I remember getting the call and a co-worker walking me down to my car. She offered to drive me but I just wanted to be alone. I got in my car and started to drive home and just sobbed. I called a couple of friends and family members to to let them know and I headed home. I pulled up the same time as my husband and we just fell into each other's arms and cried. My mom was over in Colorado visiting us and was in the house and had no idea yet. We had both been through this 18 years ago when my little brother took his life at the age of 27. We walked in and told her and we all just cried together. I didn't feel like it is real. I felt like someone was going to come and tell me that it was a mistake. She really wasn't gone. I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up and it would all be a dream. The word started to spread and people started to come over to the house.
With any death there is a deep sadness, but with a suicide there are so many more emotions that come along with it. The anger and guilt are overwhelming. People would just hug you and say "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say", then they would ask what you needed. What I needed was for my daughter to be alive. No one could give me that. Other than that, I didn't have a clue what I needed. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be left alone or if I wanted to be with people. I have never cried so hard in my life. I spent so much time on my knees that day just praying to understand and to be able to know that she was ok. One of my sons was angry as well as heartbroken. The other one was just trying to be supportive and explain it to his little ones in the best way possible. My husband was trying to get me through it as well as grieving himself. He was trying to be strong and feeling the guilt that comes along with a suicide. I was in survival mode and just putting one foot in front of the other. A couple of things that I learned during this grieving process. One is that someone brought over several different deli meats, cheeses, rolls, potato chips, etc. She said that someone had brought these things to her once and what a blessing it had been. You can make sandwiches any time, you don't have to prepare a meal, just make sandwiches, day or night. This definitely is "food for thought" pun intended. The Saturday after Kami's memorial service, I fell apart. I had the grandbabies sleep over the night before and then they left Saturday morning. I had hurt my sciatic nerve about 4 days before Kami died and my back was killing me. My house needed to be cleaned from all of the company we had staying with us the week before. I was still in my pajamas at 12:30 in the afternoon. A friend stopped by and brought me a little gift and checked on me and just sat and talked to me and cried with me. After she left, I struggled to finish cleaning the house. What I learned during this process is, if someone would have come and said "can I vacuum your house, mop your floors, clean your bathrooms", I would have said yes. I never would be the person that would say yes... That day I would have said yes. I guess I learned that instead of asking "what can I do" sometimes it is good to "just do". Once the family was gone and I was supposed to get back to my every day life, I didn't want to face it. Some days it hurts to breathe. The pain of child birth is nothing compared to the pain of losing my child. I keep thinking of the many things that Kami will miss out on. Her little nieces and nephews that she left behind will not get the chance to know their Aunt Kami. Some days I can go for 5 or 10 minutes without thinking about her. She is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I try and sleep. I lay awake and think about her. When it first happened, I didn't want to be in a dark room at night. I needed a light on somewhere. I don't know why, I kept thinking about Kami's last moments alone and the darkness overwhelmed me. I get out of bed each morning and go to work and go through the day as if I'm ok. I'm really not ok. Some days I'm closer to ok but some days the tears are right there and flow freely. What I have learned is that there is no manual on grieving just like there is no manual on parenting. Everyone grieves in their own way and there is no right or wrong way. I used to have a license plate frame that said "Get in, sit down, shut up, and hold on". That is what I am doing right now, I am holding on. Hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
I wish I would have known....
I have never blogged before, never really thought I had anything to share but I have something I would like to share now. My daughter Kami was born on May 27, 1992. She had two older brothers, one was 3 and her oldest brother was 7. She came into the world much quicker than either of them had and was in a hurry from the start. I was so excited to finally be able to go on the Barbie aisle at Toys R Us. We had spent a lot of time in the boys toys up to that point. Kami was definitely a girly girl when she was little. She would only wear dresses once she could choose and even wore "skorts" when she first started soccer. She would get in my makeup and could apply lipstick perfectly by the age of two. She was much loved and full of life. She had white blond hair and wanted it long. When she was first born, her brother Ryan came to the hospital. He was 3 years old. He looked into the bassinet (not sure what they call those things in the hospital) and he said.."can I pet her"? She was a keeper. She was full of spunk from the beginning and one of my cousins nick named her Kamikaze. When she came into a room, you knew she was there. She was busy from the time she woke up until the time she went to bed. She did all of the typical little girl things, she played soccer, softball, took dance, loved to pretend, played barbies, loved to color, etc. She was a smart girl and always wanted to be the boss. She tended to make friends with quieter kids because she liked to be in charge. She had a "normal" child hood (at least it was normal to us). We lived in Utah until she was in first grade and then we moved to Colorado. It was a tough move because all of our family was in Utah and we knew no one in Colorado. My husband's business took us to Colorado. Kami was social and made friends no matter where she was. She did well in school and was active in our church. She loved to go to girl's camp in our church each summer for a week and even attended one week with her aunt's congregation after attending a week in Colorado. At about the age of 14, she became the typical teenager and started to rebel a little. She got moody and a little hard to be around. She was very involved in soccer and was a great player. She had a lot of potential and was so much fun to watch. She made some great lifelong friends through the game. I remember thinking that "I don't think my kids will get involved with drugs because they are athletes". Well, I should have known better than think that! When she was 16 or 17 we started to notice a big change in her. She started to hang out with different friends and her grades started to fall and her mood swings were terrible. She started to drink alcohol and smoke marijuana. We had awful fights with her and for a short time at the end of her junior year she went to live in Utah and attended 2 1/2 months in a high school there. We were trying to get her away from the influences. She was very good at getting what she wanted and adjusting to the situation and telling you what you wanted to hear. She came back, after promises that it would be different and got back in with the same friends. At this point, she wanted nothing to do with attending church with our family and got into trouble with the law a few times. She was still in a hurry to grow up as she had been all of her life. We didn't know if she was going to graduate from high school until two weeks before the deadline. She had two F's and needed to get them to D's. My family was wondering whether to buy their tickets to come over to Colorado or not. I told them to keep on waiting and finally we got the word that she could graduate. She could have had a scholarship to a community college in Wyoming to play soccer but she chose to go a different path. She started to work and wanted to get out and live her own life away from our rules. She made some life choices that were leading her to heartache.
There is nothing harder as a parent than to watch your child go through situations that you know could have been avoided. You know exactly how your parents felt at times like these. We tried during these years to get her to go to therapy, to see a doctor about depression etc. She would never do that. You start to apologize to your own parents for the things you did. Kami started dating someone in August, went to Hawaii in December with him and got engaged. They went to the courthouse in February and got married and came and told us the next day that they were married. He was quite a bit older than her and she felt that we wouldn't accept it. Like everything else Kami had done, we struggled with her decisions but we gave her unconditional love and did our best to include him in our family. We had an open house in May of this year over in Utah so the family could meet her husband. They were struggling, but she kept it hidden from us. In August, I was over in Utah after a visit home and looked at my phone and had a message from her that said... my husband wants a divorce... I called her and told her I was on my way home and that I was getting there as fast as I could and to please go to our house. The next day on August 12, 2014, we began the worst journey a parent can ever go on. Kami overdosed on some medication that she had stolen from her husband. Luckily we found out and took her to the emergency room. We spent the day in the ER and then she was put on an automatic 72 hour hold in a mental health facility. She was angry and mad at us and kept blaming everyone else for her situation. We kept reminding her that it was her that put herself there, and she could take advantage of the situation and get better. On Friday of that week, she called me in the early morning and told me she was really nauseated. I told her to ask for some medication and she did. The next call I got was from my husband telling me he had gotten a call from the facility and that she had a seizure. Kami had never had seizures but it was caused by the drugs leaving her system. Luckily a big burly male nurse was standing by and saw it happen. He tried to catch her as she went down. She cut her nose open and was headed over to a hospital emergency room. I got there and walked in and she gave me a big hug. I was so happy to see her and the fact that she was smiling was a good sign. They did a CT scan and checked her out and everything looked normal. She didn't need stitches, they cleaned her up. Her husband came over to the hospital and she went back to the facility from there. They kept her for another 2 days and then she went home with her husband on Monday the 18th and by Tuesday she was back with us. She went back and forth that week and that Thursday on the 22nd, she took off in the middle of the night and went back to her home. During the time she was with her husband she spent a few nights away from him at a hotel. I texted her a couple of times and told her that I loved her and on Thursday the 28th about 1 p.m. I got a text from her that she loved me too. I knew in my heart that something was wrong. I called my husband and we tried to decide what to do. We found out late that night which hotel she was in and I made my husband promise that he would call and check on her in the morning. I wish I would have known that that last time she was at our home, is the last time I would be able to hug her and tell her I loved her in person. If I would have known, I would have held on so much tighter and memorized everything about her. She was 5 foot 9 and by this time she weighed maybe 100 to 110 lbs. She had long beautiful blond hair and had grown into a beautiful young woman. She wasn't eating much and had lost so much weight. If I would have known that I wouldn't see my daughter alive again, I would have ..... asked her to please hang on and come back home. That morning on August 29th, my husband called the hotel and asked them to check on her. When they came back to the phone, they wouldn't give him an answer and he knew something was wrong. He jumped in the car and drove there. When he pulled up, there was her husband along with the police and fire engine and ambulance. Our baby girl had taken her life sometime during the night or early morning. I was at work and waiting for a call from him to hear how she was. The call I got was not the one I wanted. He told me that she was gone. My world as I knew was never going to be normal again. I wish I would have known...
There is nothing harder as a parent than to watch your child go through situations that you know could have been avoided. You know exactly how your parents felt at times like these. We tried during these years to get her to go to therapy, to see a doctor about depression etc. She would never do that. You start to apologize to your own parents for the things you did. Kami started dating someone in August, went to Hawaii in December with him and got engaged. They went to the courthouse in February and got married and came and told us the next day that they were married. He was quite a bit older than her and she felt that we wouldn't accept it. Like everything else Kami had done, we struggled with her decisions but we gave her unconditional love and did our best to include him in our family. We had an open house in May of this year over in Utah so the family could meet her husband. They were struggling, but she kept it hidden from us. In August, I was over in Utah after a visit home and looked at my phone and had a message from her that said... my husband wants a divorce... I called her and told her I was on my way home and that I was getting there as fast as I could and to please go to our house. The next day on August 12, 2014, we began the worst journey a parent can ever go on. Kami overdosed on some medication that she had stolen from her husband. Luckily we found out and took her to the emergency room. We spent the day in the ER and then she was put on an automatic 72 hour hold in a mental health facility. She was angry and mad at us and kept blaming everyone else for her situation. We kept reminding her that it was her that put herself there, and she could take advantage of the situation and get better. On Friday of that week, she called me in the early morning and told me she was really nauseated. I told her to ask for some medication and she did. The next call I got was from my husband telling me he had gotten a call from the facility and that she had a seizure. Kami had never had seizures but it was caused by the drugs leaving her system. Luckily a big burly male nurse was standing by and saw it happen. He tried to catch her as she went down. She cut her nose open and was headed over to a hospital emergency room. I got there and walked in and she gave me a big hug. I was so happy to see her and the fact that she was smiling was a good sign. They did a CT scan and checked her out and everything looked normal. She didn't need stitches, they cleaned her up. Her husband came over to the hospital and she went back to the facility from there. They kept her for another 2 days and then she went home with her husband on Monday the 18th and by Tuesday she was back with us. She went back and forth that week and that Thursday on the 22nd, she took off in the middle of the night and went back to her home. During the time she was with her husband she spent a few nights away from him at a hotel. I texted her a couple of times and told her that I loved her and on Thursday the 28th about 1 p.m. I got a text from her that she loved me too. I knew in my heart that something was wrong. I called my husband and we tried to decide what to do. We found out late that night which hotel she was in and I made my husband promise that he would call and check on her in the morning. I wish I would have known that that last time she was at our home, is the last time I would be able to hug her and tell her I loved her in person. If I would have known, I would have held on so much tighter and memorized everything about her. She was 5 foot 9 and by this time she weighed maybe 100 to 110 lbs. She had long beautiful blond hair and had grown into a beautiful young woman. She wasn't eating much and had lost so much weight. If I would have known that I wouldn't see my daughter alive again, I would have ..... asked her to please hang on and come back home. That morning on August 29th, my husband called the hotel and asked them to check on her. When they came back to the phone, they wouldn't give him an answer and he knew something was wrong. He jumped in the car and drove there. When he pulled up, there was her husband along with the police and fire engine and ambulance. Our baby girl had taken her life sometime during the night or early morning. I was at work and waiting for a call from him to hear how she was. The call I got was not the one I wanted. He told me that she was gone. My world as I knew was never going to be normal again. I wish I would have known...
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