Last weekend, I did a Hike for Hope for Kami. It was a small intimate walk in Pleasant Grove, Utah up to some beautiful waterfalls. Marian came with me and we brought Bailey and Addie. It is always interesting to be around other people that have lost someone to suicide. There is a pain that is so deep that you can see in their eyes. It doesn't matter how many days, weeks, months, years it has been. The large hole in your heart is a part of you. Something that will never go away. I have really noticed it this year, especially on Mother's Day. I see so many mom's that do things with their daughters and daughters that were visiting them in church. I will never have that. I will not be able to go on trips with Kami, get to know her as a true adult, know her kids' my unborn grandchildren. See what she could have been as a professional. I can't share simple things, like floating in a pool, taking the dogs for walks. Forwarding a funny meme to her. My baby girl is gone from this life. My little girl that used to have green hair at the end of the summer from swimming so much having such blond hair. It usually took until December to turn back to her blond hair.
I have started a new chapter in my life and love living in St. George. I love the weather, the beautiful country. I have realized that I don't need a man in my life to feel complete. Especially a man that never acted like a husband anyway and put so much of the financial burden on me. I'm glad to only be responsible for me. A man that lied so much that he didn't even know what the truth was and I was too tired to find the truth. Now that I know the truth, I am stunned, hurt, disappointed, baffled, but mostly grateful that I am divorced from him and able to move on with my life.
Our lives are a constant change and that we can be sure of. I have found the I am a strong person, I don't always want to be, but I have been forced to be. I can do hard things, I have family and friends that support and love me. I don't have any choice but to move forward. I am grateful for my sons and grandkids. They are my whole heart. They help fill in around the HOLE in my heart. I am a lucky mom and Grandma to have them. The lord still blesses me, just in different ways. Sometimes I have to really look for those blessings and other times, I am able to see them through my mortal eyes.
Kami Ann Harper would have been 32 on Monday the 27th of May, what I wouldn't give to give her a birthday hug and tell her how much I love her. PLEASE give your kids an extra hug on Monday. Kami I miss you with all my being.
