I was out to dinner with a friend last night and she asked me why I don't blog anymore. I really don't have a good answer other than I have not taken the time. Sometimes I don't have the time, but mostly it is that I just don't take the time. The other morning I took Ollie outside early in the morning to use the outdoor facilities and I saw a tree out there that was half green leaves and half yellow leaves. I stood there and thought, the seasons have come and gone since Kami left and yet I still feel like I am caught in between the green and yellow leaves. I was thinking to myself, I need to write about this and having her ask me why I don't blog anymore, made me start this post.
There were so many scenarios that came to mind as I stood there thinking about Kami. I feel like everyone has gone on with their lives and probably think about her occasionally when something happens to remind them of her. I think about her every single day, several times throughout the day. I feel like I am in between the two worlds like the tree is in between colors. I see moms who are hanging out with their adult daughters and their grandchildren and I wonder what kind of a mom would she have been. Would she have a daughter "just like her"?
Because of the pandemic this year, the walk at Coors Field that I have been the walk chair over for the past 3 years could not take place under regular circumstances. We scrambled and tried to figure out how to do something other than virtual. Other areas around the country came up with some different ideas as well. We decided to make it a drive through event in the mile long parking lot. Even though everyone had to wear masks and gloves if something was handed between the outside and inside of a vehicle, it was not virtual. You could look into someone's eyes and feel their pain. It was a very different event in the fact that you couldn't reach out and give anyone a hug or even touch their hand. Suicide is a very isolating subject. You feel isolated being left behind and I am sure the person that dies by suicide feels isolated and that is one of the factors that led them to that decision. The pandemic has isolated so many people. Even people that normally don't face depression and anxiety are facing it now. For those of us that faced it before, it can be devastating.
I am not sure how much longer the pandemic will keep us isolated but I do know that for the rest of my life, I feel isolated from certain things, and people. I am caught in between those yellow and green leaves. Right after I lost Kami, I remember thinking the first time that I smiled and felt happy, I should not be smiling. I had to get over that and realize that yes, my life will go on with or without my Kami.
Ready or not the leaves are changing at least for some people.
