The old saying "Time flies when you are having fun" has a new meaning for me. Time just flies whether you are having fun or not. I have really had a rough couple of weeks, don't know why. Just very emotional. If I see something or hear something reminds me of Kami, I have a physical ache in my heart. I never knew you could miss someone this bad. I keep thinking that there is something more that I could have done, that I should have done more to stop her.
Kami never talked about taking her own life. Up until the point when she overdosed on those pills, the thought had never even crossed my mind. Kami had a lot of issues but threatening suicide was not one that she had shown to us. I keep imagining what her last few days must have been like for her. She must have felt so alone and like she had no where to turn. I keep thinking about the fact that I wish she would have felt like she could call me or come home. I thought that I had given her that impression but I must not have.
I think the thing that hurts the most is that everyone has gone on with their lives, as they should. It wasn't there daughter that died. I just feel like Kami is being forgotten. I don't want her forgotten. I want her life to have meant something. I wish I could see her and ask her questions about how she was feeling. I feel lost not having the answers. I am hanging on by a thin thread.
I was thinking about it driving to work this morning, it doesn't hurt less as time goes by, it just hurts differently. You have come to the knowledge that they really are gone, they aren't going to come through that door. The next time you will see them is when you leave others behind and they will deal with the loss of you here on this earth. People say it will get easier as time passes. I don't think that easier is the right word. I'm not sure what is, maybe accepting is the right word. Accepting that this is the way it is now. You don't like it but you accept it. Don't forget my Kami, please talk about her with me. She is not the elephant in the room, she is my daughter and I love and miss her.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Happy New Year-Thank Goodness
Well, we made it to 2015. I feel like I have hiked a tall mountain and now I am at the top and not sure how I got here or what I need to do next. As I stated in an earlier blog, it was all I could do to put a Christmas tree up. The closer it got to Christmas Eve, the sadder I got. Knowing that everyone would be there for dinner and to play games was tough. Kami got so excited about Christmas and I had promised her we would do fondue again this year since we didn't last year and she was so sad about it. We didn't do fondue, we barbequed steaks and they were delicious. The food was great, we had invited another family over and they really helped. I appreciate the Thorderson's for being so supportive to us that night and so much fun. The family tradition of Ligretto continued but Lexy Thorderson kicked our booty's. She took pity on us and even let Ryan catch up a little, I was so far behind, we would have needed to play to next Christmas Eve for me to catch up.
A week before Christmas, I contacted the people that had adopted Kami's dog Cyrus; I asked if we could go over and see him. Up to that point, I just had not been ready. You see the day that Cyrus left with them, was the day after she died and that was the last living piece of Kami that we had. It ripped my heart out to see him leave but the situation was such that he needed to go. When we got to their house and walked in, Cyrus came running in. He definitely remembered us, especially Bud who had spent the most time with him. We took him a toy which he wouldn't let go of. He sings with his new owner's as they play the harmonica. Diane told me that he actually sounds like he is talking sometimes and I had forgotten that Kami used to talk with him. She said a couple of days after he got to their house he was laying on the kitchen floor and she looked at him and said, "Did he forget to let you outside, do you need to go? Cyrus looked at her and honestly said NOOOOO!" They had a laser pointer that he chases around, he had found a dead squirrel on their walk that morning and carried it for two blocks back home and wouldn't let it go. They had to get him interested in something else when they got back to get rid of the dead varmint. He is happy. We stayed for quite a while and played with him and when we got up to leave, you could have knitted a sweater from the hair on both of us. I'm guessing that Kami can see how loved he is and is happy about where he is. Cyrus was a big part of Kami's life and now he is a big part of the Coons family's lives. Thank goodness for small blessings.
Christmas is over, the tree is down, life moves on. I would give anything I have and my own life to have Kami back with us but I know that is not possible. I need to continue to figure out how to live my life on this earth but be able to feel Kami's spirit with our family. If someone can help me do that, I would appreciate it.
A week before Christmas, I contacted the people that had adopted Kami's dog Cyrus; I asked if we could go over and see him. Up to that point, I just had not been ready. You see the day that Cyrus left with them, was the day after she died and that was the last living piece of Kami that we had. It ripped my heart out to see him leave but the situation was such that he needed to go. When we got to their house and walked in, Cyrus came running in. He definitely remembered us, especially Bud who had spent the most time with him. We took him a toy which he wouldn't let go of. He sings with his new owner's as they play the harmonica. Diane told me that he actually sounds like he is talking sometimes and I had forgotten that Kami used to talk with him. She said a couple of days after he got to their house he was laying on the kitchen floor and she looked at him and said, "Did he forget to let you outside, do you need to go? Cyrus looked at her and honestly said NOOOOO!" They had a laser pointer that he chases around, he had found a dead squirrel on their walk that morning and carried it for two blocks back home and wouldn't let it go. They had to get him interested in something else when they got back to get rid of the dead varmint. He is happy. We stayed for quite a while and played with him and when we got up to leave, you could have knitted a sweater from the hair on both of us. I'm guessing that Kami can see how loved he is and is happy about where he is. Cyrus was a big part of Kami's life and now he is a big part of the Coons family's lives. Thank goodness for small blessings.
Christmas is over, the tree is down, life moves on. I would give anything I have and my own life to have Kami back with us but I know that is not possible. I need to continue to figure out how to live my life on this earth but be able to feel Kami's spirit with our family. If someone can help me do that, I would appreciate it.
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