I have learned several things since Kami died by suicide, but recently there have been a couple of thing's that I wanted to share.
First, everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Some people lay in bed and try to figure out how they are going to get up the next day without their loved one there. Some people move get back to their regularly scheduled life because they are afraid that if they don't, they will join their loved one. Some people don't like to talk about it. Some people talk about it constantly. Some people become alone and don't want to deal with anyone. Some people become lonely because they don't want to deal with anyone. The fact is, there is no right or wrong way. Everyone goes at their own pace and in their own way. What works for some, doesn't work for others. The only thing that everyone has in common is that they lost a loved one to suicide. I know that everyone that is touched by it that I have met, has said they wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone. It is a deep, gut wrenching, lonely pain. It will hit you when you least expect it. On the other hand, there are happy memories that hit you when you least expect it. I notice that when I am outside on a nice sunny day, with a little breeze blowing, I think of how much Kami loved to be outside. She loved the mountains. She loved to swing. Even as an adult she would swing. I will walk down to the school playground with the grandkids and push them on the swing (thank goodness two of them are big enough to pump the swings themselves now!) Almost every time, my Lizzie will say "Aunt Kami loved to swing didn't she Grandma Lori". It always makes me smile. They were so young when Kami died that they really don't remember much about her. My grandson was only 1 when she died and doesn't remember her at all. It's the memories that keep you going, keep you smiling. Those precious pieces of Kami that I don't want them to forget, that I don't want to forget.
I recently told someone that I think about Kami every single day, several times a day and she is always the last thing I think about at night. I pray that I can see her in a dream, just feel her spirit and see her smile.
The other thing that I have learned is that the trauma of losing child to suicide is that your mind is affected. I recently talked to a mom that lost her son last year on Father's day. I was telling her that not only was I getting old and forgetful but that I feel like I forget more since Kami died. This could be a self protection mechanism. Some things you don't want to remember so you just forget everything. Your mind is a beautiful thing, memories are a beautiful thing. Sometimes you want to remember and other times you just wish you could forget. I used to say that with each pregnancy I lost brain cells and I have heard other mom's say the same. I will say that of all the thing's I've lost, I miss my mind and Kami the most!
