Happy Birthday to me!

Yesterday was my birthday.  I won't tell you how many times I have turned 29 but it's been more than one.  I was really surprised at what a rough day it was.  We all get older, that is a part of life, you aren't going to stop that.  All day long, I kept thinking about last year on my birthday.  I asked my family if we could all just go out to dinner as a family with everyone there.  That is what we did.  We went to Chili's and Kami and Jeff came along with Dan, April, the grandbabies, Ryan and Bud.  If you are a mom, you can just imagine what a great day this was.  We ate, laughed, enjoyed good food and good company.  Kami picked up the check at the end of the night even though we argued about it.  All day yesterday, I kept seeing her face at the table interacting with the family and I felt such a loss.  It wasn't her birthday, I expect to feel sad on her birthday but I didn't expect this on mine. 
I had so many people wish me a Happy Birthday and everyone was very respectful of my feelings.  I had someone drop by with a diet coke with rabbit pellet ice and we talked and cried for a half hour.  She just listened and gave me hugs.  Thank you Patty! 


This year we met during my lunch hour at Chick Fil A (because it has a playground) over by my work.  Dan, April, Lizzie, Melody, Torsten, Ryan, Bud and myself.    We had a great time, the kids were awesome and loved the playground.  As I was getting in my car to go back to work, it hit me.  Because we are a soccer family, every analogy that we make is usually related to the game of soccer.  Our family has been given a lifetime "RED" card.  We are playing a man down for the rest of this life.  It is noticeable and tough on the whole team.  We can't wait until she can come off the bench and be part of our team again.  We miss her. 

HOPE

There have been many things over the past couple of weeks that have given me hope.  The sunshine here in this great state of Colorado is one of them.  Talks in church, friends checking in on me, seeing my grandkids smiles, still having people tell me that they are praying for our family, helping someone else going through a similar pain.  We all need hope. 
Somehow Kami lost hope.  I don't know how or at what point along the way but in order to do what she did, she must have lost hope.  This is a tough world we live in and we can be dragged down by the everyday parts of it.  I don't care who you are, there are times in everybody's lives that they become overwhelmed and can feel hopeless.  Fortunately for most people these are fleeting moments and we can all get back up but for some, they get in that pit of despair and they don't see a rope to get out even though it's there, it just might be in the shadows.    Right after Kami died, I was in that pit.  Thankfully I could see the rope, I didn't use it right away but I did see it.  I am hopeful that I will see Kami again, I am hopeful that people will see that this was a permanent decision to a temporary problem and if they find themselves in the same circumstances, they will figure out how to just get by with a temporary decision.  Life is full of choices, make wise ones. 
I hope this blog will help someone, I know it has helped me and as I have looked back over them, I can see where I was in the pit.  I spent a lot of times on my knees this past few months.  Every single day, I pray that Kami will know how much I love and miss her and to please take care of her until I can see her again.  I hope she feels that love.  I hope she is at peace!