her every hour.   Just because it has been 1,995 days since we lost her (but who's counting), it still doesn't feel real.  I am a mom of a daughter but I can't call her and ask how her day was. I can't go shopping or get pedicures with her.  I can't go to lunch with her.  I can't cry with her.  I just can't.... When people ask how many kids I have, I always say 3.  As the conversation continues, her death comes into it and people either react or don't react because they don't know how to react.  I understand.  It's a tough subject.  It kills a conversation really quick. 
I went to a American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Leadership conference a few weeks ago.  It was surreal to be around 400 other people that have had suicide affect their life in one way or another.  We are all passionate about helping others so they don't have to go through what we have, but also wondering if what we are doing is making a difference.  I hope so.  It was nice to be around so many other's that knew what I was feeling.  Everyone goes through it differently and at their own pace but we know the general feeling of loss. 
I will once again chair the Denver Metro walk this year on September 19, 2020 at Coors Field.  I have done it for two years and said that was my limit but here I am again.  I was hoping someone would step up and co-chair this year to take over the event next year but so far no one has come forward.  It is a huge commitment.  One that shouldn't be taken lightly.  I am glad that I can do it.  I know that it helps so many people to come to the walk and support each other.  It is a heart wrenching day but also a healing day.  Some people come with a recent loss and are still working to get out of bed every day.  Some people have been years since their loss or attempt but can share that experience with those that are new to the club.  I am grateful that I can get out of bed and be the walk chair.  I am grateful that I can give hugs to those that need them. 
Everyone is struggling with something in their lives.  I just read a good book by Jane Clayson Johnson called Silent Souls Weeping.  She interviews people with depression, survivors of suicide, etc.  She herself has battled depression for years.  I found the chapter on suicide survivors hit so close to home.  A couple of mothers shared their stories of the different emotions that you go through, the loss, the pain, the anger, the guilt, the feelings of hopelessness as you watch your child suffer.  The feeling that you should have been able to save them, after all that was your child.  You are their protector.  You held their hand when they crossed the street, you taught them to look both ways as they got older.  You sat with white knuckles in the car gripping whatever you could find as you taught them how to drive.  You took pictures of her when she went to school dances, you cried with them when their hears were broken, you celebrated with them when they were happy.  What you couldn't do is save them.  It doesn't matter if it has been 1,995 days.  I still feel like that.  I miss her.  I wish I could hold grand kids from her.  I wish she could call me with questions about her babies.  I wish she would have had one "just like her" so that I could smile as they got older.  I can't.  Never will. 
I hope that I can help people by volunteering to bring awareness and sharing my story.  If I can, then it is a good day.