It is hard to believe that it has been almost five years since my first walk. I remember searching for answers and organizations that would help me understand what to do with my grief. I heard about many, went to a couple of parent support groups, but the one that I stuck with is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention or AFSP. I felt a kinship with other people in the group. I felt like I could make a difference by volunteering with AFSP. I needed to volunteer to be able to bring some sort of reason for living to my life.
I might have mentioned this in a previous post but I'm going to use it again. Erma Bombeck wrote an article entitled "The Special Mother", she talks about how God chose the mother of a disabled or "special needs" child. God discussed with the angels the qualities that he looked for in this particular mother. Happiness and patience being two important virtues for her. This makes total sense. My grandma had these qualities and raised my Aunt Janilee who was born with Down Syndrome to be the best Janilee she could be. My grandma was an angel.
When I am around other parents that have lost a child to suicide, there are certain things that stand out about us as well. I am not saying that we were chosen to be the parents of a child that died by suicide. No one in their right mind would choose this. There are a lot of circumstances, choices and mental health issues that happened to get our children to the point of despair where they chose to take their own lives. I am just saying that if you were in a room with a bunch of strangers, you could probably pick out the mother's of special needs children by their actions and their spirits. Likewise you could pick out parents that have lost a child to suicide. I see a sadness and emptiness in us. We all have broken hearts. Depending on the day, it might hurt so bad you are not sure how you are going to breath. Other days we are blessed with a happy memory or someone saying your child's name and asking how you are doing. There is a hope in our eyes that our other children and grandchildren will be OK and that no one else will ever have to face losing a child to suicide.
As I have stated in previous posts though, I wouldn't trade a moment on this earth where I got to be Kami's mom. Yes there were tears, struggles, screaming, heartache, happiness, pride, loneliness and all sorts of other emotions, but most of all love. My Heavenly Father trusted me to be Kami's mom on this earth. I thank him for that honor. Would I change anything? Absolutely, I think we would all change the way we parented our children. As we grow older, we realize that you really don't need to sweat the small stuff and which battles to pick. You don't have that knowledge when you are in the throws of raising your children. What I would do is take Kami's face between my hands and look her in the eyes and tell her that I love her no matter what. I would hug her and remember her face and her smile and I would have taken a lot more pictures had I known that I wouldn't be able to take them the rest of my life.
Tomorrow night, our family is doing the fantasy football draft. That is one of final memories I have of Kami. We did the draft just a couple of weeks before she died and she had a team. Kami was a competitor and hated to lose. Rumor has it she cheated in some games of Ligretto to make sure she didn't lose :). This is just one more time in my life where I wish Kami was here to cheat her way through fantasy football season or Ligretto, but she isn't. So I will walk on September 21, 2019 to bring awareness and support those other people that have lost loved ones to suicide.
It's the least I can do.
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