"Without the dark, we'd never see the stars"

Kami has been on my mind non stop today.  I was reading through Kami's book of quotes this morning and read one that I have read several times but wanted to share it  "If death just meant leaving the stage long enough to change costumes and come back as a new character, would you slow down or speed up?  She left the stage much too soon.  A few more quotes from her book I wanted to share are: 
"Quit now, you'll never make it.  Disregard this advice and you'll be halfway there." ,
 "I am strong because I am weak, I am beautiful because I know my flaws, I am lover because I am a fighter, I am fearless because I have been afraid, I am wise, because I have been foolish and I can laugh because I've known sadness" 

 I think this book of quotes was Kami's way of expressing the pain and hopelessness that she felt at times. She also had quotes that expressed the good times.    Not all of the quotes were sad.  " The greatest barrier to success, is the fear of failure",  "Limitations are only in our minds, but if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless".  "The great thing about getting older is you don't lose all of the ages that you have been before then".  "I can resist anything but temptation".  

 Another quote that stood out to me especially today is: "A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic"  Kami's death was a tragedy.  Her death is also a statistic because of the way she died.  To me personally though, it is the tragedy that stands out and not the statistic.  

There is a song that comes on the radio by Passenger called "Let Her Go" and when it comes on,   my eyes fill up and sometimes flow over.

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know...

I knew that I loved her before I had to let her go but this song really touches my heart.  Love those around you a little more today, hug them a little tighter today, enjoy the bright sunshine on your face.  Tell them you love them.  
The final quote today is:
"Every man is guilty of the good he did not do"

Do some good!

1,069 Days

It has been 1,069  days since we lost Kami.  Almost 3 years.  Time has both flown by in some ways,   and dragged on in other ways since then.  I dread these anniversaries.  I have decided that I don't want to remember the 29th of August as the last day that Kami was alive on this earth.  I just want to remember May 27, 1992, the day she joined our family.  The being born part was such a joyous occasion and the leaving part was so sad.  I just want to remember Kami here.  It is still so hard to think of her being gone. 

 I think I have said before in blogs that I have not had many dreams about Kami since she died. When I do have them, I remember them with clarity.  I pray for these dreams all of the time and when I have them, I am so grateful.  A week or so ago, I had a dream about Kami and she looked so pretty and happy in the dream.  The funny part is that she was asking if I could help her make her car payment.  It was such a realistic dream because we bailed her out a time or two.  Normally we would make her pay her own way, but we did help her out with payments every once in a while.  In this dream, she was blond (if you knew Kami, she changed her hair color often).  She had curled her hair and it was so pretty.  She was very happy.  She was smiling and laughing and I was smiling and laughing with her.  She was realizing that she needed to get her **** together and make and keep her money so that she would have a car to drive.  It wasn't a long dream and I honestly don't remember any other parts of it than this.  I woke up the next morning smiling because I saw Kami.  I got to see her face, even if it was in a dream, I got to spend some time with my baby girl. If only in a dream.

 I have really been struggling lately seeing other mom's with their daughters.  I realize that I will never have that adult relationship with a daughter that grows up to get married and have children.  I won't get that phone call asking me what to do when her baby has a fever, ate something weird in the back yard, has a rash...I can't say that I would have had the answers but I sure would have liked to have that chance to try and answer those questions.  I hope August 29, 2017 passes without notice this year.  How I wish it didn't have any significance, and was just another day of the year.  In the mean time, I will just keep praying for those dreams.  If someone else dreams about Kami, please share that with me.  Every little dream helps.