The Empty Chair

The Holiday's are hard.  I don't write as often as I used to but I wanted to share how I have been feeling these past few weeks.    We have an empty chair at Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It used to be filled by my baby girl.  This is the baby girl that I waited so many years for.  I was finally going to be able to look at pink things.  I could go on the barbie aisle.  Kami didn't let me down.  She was  girly girl for the first few years of her life.  She would only wear dresses until she was about 5.  I look at her pictures of her white blond hair when she was little and her mischievous grin and my heart aches to hold her and hear her laugh.  

 The last few years of her life were tough ones. She challenged us as parents.   As a mom, you try so hard to be your children's everything.  When they are little, you feed and clothe them.  You watch over and protect them.  You take their hand when they cross the street, you put them in their car seats to keep them safe while driving.  You watch them closely when they are playing in the park.  You teach them to brush their teeth, make their bed, keep their room clean, play nicely with others, share, be a good person.  As they grow into teenagers, you have to let that grip loosen a little and hope that what you have taught them will be remembered.   

When you loosen that grip and see your child making choices that you know will bring them pain, it is so hard to not lock them in a room and throw away the key.   We tried everything we could to redirect  choices, grounding, taking phones away, blocking certain people from her phone, etc.  The more we pushed, the more she pulled.  She was very headstrong.  That is part of what I loved and cherished about her personality but at times that could be very frustrating.  

I had a good friend tell me that she had a son that was struggling and one day she found herself praying again about her son and she was asking God to "make him make good choices".  She said she just started to laugh when she realized how that sounded.  You can't make anyone make a choice.  That is why we have free agency, like it or not.

We shed so many tears over Kami, both happy and sad.  We supported her talent as a soccer player, supported her in dance recitals, applauded her leadership skills and let her know that we were proud of her. We loved her unconditionally as any parent loves a child.  

Never in my wildest dreams as I held her hand, hugged her, loved her, did I think I would outlive her. I should have been able to save her, I'm the mom.  People can tell you that it isn't your fault, but if you are a mom, you will understand. It is your job to protect your children.   I couldn't hold her hand, as she crossed  those ever widening streets.  I wanted to stop her when I knew that she was putting herself in danger.  We told her to come home, that we loved her and everything would be OK.  We wanted her in that chair.  No matter what, I can't turn back time.  

I pray everyday that my Heavenly Father will wrap her in his arms and tell her how much I love and miss her and hope she is happy now.  I would give anything to be able to do that myself.  

When Kami died, I had a good friend who was dying from an awful disease.  She called me to tell me she was sorry that she couldn't make it over for the funeral.  She said, "you know it is interesting, she didn't want to live anymore and I wish I had more time".  She also said that if she got to the other side before me, she would tell Kami that I loved her and then she would "beat the #*&% out of her".  That made both of us laugh.  I miss Jackie.  

Make sure that each of you take the time to hug everyone taking space in a chair this Christmas.  You never know when it could be an empty one.

Another walk at Coors Field

Saturday the 24th will be the Out of Darkness walk for suicide awareness and prevention.  Last year we had about 60 people walking on Team Remember Kami.  This year I wasn't even going to have a team because I am the co-chair of the logistics committee and I will be running around getting things ready for the walk and cleaning up after the walk.  We have about 20 people walking on Kami's team this year.  I am so grateful for the support that we continue to get for Kami.  I think about her all day long every day.  Other people don't have to.  They go on with their lives as they should.  I really do appreciate when someone talks about Kami.  I miss her.  I don't want her to be forgotten.  Please remember Kami.

You would think....

You would think that after two years my heart wouldn't hurt so much.  This has been a tough week.  I have been thinking about that smile non-stop.  I have cried more tears this past few days than I have in months.
I dream about trying to find her and I can't.  I keep looking from room to room and I can't find her anywhere.
I look at other mom's with their daughters and my heart literally, physically aches.  I feel cheated.
I am happy for others that have that daughter to lean on their shoulder or hug them.  Last week I sat behind a mom and her daughter at church.  The daughter had long blond hair and the mom was just playing with her hair.  This was a grown up daughter.  Just a little younger than Kami would be.  I was envious of that mom.  She doesn't know how lucky she is to have that blond hair to play with.
If I had it to do over, I would have played with her hair alot more, I would have smelled her to remember her smell, I would have taken so many more pictures.  Make sure you do these things.  You never know.  Never in a million years did I think that I would be the mother of a daughter who took her life by suicide.  Never in a million years did I know that a heart could literally be broken.
This is a depressing post but it is exactly how I feel.  I miss my baby girl.

Just about two years

It has almost been two years since I have seen Kami's smile.  I am not sure how to even express how I feel about that.  I went over to Utah to see family this past weekend because I am starting a new job on Monday and I know I won't be able to take much time off for a while.  For some reason I thought so much about Kami when I was over there.  I think because I have such good memories with her there.  She was still little while we lived there and I was still the center of her world.  I also see my aunts and cousins and their relationships with their daughters and it makes me realize what I don't have.  I have such a small family here and I realize that it is very lonely.  Now that my oldest took the grandkids and moved 5 hours away and my next one down is busy with his life and career as he should be, I realize I am not needed.  I have been put out to pasture.  I see my aunt and her kid's have so much to do with her and always are spending time with her.  I must have done something wrong as a mom.  If I had it to do over, I would have had more children and maybe the law of averages would be that I would be able to spend more time with them.  I know that most people that live in Utah, don't leave.  The families stay very close there and get together for most of the holiday's and just Sunday dinners, etc.  The older you get, the more you realize that all you have are memories and family when you leave this earth.  The material things just don't matter.
I will never be able to see what kind of mother Kami would have been and I will never be able to just hold her grandbabies.  It is such a difference with girls and their kids.  I have seen my friends and families and it really does make a difference to have a daughter.  She just appreciates her mom more and values her advice and wisdom.  Girls tend to gravitate towards their families and boys just follow along.  I will never know what it is like to get that call about someone's fever or do I think she should take her baby to the doctor....  I won't be able to look into her child's face and see Kami's eyes and smile and watch her try to reason with a child that is JUST LIKE HER.
I was so happy to have a little girl after two boys.  I love my boys just as much,  but it was nice to be able to dress a little girl up and play with girl toys.
I don't cry every day about losing Kami anymore but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt every day. There is an empty spot in my heart for the rest of my life.   You have to function in your life and you have to pretend that you are Okay and continue on. You can't curl up in a ball and avoid life as much as you want to.  Life as a mom is forever changed.  It is such a mixed blessing that Kami didn't become a mom.  I can't imagine Jeff being left to raise that child,  but I would have had a little piece of Kami to hold and love.  She is just gone.  Not coming back.  It hurts.

Justice for Kami

Last week, we stood up for Kami.  Her voice can no longer be heard, but there were people willing to speak for her.  On August 21, 2014, Kami was beat very badly by her husband. This wasn't the first time.  We had seen signs of it and had told her to come home on several occasions. 


Jeff is an evil, vindictive person, but Kami didn't see that.  She was blinded by his promises and manipulative words.  She didn't know Jeff for very long before they got married and he was 20 years older than her.  No matter how much we tried to get Kami to see that it wasn't a good choice, if you have read my previous posts, you know she had a mind of her own.  Once we knew that Kami was going to go through with marrying him anyway, we embraced him.  We knew that Kami loved him and there must have been something that she saw in him that we weren't seeing.    We knew that the only way to see Kami, was if we made him part of our family and for some unknown reason, Kami loved him. 


Kami made some very poor choices during her high school years that led her to be in the same circles as someone like Jeff.  She had so much potential and life in her, despite some of her choices, until she met him.  He dragged her into a dark and drug infested world. He had a fiancé 10 years before he met Kami that had died by suicide as well.  Another person he made feel like there was no way out.  Kami might have pulled the trigger on August 28th, but if he wasn't there with her, he might as well have been.


I was contacted by the Denver District Attorney about 2 months after Kami passed away.  I got a phone call on my cell phone looking for Kami Harper Rodocker.  As I listened to the message, it shook my very being to the core.  My stomach was in knots.  I called her back and she didn't answer so the next day I called her again and received an answer.  Her name was Jenny.  She wanted me to know that Jeff had been arrested for the domestic violence case. (There had been a warrant out for his arrest since that night).   I explained to her that Kami had died by suicide and was no longer with us.  I asked her questions about the case and she told me that he was going to be seen in front of the judge that morning.  I told her that I knew it wouldn't bring Kami back but if she could "make his life a little uncomfortable" that would be ok.  She took it to heart and stood up for Kami. The case was turned over to Emily.  Emily got to know Kami and as her colleagues stated, this case was her baby.  She will never know how much that meant to us.  For the next year and a half, we were kept abreast of everything going on.  There were court case times set and postponed, and finally on May 3, 2016, we went to court.  The State of Colorado vs. Jeff Rodocker for domestic violence.

Bud and I were both subpeoned to  testify on Kami's behalf.  Because of the circumstances of Kami not being there, we had to be careful what we said as to not create "heresay".  My aunt Marian flew over (Kami's other mom) and I had several good friends as well as  Kami's dear friends, Sam and Elisha to support us in court.  Bud and I couldn't be in the court room because we were testifying, but we had many ears and eyes.  The first day of the trial the officer that had been first to respond was there, Officer Munk.  During his testimony he said something to the affect that was considered here say and the judge should have sustained the objection but she didn't.  Long story short, she declared a mistrial.  Emily and Bree (the other DA rockstar) came in to tell us what was going on and that it could be up to 3 months before we could go to trial again but the judge felt bad and was going to see what she could do to make it happen the next day.  (Did I mention that we had many people praying for us??? Those prayers were answered).  Somehow they were able to make it work and it was scheduled for the next day.
Wednesday the 4th we were back in court.  Officer Munk couldn't be there, but his partner Officer Juarez was there and the paramedic that had treated her testified as well.  Then it was Bud's turn.  I understand he did awesome.  I was still out in the hallway waiting for my turn.  I can't tell you the emotions that went through my head and heart those two days.  I didn't want to relive what had happened that day, but knew I could do it for Kami.  When the paramedic came out after testifying, he stopped and I thanked him.  He looked at me and just said, I want to give you a hug.  He will never know what that meant to me.


The overwhelming thought of seeing Jeff was what I most feared.  I don't know that fear was the right word but I definitely didn't want to see him.  We had been called into the courtroom the day before when the mistrial was announced and the judge was trying to rearrange her schedule.  I saw the back of his head and the side.  I never looked him in the face.  Everyone had told us how old and awful he looked. I thought he looked old and awful when Kami was alive... He didn't look so tough.  By the time Kami died, she was 5 foot 8 and weighed about 100 pounds.  He is a sad excuse for a person.

When I was called to testify, I was an emotional basket case.  It was scary, I had never been in a court room and it isn't like TV!!!  There were 6 jurors sitting across from me.  Three men and three women.  I told the story of the last night with Kami.  We couldn't say anything about how she died.  I will admit that I cried and it was very tough to get through it.  After I testified another detective testified and then they gave their closing arguments.  Emily and Bree were awesome.  They kept referring to Kami as a woman.  It really struck me hard.  To me, she was the little girl that sat on my lap and I read to, I did her hair, we went shopping together, I drove her to soccer practice, and games, I cried over her, I cried with her, I held her,  I love her with all my heart.
The defense lawyer gave his closing arguments and kept trying to say that Jeff should be aquitted.  The jury took maybe 20 minutes to find Jeff guilty.  After the case ended the jury went out in to the hall.  I wish I could have gone out there and shook everyone of their hands.  They had some questions, one of them being "how did Kami die".  We gave our permission for the judge to share that with them.   Jeff  will be sentenced June 18th. 


As they took him out in handcuffs, my heart was aching, I felt numb.  Kami wasn't coming back, there really is no winner but I was glad that he was found guilty. 


He is in jail for another case as well, 11 counts against him, kidnapping, sexual assault, felony menace, narcotics, marijuana, failure to appear, etc.  For Kami, the most he can get is 3 years, for this other case, it will be years in prison.  I only wish we could have gotten him off the streets before he hurt someone else. 


I just want Emily, Bree and Angela (the victim's) advocate to know how grateful we are to them for making Kami  "their baby", after all she was my baby and they helped her have a voice.

Pieces of my heart

Last month knicked a few more pieces from my heart.  My oldest son and his wife moved 5 hours away and darnit they took my three grandbabies with them.  He told us in December but it seemed further away.  My little Lizzie, Mini Mel, and T.  I am so tired of loss.  I know they are still within a driveable distance but it is still a distance.  First Kami and now my oldest.  I have one child left in the area and I'm not sure if he will stay here or not.  I know you are supposed to raise your children and encourage them to leave the nest but I want them to build a nest close by.  I have a small family anyway and to have them move is heart wrenching.  I called and talked to the grandbabies last night and Melody asked me when I was coming, how many days till I come, how many nights will I sleep there and how many days will I be there.  I LOVE THEM.  I worship the ground they walk on and they worship the ground I walk on.  I have told many people that being a grandma is like being queened in checkers, you can jump over the parents and say yes to everything.  I was telling someone today that I wished Kami would have had a child just to leave a little piece of her behind.  Someone that looks like her.  When I think of her, really think about her, I get choked up and my heart actually aches.  I have heard the term heartache before but normally in country western songs.  I honestly can say that I know what real heartache is.  I miss her.

461

461, that is how many days it has been since Kami took her life.  When she took her life, she took a big piece of mine also.  The holidays are a tough time because when the family is gathered around, we have one empty place.  I keep praying that I will be able to dream about her, feel her spirit near me.  I must be doing something wrong because I have only had one dream that I can really remember and it was a fleeting moment many months ago.  Being a mother is all I ever wanted to be.  I didn't need all those initials behind my name, no PHD, just MOM.  I looked forward to the day that my daughter and I could just hang out and enjoy each other's company. 


A couple of weeks ago, our oldest son called and said he is moving to Montrose, CO.  He is taking my 3 grandchildren whom I adore and love with all my heart and moving 5 hours away.  I cried, couldn't sleep that night.  I realize he needs to do what is best for his family but one more loss in my life is just tough to take.  I know I can drive to see them but 5 hours vs. 5 miles takes a lot more planning. 


I keep plugging along, just get up each morning and press on.  That is all you can do.  Who knows where I will be in another 461 days.  We will have to wait and see.  It doesn't get easier, I don't think that is the word, it just get's further away from the time you last saw her.  She is my baby girl, my only daughter, always will be.  Hopefully 2016 will be a better year.