August is a tough month

It has been a tough month.  There are so many firsts and the first anniversary of Kami's death is coming up on the 28th.  I have heard that the 2nd year is worse than the first.  Can it get any worse?  Lately I have just wanted to be alone.  I don't want to be around people.  I go to work, I do my job, I come home and Bud is at soccer and I am alone with Ollie Puppy.  I am okay with that.  I would love to be with the grandkids but I don't get to see them too often.  Their family is busy.  I am really having a hard time being around mothers and daughters.  I feel so cheated out of the life I could/should have had with Kami.  There are so many things that I will miss out on with her.  Son's are different because they go to their wives family things more and kind of gravitate that way.  I was hoping that Kami would be the one that would share the grandkids, hang out with mom, discover that I am not the awful person that she thought I was when she was a teenager.  Become a friend.  We struggled with Kami for the last five years and she was pretty hard to deal with and very mean to me especially.  I was hopeful that some day that would change if I just hung on and continued to love her.  That chance was taken away from me.  I fill like I have failed as a mom.  I pray that Kami is happy.  I pray that someday I can be happy again.