461, that is how many days it has been since Kami took her life. When she took her life, she took a big piece of mine also. The holidays are a tough time because when the family is gathered around, we have one empty place. I keep praying that I will be able to dream about her, feel her spirit near me. I must be doing something wrong because I have only had one dream that I can really remember and it was a fleeting moment many months ago. Being a mother is all I ever wanted to be. I didn't need all those initials behind my name, no PHD, just MOM. I looked forward to the day that my daughter and I could just hang out and enjoy each other's company.
A couple of weeks ago, our oldest son called and said he is moving to Montrose, CO. He is taking my 3 grandchildren whom I adore and love with all my heart and moving 5 hours away. I cried, couldn't sleep that night. I realize he needs to do what is best for his family but one more loss in my life is just tough to take. I know I can drive to see them but 5 hours vs. 5 miles takes a lot more planning.
I keep plugging along, just get up each morning and press on. That is all you can do. Who knows where I will be in another 461 days. We will have to wait and see. It doesn't get easier, I don't think that is the word, it just get's further away from the time you last saw her. She is my baby girl, my only daughter, always will be. Hopefully 2016 will be a better year.
