Just about two years

It has almost been two years since I have seen Kami's smile.  I am not sure how to even express how I feel about that.  I went over to Utah to see family this past weekend because I am starting a new job on Monday and I know I won't be able to take much time off for a while.  For some reason I thought so much about Kami when I was over there.  I think because I have such good memories with her there.  She was still little while we lived there and I was still the center of her world.  I also see my aunts and cousins and their relationships with their daughters and it makes me realize what I don't have.  I have such a small family here and I realize that it is very lonely.  Now that my oldest took the grandkids and moved 5 hours away and my next one down is busy with his life and career as he should be, I realize I am not needed.  I have been put out to pasture.  I see my aunt and her kid's have so much to do with her and always are spending time with her.  I must have done something wrong as a mom.  If I had it to do over, I would have had more children and maybe the law of averages would be that I would be able to spend more time with them.  I know that most people that live in Utah, don't leave.  The families stay very close there and get together for most of the holiday's and just Sunday dinners, etc.  The older you get, the more you realize that all you have are memories and family when you leave this earth.  The material things just don't matter.
I will never be able to see what kind of mother Kami would have been and I will never be able to just hold her grandbabies.  It is such a difference with girls and their kids.  I have seen my friends and families and it really does make a difference to have a daughter.  She just appreciates her mom more and values her advice and wisdom.  Girls tend to gravitate towards their families and boys just follow along.  I will never know what it is like to get that call about someone's fever or do I think she should take her baby to the doctor....  I won't be able to look into her child's face and see Kami's eyes and smile and watch her try to reason with a child that is JUST LIKE HER.
I was so happy to have a little girl after two boys.  I love my boys just as much,  but it was nice to be able to dress a little girl up and play with girl toys.
I don't cry every day about losing Kami anymore but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt every day. There is an empty spot in my heart for the rest of my life.   You have to function in your life and you have to pretend that you are Okay and continue on. You can't curl up in a ball and avoid life as much as you want to.  Life as a mom is forever changed.  It is such a mixed blessing that Kami didn't become a mom.  I can't imagine Jeff being left to raise that child,  but I would have had a little piece of Kami to hold and love.  She is just gone.  Not coming back.  It hurts.