The Holiday's are hard. I don't write as often as I used to but I wanted to share how I have been feeling these past few weeks. We have an empty chair at Thanksgiving and Christmas. It used to be filled by my baby girl. This is the baby girl that I waited so many years for. I was finally going to be able to look at pink things. I could go on the barbie aisle. Kami didn't let me down. She was girly girl for the first few years of her life. She would only wear dresses until she was about 5. I look at her pictures of her white blond hair when she was little and her mischievous grin and my heart aches to hold her and hear her laugh.
The last few years of her life were tough ones. She challenged us as parents. As a mom, you try so hard to be your children's everything. When they are little, you feed and clothe them. You watch over and protect them. You take their hand when they cross the street, you put them in their car seats to keep them safe while driving. You watch them closely when they are playing in the park. You teach them to brush their teeth, make their bed, keep their room clean, play nicely with others, share, be a good person. As they grow into teenagers, you have to let that grip loosen a little and hope that what you have taught them will be remembered.
When you loosen that grip and see your child making choices that you know will bring them pain, it is so hard to not lock them in a room and throw away the key. We tried everything we could to redirect choices, grounding, taking phones away, blocking certain people from her phone, etc. The more we pushed, the more she pulled. She was very headstrong. That is part of what I loved and cherished about her personality but at times that could be very frustrating.
I had a good friend tell me that she had a son that was struggling and one day she found herself praying again about her son and she was asking God to "make him make good choices". She said she just started to laugh when she realized how that sounded. You can't make anyone make a choice. That is why we have free agency, like it or not.
We shed so many tears over Kami, both happy and sad. We supported her talent as a soccer player, supported her in dance recitals, applauded her leadership skills and let her know that we were proud of her. We loved her unconditionally as any parent loves a child.
Never in my wildest dreams as I held her hand, hugged her, loved her, did I think I would outlive her. I should have been able to save her, I'm the mom. People can tell you that it isn't your fault, but if you are a mom, you will understand. It is your job to protect your children. I couldn't hold her hand, as she crossed those ever widening streets. I wanted to stop her when I knew that she was putting herself in danger. We told her to come home, that we loved her and everything would be OK. We wanted her in that chair. No matter what, I can't turn back time.
I pray everyday that my Heavenly Father will wrap her in his arms and tell her how much I love and miss her and hope she is happy now. I would give anything to be able to do that myself.
When Kami died, I had a good friend who was dying from an awful disease. She called me to tell me she was sorry that she couldn't make it over for the funeral. She said, "you know it is interesting, she didn't want to live anymore and I wish I had more time". She also said that if she got to the other side before me, she would tell Kami that I loved her and then she would "beat the #*&% out of her". That made both of us laugh. I miss Jackie.
Make sure that each of you take the time to hug everyone taking space in a chair this Christmas. You never know when it could be an empty one.
