5 Years

It is hard to believe that it has been almost five years since my first walk.  I remember searching for answers and organizations that would help me understand what to do with my grief.  I heard about many, went to a couple of parent support groups, but the one that I stuck with is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention or AFSP.  I felt a kinship with other people in the group. I felt like I could make a difference by volunteering with AFSP.  I needed to volunteer to be able to bring some sort of reason for living to my life. 

I might have mentioned this in a previous post but I'm going to use it again.  Erma Bombeck wrote an article entitled "The Special Mother", she talks about how God chose the mother of a disabled or "special needs" child.  God discussed with the angels the qualities that he looked for in this particular mother.  Happiness and patience being two important virtues for her.  This makes total sense.  My grandma had these qualities and raised my Aunt Janilee who was born with Down Syndrome to be the best Janilee she could be.   My grandma was an angel. 

When I am around other parents that have lost a child to suicide, there are certain things that stand out about us as well.  I am not saying that we were chosen to be the parents of a child that died by suicide.  No one in their right mind would choose this.  There are a lot of circumstances, choices and mental health issues that happened to get our children to the point of despair where they chose to take their own lives.  I am just saying that if you were in a room with a bunch of strangers, you could probably pick out the mother's of special needs children by their actions and their spirits.  Likewise you could pick out parents that have lost a child to suicide.    I see a sadness and emptiness in us.   We all have broken hearts.  Depending on the day, it might hurt so bad you are not sure how you are going to breath.  Other days we are blessed with a happy memory or someone saying your child's name and asking how you are doing. There is a hope in our eyes that our other children and grandchildren will be OK and that no one else will ever have to face losing a child to suicide. 

As I have stated in previous posts though, I wouldn't trade a moment on this earth where I got to be Kami's mom.  Yes there were tears, struggles, screaming, heartache, happiness, pride, loneliness and all sorts of other emotions,  but most of all love.  My Heavenly Father trusted me to be Kami's mom on this earth.  I thank him for that honor.  Would I change anything?  Absolutely, I think we would all change the way we parented our children.   As we grow older, we realize that you really don't need to sweat the small stuff and which battles to pick.  You don't have that knowledge when you are in the throws of raising your children.  What I would do is take Kami's face between my hands and look her in the eyes and tell her that I love her no matter what.  I would hug her and remember her face and her smile and I would have taken a lot more pictures had I known that I wouldn't be able to take them the rest of my life. 

Tomorrow night, our family is doing the fantasy football draft.  That is one of final memories I have of Kami.  We did the draft just a couple of weeks before she died and she had a team.  Kami was a competitor and hated to lose.  Rumor has it she cheated in some games of Ligretto to make sure she didn't lose :).  This is just one more time in my life where I wish Kami was here to cheat her way through fantasy football season or Ligretto, but she isn't.  So I will walk on September 21, 2019 to bring awareness and support those other people that have lost loved ones to suicide. 

It's the least I can do.

Golden Birthday

Tomorrow on May 27, 2019 Kami would have been 27 years old.  It is actually memorial day as well.  Each year tugs at my heart but I think the fact the she would be 27 on the 27th, it is tugging at my heart even more.  It is so hard to believe that I have not seen her smile for almost 5 years and I have not heard her loud burps in that long.  That girl could out burp any man.  She was very proud of that quality.    All day long the words should have,  could have, would have, should of have been going through my mind. 

I should have been a better mom, I should have realized that Kami was on the verge of taking her life,  I should have been able to save her.  I should have enjoyed my kids more when they were kids instead of worrying if the house was clean.  I should have stepped in and really tried to get Kami away from Jeff.  I should have taken more pictures so that I could find those lost treasures and bring back the memories that each of those pictures represent. 

I could have been more understanding of Kami's free spirit.  I could have loved her more and argued less.  I could have spent more time with Kami doing things with her that meant a lot to her.  I could have learned to like Trevor Hall's music before she died so that I could have discussed it with her and not discovered that I liked it after she was gone.

Had I known that I was only going to get to spend 22 years with her, I would have made the most of them better, I would have done the things that I listed above, I would have been able to plan something special for her golden birthday tomorrow. 

There are so many should haves, could haves, and would haves in all of our lives.  Please learn to make the most of all of those moments and realize that each moment shouldn't be taken for granted.  Life is short.  Enjoy it.  Hug your daughters for me as often as possible and remember how lucky you are to have them by your side. 

Home is Where the Heart Is

After 21 years and 5 months we are moving.  We moved into this home the day after Thanksgiving day in 1998.  It has been a good place to raise a family.  The family is all gone now and we are "downsizing".  I have wanted to do this for several years but it took a while to get Bud on board.  He is finally on board.  We found a 3 bed 2 1/2 bath town home with no yard.  We will love that, the grand dogs, not so much.  As I have packed things away and spent time in each of the rooms that I very seldom wander into, I have realized that there are have been a lot of memories made here in this home.  We have sat on the stairs once a year, kicking and screaming usually, to take the dreaded family photo.  We will do that one last time before we move out next week.  We raised several lizards and birds in this home.  Some of them will stay with this home in the "cemetery" in the back yard or across the street in the green belt.  When we first moved here, my mother-in-law, Grandma Betty lived with us.  I didn't always appreciate her until she was gone.  She was a wonderful Grandma.  She was the geography/history queen.  When the kid's had questions about either of those subjects, they went right downstairs to Grandma.  She used to make Ritz crackers with ham and peanut butter (I know, right?  It sounds awful), the kids loved them.  Kami would go downstairs and Grandma Betty would let her take the food out of her cupboards and they would play store.  The things that you avoid as a parent, become treasured memories as a grandma.  When your kids are growing up, you worry about the messes, when you are a grandma, you live for those visits and messes.  You realize how short and quickly time passes.  Kami had several parakeets in this house.  She loved birds.  I honestly can't remember how many birds and lizards we have had over the years.  Good memories in this home.  There were some not so good memories here also.  I remember one night calling, trying to find Kami and waiting in the living room, looking out the window, praying that she would come home safely.  She eventually did.  She wasn't in the best condition, but she came home.  I remember fights, playing cards, cleaning, dancing, fixing hair, rearranging her room, getting ready for school dances, friends, lots of friends.  One memory that I really loved was feeding the kid's soccer teams.  They would have dinner together the night before a game.  One time, there was a girl on Kami's team that came over and she was petrified of birds.  She literally hid under the table.  By the end of the night, Kami had the bird sitting on this girl's shoulder.
I know where we are moving, we will make memories.  It will be nice to be in a smaller home and I have realized as we have given so much away, preparing for this move.  It is just stuff.  The memories can't be taken away.  We will move to our new home, build new memories, and buy more stuff. 
I will put Kami's picture back up and know that she will be there in spirit.  I wish she could be on the stairs for that one last picture.  I miss my baby girl.