There but for the grace of god...

I went to a funeral this morning.  It was for a young man that took his life a week ago.  He was 26 years old.  His older brother had taken his life 10 weeks ago.  This poor family is still mourning their first son's death and now they are having to deal with a second son.  My heart aches for this family, I can not think of anything that would test my faith more.  Watching that mom and dad walk out behind the casket was heart wrenching.  The whole family looked numb.  I kept thinking about Kami's funeral the entire time I was there and wondering to myself, was she at this funeral with me?  I want to believe that Kami is with me.  I have found myself in the last couple of weeks talking to her.  When my aunt and cousin were over her for the anniversary of Kami's death and we hiked in Rocky Mountain National Park.  I prayed to my Heavenly Father to let me feel Kami near me.  I felt such an overwhelming feeling of her being there with me.  She loved the mountains.  She always said that for her being in the mountains was like me attending church.  She felt at peace there.  I felt at peace there with her.  I long for those moments of peace.  I cherish them.  I live for the time that I will see Kami again and be able to throw my arms around her and tell her how much I love and miss her. 
Take time to do that to your children.  Make sure to let them know.  I wish I would have let Kami know more often how much I love her.  I hope she knows now.  My heart hurts for the Berryman's and I pray that I will never know what it feels like to lose two children. 

Firsts

Well, I made it through the year of first's.  First birthday, first mother's day, first Kami's birthday, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first year since her death.  I don't know whether to be glad they are over or just realize that now there will be seconds, then thirds, etc.  It will never be the same.  There is an empty spot in our family at all gatherings, family pictures, fantasy football to name just a few.  I feel like I am numb some days.  I think I should be doing better than I am but I really don't like to be around crowds, I am ok being alone, I am depressed and know it.  Not depressed enough to do what Kami did, but just depressed.  Yesterday I went to a baby shower and as I followed the directions to get there, it was right near where Kami killed herself at the Holiday Inn.  As I got off the freeway to head to the home, I got a little panicky and just about turned around. At the baby shower, I looked at all of the young mom's and remembered how darn happy I was when I finally had that baby girl.  I never in a million years thought I would have to give her up before I died.  She was supposed to take care of me when I got old!  We were supposed to become best friends as she got older.  I'm lonely for that.  I especially have been having a hard time around people that have that.  I am envious, I will be honest. 


When I drive on I-225 I have a hard time because that is where the hospital was located where she went after she overdosed and when she had her seizure.  I associate making that drive with being on that freeway.  It's easier now but it is still something I think about each and every time I pull onto 225. I know as time passes these things will become easier but right now they are still hard.


There was another mother I have met  through this new club I belong to, and her 28 year old son killed himself in July.  I heard late Thursday night that her 26 year old son killed himself using the same gun.  I can't even begin to feel what this mom is going through.  Please keep the Berryman family in your prayers.  I keep thinking of that scripture that says you won't be given more than you can handle.  Who judges what you can handle because that seems very unfair. 


I have just come to accept that this is my life now.  Happiness hopefully will return someday.  Joy comes in spurts, especially when I am with the grandkids.  They are the reason to keep on going.  I want to build memories with them and be there for them as they grow up.  I love them with all my heart and just having them walk in the door or me walking in theirs as they run up and throw their little arms around me melts my heart.  They are happy, this is what I depend on each time I see them. 


I love my boys and want them to be happy, my biggest fear is that something like this family above would happen in our family.  I've lost a brother, a daughter.  Please don't take anymore.  Let them be happy, loved and successful. 


We are coming up on the Denver AFSP walk.  There is a lot of support for Kami and our family.  I am trying really hard to put the energy into this walk that I did the first one.  It is a much needed organization and I need to get more involved.  Maybe now that I have this first year under my belt I can do that.  When she first died, I wanted to be involved any way possible to prevent others from going through this.  I still want that, I just didn't realize how much energy it would take.  I need to find that energy and get moving.  The busier I stay, the less I think.....